When Connection Does Not Come Easily and the Quiet Struggle We Rarely Talk About
Written by Taiye Aluko, Relationship Coach
Taiye Aluko helps individuals and couples find purpose in life and happiness in marriage. An excellent encourager, she is passionate about seeing people unlock their personal power and attain the best version of themselves.
Some people seem to know instinctively what to do when they walk into a room full of strangers. They introduce themselves easily, join conversations already in progress, move from one person to another, exchange contact details, make introductions, and somehow leave the room having created possibilities that did not exist when they entered.
I have always been fascinated by people who can do this because, for some of us, it is not that easy.
I was at a women’s event recently when I became aware of this struggle again. It was one of those rooms filled with accomplished, interesting women, the kind of room where you know there are people you could learn from, connect with, collaborate with or enjoy getting to know.
Yet I noticed something familiar happening in me. I began to pull back. I did not suddenly become incapable of conversation. I was still myself. But I became more of an observer than a participant.
I noticed people I could introduce myself to, but I hesitated. I wondered whether I should go over, what I would say, whether I would be interrupting or whether the moment was right. Sometimes, while all of that was going on in my head, the moment passed.
Later that evening, another woman said something that caught my attention. She admitted she also struggled to connect. Networking was difficult for her, but what she found particularly hard was asking people for things.
I understood immediately. It made me wonder how many of us experience this and rarely say it out loud.
When confidence does not always follow you into the room
Part of what makes this difficult to explain is that you may not think of yourself as shy. You may lead teams, speak publicly, run a business or walk into a meeting and confidently present your ideas. You may be perfectly comfortable having a meaningful conversation. People may even describe you as confident.
Then you enter a particular social environment, and something changes.
Everyone seems already connected. Conversations are happening around you. People appear to know exactly who to approach and how to enter a conversation. Suddenly, the confidence that feels quite natural elsewhere is harder to find.
You know you have every right to be in the room. You know you have something to contribute. But that knowledge doesn't always translate into ease.
Walking into an ongoing conversation can feel surprisingly exposing. So can introducing yourself to somebody you do not know, especially when you would actually like the conversation to go somewhere. That is the part people do not always see.
Wanting to connect is not the problem
I think one misunderstanding about people who find networking difficult is the assumption that we don't really want to connect. Most times we do.
You may see someone across the room and think, I would really like to meet her. You may hear someone speak and recognise immediately that you share similar interests. You may see the possibility of a collaboration. You may think, “She seems interesting.”
You want to connect. The problem is getting yourself to make the first move.
For one person, walking across the room requires almost no thought. For another, a whole conversation is going on internally.
Should I go over? What will I say? What if the conversation is awkward? What if she is not interested? What if I appear too eager? What if I am interrupting? What if she thinks I only approached her because I want something?
By the time you finish negotiating with yourself, somebody else has already started the conversation you were still rehearsing.
From the outside, it looks like such a small thing. Inside, it can feel like a lot.
Asking makes it even harder
Then there is another layer. It is one thing to have a pleasant conversation. It is another thing to want something from it.
You may want to explore a collaboration. You may want someone to make an introduction. You may want to invite them onto your platform, ask for advice or express interest in an opportunity. That can feel much harder.
I know people who are generous with their contacts, recommendations and support but find it very difficult to ask for the same in return. They will open doors for other people without hesitation and then struggle to say, “Could you help me?”
Why does asking sometimes feel like taking? I keep coming back to that question.
Some of us may have become used to being self-sufficient. Some of us do not want to appear needy. Some may dislike feeling indebted to anyone. For others, it may simply be the possibility of rejection.
But I also think something is exposing about admitting that another person has access to something you want.
The discomfort may begin long before anyone says no. Sometimes making the request is the hardest part.
“Just go and introduce yourself”
The advice people who struggle with this usually get is straightforward. Go over and speak to them. Introduce yourself. Put yourself out there. Ask.
The advice is not wrong. The problem is that the word “just” makes it sound much easier than it feels.
Walking across a room may take only a few seconds, but getting yourself to do it can take much longer.
Nobody watching you knows that you have been having an internal debate for the last five minutes. Nobody knows that you have already come up with three possible opening lines and rejected all of them. Nobody knows that you nearly walked over twice.
They simply see someone standing quietly.
I think this is true of many struggles. We often judge the size of a difficulty by how simple the action looks from the outside.
Is this really only about introversion?
My first instinct was to think of this as an introvert problem. I am not so sure anymore.
Temperament clearly plays a part. Some people enjoy meeting many people quickly. They seem energised by a busy room. Others prefer smaller groups, familiar faces and conversations that go beyond the surface.
But introversion does not explain why someone can be completely confident in one setting and hold back in another.
That makes me curious about the rooms themselves. Which rooms make you more hesitant? Is it when you do not know anyone? When the people in the room seem more successful than you? When everyone else appears already connected? When nobody knows what you have achieved? When you feel that you need something from the people there?
That tells us something. Sometimes it may be personality. Sometimes it may be comparison or fear of rejection. It may be discomfort with self-promotion. It may be an old belief that approaching people makes you intrusive. It may simply be that you have spent most of your life letting relationships happen naturally and have never become comfortable creating them deliberately.
I also wonder whether some of us resist networking because of what the word itself has come to mean.
Networking can sound transactional. Meet somebody because they may be useful. Exchange details because you might need something one day. Work the room. For people who value genuine connection, that can feel uncomfortable.
I have had to challenge that thinking in myself. Deliberately introducing yourself to someone does not automatically make the relationship transactional. Every relationship has to begin somewhere. The fact that you chose to initiate it does not make what follows less genuine.
Some people are good at relationships once they begin
I recognise another kind of person in all of this. Once a relationship exists, they are very good at it.
They listen. They remember things. They care. They keep in touch. They enjoy depth. They can become wonderful friends, colleagues and collaborators.
Starting the relationship is the difficult part. That matters because many social and professional environments reward the person who starts.
They reward the person who introduces herself first, follows up, asks the question, shares the idea, and says, “I would love for us to explore this.”
So very capable people can leave important rooms without anyone really getting to know them. Not because they had nothing to offer. They simply did not find a way into the conversation.
Then comes the journey home
This may be the part some people will recognise most. You leave the event and suddenly become extraordinarily articulate.
You remember the person you should have spoken to. The question you could have asked. The introduction you could have made. The collaboration you should have mentioned.
I should have gone over. Next time I will. Sometimes next time is different. Sometimes it is not.
That can be frustrating because you know the problem is not competence. You know you are capable. You know you can hold your own. You know that if somebody had walked up to you and started the conversation, you probably would have been perfectly fine.
It is making that first move that seems to require something different.
What are we missing by holding back?
I am not ready to turn this into another piece about confidence or give a list of networking techniques. I am more interested in understanding what is actually happening. But I cannot ignore another question: what might this be costing us?
How many friendships never begin because both people wait for the other to start? How many collaborations remain ideas because nobody voices them? How many opportunities pass because the person who might have helped never knew we were interested?
And how often do we interpret another person’s quietness as disinterest when they may be having exactly the same conversation with themselves?
That was what stayed with me after hearing the woman at the event speak so openly about her own struggle.
She didn't give me an answer. She made me realise this wasn't only my thing. Something was reassuring about that.
Before anyone tells us what to do about a struggle, it can help to hear somebody describe it accurately.
For now, I am paying attention
I want to notice what happens when I begin to hold back in certain spaces. I want to understand why asking feels ordinary to some people and so exposing to others. I want to know when I am honouring my natural temperament and when I am allowing discomfort to make decisions for me.
I also do not believe the answer is that everyone who struggles with this must suddenly learn to work a room. I am not even sure that is what I want for myself.
But I do wonder whether there are moments when I need to resist the instinct to hold back and go and say hello. For now, though, I want to acknowledge the reality of the struggle.
Some people make connections easily. Others take longer. Some of us are very comfortable once a relationship exists but find it hard to initiate. Some will readily help other people but struggle to ask for help themselves. Some look confident in almost every other area of life and then walk into a particular room and become unexpectedly hesitant.
If you recognise yourself in any of this, you may have spent years assuming everybody else finds these things easier than you do.
I am beginning to think there are more of us standing quietly in those rooms than we realise.
Read more from Taiye Aluko
Taiye Aluko, Relationship Coach
Taiye Aluko is your guide to personal and professional transformation. With over two decades of counselling experience, she understands that our personal and professional lives are deeply intertwined. Taiye helps individuals navigate these interconnected spheres, empowering them to achieve clarity, fulfillment, and lasting success.
