Written by: Cindy Stibbard, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Divorce can be a complex process for all parties involved and can leave a lasting impact on people's lives. Moving on and finding a new partner is a crucial part of the healing process for many, but it can also be tricky and complicated. One of the biggest challenges that new partners face post-divorce is deciding when to move in together. In this article, we will explore the best time to move in together and the challenges new partners may face when they do so, especially when children are involved.
The rush to move in together post-divorce
One of the biggest mistakes people make post-divorce is rushing into a new relationship and moving in together too quickly. Of course, it’s all amazing and happy and feeling so “right” after the trauma of a breakup or divorce. Don’t let the honeymoon phase blind you. After the trauma of a divorce, people often crave stability and security, and they may rush into a new relationship to find these things. Moving in together can provide a sense of security and stability, but ensuring the connection is ready for such a big step is essential. The only way you can tell is to give it time.
The impact of moving in together on a relationship
Moving in together can have a significant impact on a relationship. It is a big step and can be a make-or-break moment for many couples. It can be an exciting time, but it can also be a stressful and challenging time. Couples may have different expectations when living together that they didn't think through or assumed would be fine before they moved in. They may need to work through these differences to make the relationship work. They may also find that so much more time spent together can cause them to slip into “quiet complacency” or co-dependency, where they become so accustomed to being around each other and relying on each other that the excitement of seeing each other wears off, as does part of their individual identity. Life cohabitating becomes predictable and habitual with routines and responsibilities. It's essential to schedule time apart and pursue activities without each other to remain, independent individuals while establishing a life together. Don’t forget; your relationship status does not define you.
When is it too early to move in together?
It is essential to ensure the relationship is ready before moving in together. If couples move in together too early, they may not be fully aware of each other's habits and quirks. This can lead to conflict and tension, which can damage the relationship. For example, some couples may realize things about their partner that they never knew when they only had “sleepovers” and struggle with keeping the fire alive. It is essential to take the time to get to know each other thoroughly before taking this big step. In my professional experience, I recommend waiting at least two years before moving in with a new partner. You want to have experienced real-life struggles together first to ensure you can manage challenges, conflict and differences healthily. Most couples do not find these things out about each other until life gets real and the honeymoon phase wears off, typically after the second year of dating.
The impact of moving in together on children
When new partners move in together after divorce, it can significantly impact children. Children may feel confused and uncertain about the new living arrangements, especially if they are still processing and dealing with the emotional fallout of a divorce. It is essential to be extra sensitive to children's needs and ensure they feel included and supported in the new family dynamic. I don't just mean letting them choose a bedroom in the new house. I suggest allowing them an opportunity for their voice to be heard and to set boundaries around their personal space and time spent with the new partner and any step-siblings that may come in tow. Just because you are happy and want to spend the rest of your life with your new partner to the point of blending families doesn't mean they are as eager. And it’s essential to consider this.
Many parents can end up unintentionally pushing their biological children away because they act on what they want and not based on their kids' needs. That being said, I am not saying don't move in. I am saying that no blended family can enter a situation with blinders on, thinking that their transition will be seamless and just like a first family. It won’t. Research shows that it is often more difficult for children to adjust to second families than to adapt to divorce. This can come down to the fact that they have already lost the nuclear family experience, where they had access to both parents equally. Now, with a new partner on the scene, the biological parent is likely pouring much attention into that relationship which takes even more time and attention away from their children when they need it most. Many studies report that children feel a higher degree of parental neglect when their biological parent enters a new relationship and blends the family as they no longer have individual access to their biological parent without the new partner or stepkids around.
Mitigating risks and challenges when living with a new partner
There are several ways to mitigate the risks and challenges of living with a new partner, both with and without kids. Some of these include:
Communication: Communicating openly and honestly with your new partner about your expectations, boundaries, and concerns is essential.
Cohabitation agreement: Consider creating a cohabitation agreement that outlines the division of assets, financial responsibilities, and other essential details.
Finances: Discuss how you will manage finances and create a budget that works for both of you.
Family roles and responsibilities: Discuss how you will split household responsibilities, childcare duties, and other tasks.
Discipline: Discuss your discipline approach and ensure you are on the same page.
Time together and apart: Discuss how you will balance spending time together and time apart.
Moving in with a new partner after divorce can seem like the right thing and be a beautiful experience. Just ensure you have covered all your bases and are not moving in based on pure emotion, society’s expectations, financial reasons, or external pressures. This should be a well-thought-out, logical and rational decision. You’ve already been through a breakup or divorce. This is your chance to do things differently this time around and create a lasting, fulfilling and safe cohabitating partnership.
Cindy Stibbard, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Cindy Stibbard is the driven and compassionate entrepreneur and CEO behind Divorce ReDefined, her Vancouver-based separation and divorce coaching practice. Divorce can be a messy, stressful and particularly raw experience and few truly understand the process, know their options or how to most effectively cope with and manage this major life transition. After going through her own high-conflict divorce, this passionate and determined mother of two, became inspired to help others successfully navigate this difficult time in their lives.
