Where Has The Proverbial ‘Village’ Gone?
Updated: Jan 11, 2025
Written by Amy Spofford, Pre & Postnatal Coach
Amy Spofford is well-versed in pregnancy, birth, postpartum, and mom life. She is the founder of Eat What Feels Good, LLC, a platform promoting healthy preparation for and healing from birth so new moms can enjoy their little ones.
Pregnancy and birth are both natural parts of life- we know this. What’s different now, though, is the disintegration of the villages that previous generations supposedly had. I mean the people who helped their friends, family and neighbors raise their babies and lent support- those villages. Modern parenting feels more individualized, which can be good for autonomy, forging new paths and ditching cycles of generational trauma. The downsides are that parents can feel lost in their new roles and ill-equipped to handle all the changes thrown at them without a safety net of people on which to lean.
These days, new parents are lucky if they have their own parents, siblings, or cousins close by, and many don’t. Friends can feel like family, but everyone has their own lives and busy schedules. Many families simply do not have these mythical villages of yore, so what are we left to do? Continue reading to find nine ways you can improve your social circle and get the support you need as new parents.
How to connect with others as a new parent
Instead of wallowing in our own pity, we can do something about these feelings of isolation. I know it probably sounds exhausting, but if we put more time and effort into building and cultivating relationships with potential villagers, we will end up with a village. Imagine that!
Hear me out. Imagine that you’re pregnant and you’re nervous because you don’t have much support after your baby is born.
Nine action steps you can take
1. Reach out to 1-3 friends in a similar phase of life as you
These friends can be old friends from high school, work, or elsewhere with whom you’ve fallen out of touch. They can be co-workers, cousins, neighbors, or old family friends. You can start by congratulating them on their pregnancy, baby, marriage, or whatever is happening in their lives and let the conversation flow from there.
2. Find someone from your inner circle to support you for a few days after the baby is born
Reach out to them and ask for help. It’s easier said than done, but people want to help you. They just often don’t know how to offer it.
3. Ask a friend, family member, or your partner to arrange a meal train after the baby arrives
This means there would be a schedule where people can sign up for days to visit you and bring you food. There are ways to organize this online, and those who are far away or cannot/do not cook can get your gift cards for restaurants or delivery services.
4. Read trusted sources on what to expect during postpartum
These could be in the form of books, articles, podcasts, or trustworthy social media accounts. Be wary and unfollow anyone who adds to your stress or causes you feelings of inadequacy.
5. Read about the risk factors and symptoms of perinatal mood & anxiety disorders
It is important to be prepared and have your village looking out for you and your mental health.
6. When someone offers help, take it
Even if their offer seems generic, they likely actually care and want to help. They just might not know what to offer. If someone says, “Let me know if you need anything,” you could say, “Actually, I’d love some company- can we set up a time for you to come meet the baby?” They likely won’t come empty-handed, and then you’ve gotten yourself support and a meal.
7. Invite people to come meet the baby directly
Barring any personal boundaries you have made around people being in contact with your newborn, if it’s company and support you seek, don’t be shy to reach out. You can say, “I’m home for the next X weeks. Please come meet the baby if you can!” Oftentimes, people get caught up in their own lives and/or don’t want to impose. A direct invitation makes a difference.
8. Get involved in the local parent community
This can be overwhelming, but you can start small. Look into your local library’s events. They may have a children’s story time or other kid- or baby-friendly activities where you can meet and connect with other parents. There are baby music and yoga classes, and if you choose to place your baby in childcare outside of the home, there is an opportunity to connect with parents there. In another nod to social media, there are local parent groups available that can help you connect to others in your school district or town.
9. Start or restart a self-care, fitness, or religious practice
Whether it’s signing up for exercise classes, starting a neighborhood book club, or attending religious services, there are supportive communities to be found. These are great avenues to finding others with the same interests and to build deep bonds that can make friends feel like family.
You are never too old to make friends
It is never too late to get yourself the village you always deserved. Even if your children are older now, getting them involved in sports and clubs can get you access to other like-minded parents. Service organizations, charities, and art classes can also be options for meeting other adults in the area. There are even adult sports leagues that would love to have you!
Attend the birthday parties when your kids are little and talk to the other parents. For those who are introverted or for whom this task feels monumental, it’s not more grueling than going through life without friends. I promise you, making the effort will pay dividends and before you know it, you have someone who can drive your kid home from practice so you can get dinner ready. You have someone who has a teen you trust for babysitting on your date night. You have a group of women you can go to brunch with on the weekend, meet for a walk when you’re stressed, and who aren’t bothered in the least by your messy house. This is what having a village looks like.
Villages can, in part, be virtual as well. The amount of solidarity and support you can feel from others relating to you online can make a world of difference in your mental health. Learning about terms like “the mental load of parenting” and parenting theories like Dr. Becky’s “Good Inside” can be immensely helpful in processing parenthood and forging a better developmental path for our children. I would likely not know about such things if it hadn’t been for social media. I also wouldn’t be as equipped to keep tabs on my friends and family if I wasn’t online, and social media is what allows “long lost” friends to reach out and rekindle relationships that otherwise would have been gone forever.
Whatever your support system is like, we could all use more opportunities to connect with our communities. Try one of the items listed above, and remember, you should not and do not have to do this alone.
Read more from Amy Spofford
Amy Spofford, Pre & Postnatal Coach
Amy Spofford is a Pre & Postnatal Coach, a Nutritional Therapy Practitioner, and a mom of three little ones. Practicing as a speech-language pathologist in a nursing home rehab setting during a pandemic made pregnancy and early parenthood beyond difficult. Amy used her holistic nutrition certification and research skills to dive deep into all things pregnancy, birth, and postpartum, thinking there has to be a better way to navigate this season of life. This led to her becoming certified as a Pre & Postnatal coach. Her mission is to reduce the incidence of perinatal mood and anxiety disorders by providing education and support to pregnant women through their transition into postpartum.
