Why 9 Out of 10 People Feel Misunderstood
- Brainz Magazine
- Oct 21
- 7 min read
Renee Vee, CCC-SLP, is a licensed Speech-Language Pathologist, published author, speaker, monthly article contributor in FORCE Magazine, co-founder of the Rich Thinking Conference, cast member of the Legacy Makers TV Series, and host of the Mrs.Understood podcast.
Have you ever tried to explain how you feel, only to have someone completely miss the point? You try to explain yourself, share your heart, or tell your truth, and somehow, it still lands wrong. The words were there, but the meaning got lost somewhere between your intention and their interpretation.
Being misunderstood can feel like standing in a crowded room where everyone’s talking, but no one’s really hearing you. It’s not just frustrating, it’s lonely. And yet, it’s one of the most universal human experiences. We’ve all been there. And for many of us, those moments can leave a mark, making us question our voice, our value, or whether it’s even worth speaking up at all.
Let’s reconsider how we interpret the experience of being misunderstood. Moments of misunderstanding can become mirrors, helping us to identify where growth, clarity, and courage are needed.
Why misunderstandings happen
Misunderstandings are part of being human, and they happen more often than we like to admit. Most of the time, it’s not personal. People misinterpret or filter your words through their own experiences, assumptions, or beliefs. Sometimes, it’s unconscious. They’re distracted, stressed, or simply not present. Other times, it’s protective. Truly understanding someone else means opening up, and that can feel uncomfortable, even threatening. People might cling to their own perspective because it feels safer than seeing yours. The key thing to remember? When someone misunderstands you, it’s rarely about you. It’s a reflection of where they are, not who you are.
The stats on feeling misunderstood
According to surveys, a significant number of people feel misunderstood. A 2020 Pew Research Center study found that nearly 6 in 10 Americans feel misunderstood, and a more recent survey reported that 91% of respondents "often feel misunderstood".
Misunderstanding is a widespread issue across various demographics and contexts, including in relationships and in workplaces.
Love, misunderstood
Feeling misunderstood in relationships is a common, deeply human experience that can lead to emotional distance, frustration, and even conflict. It often stems from a gap between what one person intends to communicate and how the other person interprets it. This disconnect can happen for many reasons:
Communication styles differ: People express themselves in different ways, some are more direct, while others are more reserved or emotional. If partners have different communication styles, they might miss each other’s underlying meanings or needs.
Emotional baggage: Past experiences, trauma, or unresolved issues can affect how we perceive and respond to others. For example, someone who’s been dismissed in the past might interpret a neutral comment as criticism.
Assumptions and expectations: We often assume others “should” understand us without needing a full explanation, especially in close relationships. But expecting someone to intuitively know what we’re feeling can lead to disappointment when they don’t.
Fear of vulnerability: Being truly honest about what we feel can make us feel exposed. So instead of saying “I feel hurt,” we might lash out or shut down, which only deepens the misunderstanding.
Listening vs. hearing: Sometimes, people listen just to respond instead of really trying to understand. This lack of active listening can make the other person feel dismissed or unseen.
Feeling misunderstood doesn’t always mean a relationship is doomed. It often just means that better tools are needed to build a stronger connection.
How to address it
Use "I" statements: Express how you feel without blaming. ("I feel hurt when I don't feel heard.")
Ask for clarification: Don’t assume, ask what the other person meant.
Practice active listening: Reflect back what you hear to make sure you understand correctly.
Seek therapy if needed: A counselor can help both people learn to communicate more effectively.
Unseen, unheard, undervalued
Feeling misunderstood in the workplace can be both frustrating and isolating. It often leads to reduced job satisfaction, lower productivity, and even burnout if not addressed. This experience can happen at any level, whether you're an entry-level employee trying to find your voice or a manager whose decisions are misinterpreted.
Common causes of feeling misunderstood at work
Poor communication: Miscommunication is one of the biggest contributors. Vague instructions, lack of clarity in emails or meetings, or differing interpretations of tone and intent can create confusion or tension.
Different work styles or values: Everyone approaches work differently. Some are detail-oriented, others are big-picture thinkers. When coworkers or supervisors don’t recognize or appreciate someone’s unique approach, it can feel like their efforts are undervalued or dismissed.
Cultural or generational gaps: Differences in cultural backgrounds or generational perspectives can influence how people communicate, give feedback, or show respect, leading to misunderstandings or unintended offense.
Lack of recognition or feedback: When employees work hard but don’t receive feedback or only receive negative comments, they may feel unseen or unappreciated, especially if their intentions or contributions are being overlooked.
Assumptions and stereotypes: People are often misunderstood when coworkers make assumptions based on gender, race, age, or personality type (e.g., assuming an introvert is aloof or disengaged).
How to address it
Clarify your intentions: Don’t assume others understand your point of view. State your intentions clearly and respectfully, especially in written communication.
Ask for feedback: Proactively seeking feedback can help uncover where miscommunication may be happening and show others that you're open to collaboration.
Practice empathy and active listening: Try to understand where the other person is coming from and listen without preparing your response. This models the behavior you want in return.
Keep documentation: If misunderstandings are affecting your role or reputation, keeping a record of key conversations or deliverables can help clarify your contributions.
Seek mediation or HR support: In persistent cases, it might be necessary to involve HR or a manager to help facilitate clearer, more productive communication.
The impact of being misunderstood
Being misunderstood can hit harder than you expect. It can make you second-guess your words, your intentions, even yourself. Sometimes it feels like you’re speaking to a wall, and that kind of loneliness can feel heavy.
A true lesson learned: that discomfort? It’s actually a signal. A signal to pause, reflect, and reconnect with your own clarity. Being misunderstood doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong. It’s an invitation to practice patience, refine how you express yourself, and strengthen your own sense of self.
The more you can separate your truth from how others interpret it, the more power you reclaim. Misunderstandings will still happen, but they no longer control your emotions, your confidence, or your voice.
Emotional effects of feeling misunderstood
Loneliness (even when you're not physically alone)
Resentment or bitterness
Emotional shutdown or withdrawal
Doubt in the relationship’s future
Erosion of trust and intimacy
Professional impact of feeling misunderstood
Lower morale
Decreased motivation
Increased stress or anxiety
Reduced collaboration
Higher turnover or desire to leave the role
What to do when you feel misunderstood
Lessons from personal and professional experience show how to handle those moments when your message doesn’t land, or when your intentions get twisted.
Pause before reacting: When you feel misunderstood, your instinct might be to defend yourself right away. But reacting from that space can blur your message even more. Take a breath. Give yourself a moment to steady your emotions before responding. A calm response holds more power than a rushed reaction.
Ask, don’t assume: Instead of shutting down, open a gentle dialogue. Try asking, “Can I explain what I meant?” or “Would you like to understand where I’m coming from?” Curiosity can shift a conversation from conflict to connection. Most misunderstandings aren’t rooted in malice. They’re rooted in miscommunication.
Check your own clarity: Sometimes, our words don’t match our emotions. Before you assume someone’s unwilling to understand, ask yourself. Am I saying this clearly? Rewording your message with intention (not frustration) can help others truly hear what you’re trying to express.
Accept that not everyone will get you: Some people will never see the full picture of who you are, and that’s okay. Your worth doesn’t depend on their understanding. The goal isn’t to convince everyone. The goal is to stay true to your truth, even when it’s misread.
Seek understanding, not validation: Being understood feels validating, but don’t confuse it with being valued. The more you understand and validate yourself, the less you depend on external validation. When you own your message, misunderstanding loses its sting.
Find your people: There will always be those who don’t quite get you, but there will also be people who do. The ones who listen between the words and feel your heart before your sentences are finished. Those are your people.
Your voice matters
At some point, we all face the sting of being misunderstood. But with time, you start to realize, it’s not your job to make everyone understand you. It’s your job to stay rooted in who you are, even when your words are misread or your intentions are missed. Peace doesn’t come from being perfectly explained. It comes from being deeply aligned with your truth, your tone, and your heart. So the next time someone doesn’t “get” you, don’t shrink or over-explain. Breathe. Smile. Remember that your clarity doesn’t depend on their comprehension, and you will find that when you truly understand yourself, you stop needing everyone else to.
Have a story that deserves to be heard? Let’s talk about it on the Mrs.Understood Podcast.
Book a pre-show interview time here.
Read more from Renee Vee
Renee Vee, Speaker, Author, and Mindset & Communication Specialist
Renee Vee, CCC-SLP, is a Speech-Language Pathologist, speaker, author, and leader in mindset and communication. She empowers individuals and organizations to communicate with confidence and purpose. Known for her engaging presence and practical insights, Renee partners with families and business leaders to create environments where confidence, connection, and clarity are cultivated.
