Why Abusers Rule By Fear
Written by: Wendy J Olson, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
If there’s one conversation I’ve had a thousand times with survivors of domestic violence and exploitation, it’s this: ‘If someone can’t rule you with physical, mental, or emotional abuse, they will always go to FEAR.’
I run a nonprofit for women survivors of domestic violence and sexual exploitation. We provide free therapeutic services, host community-building events, and plan four retreats a year to empower women to continually pursue holistic healing. The stories we hear from these survivors/warriors are heartbreaking. Each one is unique in its own right, but so many are familiar.
I’ve had three conversations this month alone with women who are being threatened with legal actions through the court, even though these threats are very rarely followed through. And it’s always the same: ‘He’s threatening to take custody.’ ‘He’s sent me the paperwork.’ ‘He contacted a lawyer.’ Most of these threats are simply just threats. Some do intend to follow through but at their own folly.
Put very simply: If your abuser cannot rule you by physical force, or you’ve removed yourself from their grasp, if they can’t get through to you through their constant use of gaslighting and emotional manipulation, fear will always get them the result they’re craving.
Fear is such a powerful tool. It’s been used for centuries to rule kingdoms. It’s not about the action, it’s about the threat of the action that will keep people paralyzed. There’s no more powerful tool than fear.
That being said, ruling by fear only works if your victim falls prey to it. And as victims of abuse, we all fall for it. There’s just no way around it. Even though we are the ones that have been perpetrated against, we still fear the threat.
Why?
There’s not a simple explanation. But there is one. And it all goes back to Family of Origin, as so many things do. We didn’t end up in these abusive situations because we grew up in happy, healthy homes with two parents who love and adore us for the treasures we are. This is an old familiar smell to us. A warm blanket. We understand this. We know it well. And we are drawn to it. And, likely, we are also used to being ruled by fear, held captive by the threat of something, something held over our heads, even from a very young age.
Follow it back up the food chain.
So how do we face this? How do we defeat this fear when we come face to face with it? Unfortunately, this isn’t an easy road. And it isn’t a short one either. Only the long road of healing can take us there. And even after years of pressing in, doing the hard work, we’ll still feel the sting of fear rise up in the back of our throats. But once we gain control over our rational brain again, and remember that we no longer live inside that trauma, and it has in fact passed, we can move more quickly from fear to rational thought and logic, and access the problem-solving parts of our brain. From there we can access the parts of our brain that help us to regulate our emotions or our affect.
So keep fighting. Keep walking the path of healing. It’s long and twisty and it seems like it’s all uphill and full of potholes, but it’s so worth it. I promise.
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Wendy J Olson, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Wendy J Olson is a healing coach, founder, and president of Grit Plus Gumption Farmstead. Wendy believes in the power of stories to change and shape people's lives. She walks with women through their stories of past hurts and traumas and guides them to find their own freedom and healing. Through Grit plus Gumption, she serves survivors of sexual exploitation and domestic violence. Having applied all she teaches to her own life as a survivor herself, she is able to guide women with kindness and grace, showing them there is always more freedom to be had in one’s life. She believes everyone has a story, and even if that story is really hard, it doesn't mean the rest of the story has to be.
