What No One Warns You About After Leaving a Toxic Partner, and 5 Ways to Get Through It
- Brainz Magazine
- Jan 29
- 8 min read
Dr. Leslie Davis is the heart behind Eva Empowered—a movement dedicated to helping women around the world to break free from the cycle of toxic relationships and reclaim their worth.
Leaving a toxic partner is rarely a clean break. While you might expect emotional freedom, relief, and clarity, the reality can feel quite different. For some, walking away triggers a spiral of confusion rather than peace in your solitude. You may find yourself facing rejection, isolation, or loneliness from the ones who you thought would be there to catch you once you finally left the chaos. Let’s not forget there is grief as you mourn the loss of a connection with someone who once meant everything to you. Ending a relationship does not erase attachment, and missing someone who was unhealthy for you does not mean you made the wrong decision. It simply means you are human. If you have found yourself in this painful and confusing space after leaving a toxic relationship, here are five ways to get through it.
1. Understand that grief comes when you disconnect
No one enters a relationship with the expectation of being emotionally harmed by the person they love. Most people choose a relationship with a sense of hope and trust that the person will protect and love them. When emotional abuse enters the relationship, it is confusing. Not only are you confused, but your loved ones may struggle to understand why you are still hurting when the source of pain has been removed. But let’s be real, you are not grieving the loss of the person you were with, you are grieving the loss of attachment. Acknowledging this truth can help you end the cycle of judging your grief and start healing as you mourn what you lost without questioning why it still hurts.
You ended a trauma bond
In the midst of the chaos, it is likely that you developed a trauma bond with your abuser, always finding ways to seek connection to the person who mentally, physically, or emotionally abused you out of fear of losing connection and as a means of survival. A trauma bond may have kept you in the relationship longer than you wanted to be, so now that it is over, you might find yourself seeking opportunities to reconnect even when you are safe.
The loss of attachment hurts
According to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, our need for belonging is a basic human need, not a weakness or flaw. We are wired to seek connection, and this does not disappear when we are in a toxic relationship. We will cling to any sense of belonging from a toxic partner, even when it is inconsistent. Attachment wounds can arise even when leaving was your choice. Not only did you lose a partner and the dream of sharing life together, you also lost a sense of identity.
2. Expect loneliness but know you don’t have to be alone
You are single again, and it can feel overwhelming at times. The chaos of the relationship was noisy, unpredictable at times, and distracting, but now you find yourself sitting in silence with your own thoughts. The silence can feel unbearable as you begin to process what happened and how it really feels. The loneliness you might experience is a natural reaction, but you do not have to be alone. Be intentional about connecting with safe and supportive individuals who can surround you with love as you rebuild the fragile parts of you that would have broken if you had stayed.
Friends come and go, and that hurts too
It is possible that you lost connections with friends and family because your partner isolated you, which is a common tactic of power and control. It is also possible that some of your friends no longer knew what to say or how to help, so they turned away at some point during your relationship. Others may have grown frustrated, especially if they watched you remain in a relationship that hurt you when they offered help. The loss of friendship causes deep pain, but this does not define your worthiness of love. Take this time to rebuild relationships with people who can provide the empathy you need.
Find your tribe
Healing from a toxic relationship often requires a step of faith in finding healthy connections. This is a great time to find your tribe, the ones who provide emotional safety, consistency, and the support you need. Be open to creating a new circle of support. Get involved in a community, whether that means joining a gym, a club, or any group that provides the emotional safety you need by allowing you to show up as your authentic self, even the broken parts of you.
Volunteer
One way to heal a broken heart is by giving back to your community. Volunteering for a cause that aligns with your values can aid in restoring a sense of self and purpose. You could also find unexpected connections with someone in this new space. It is possible to create beauty from the ashes of a toxic relationship by discovering, or rediscovering, your passion that connects you to not only who you were before the relationship, but also who you are becoming.
3. Avoid the cycle of self-blame
Self-blame is part of the toxic aftermath of choosing yourself after a significant time of mental and emotional abuse. While you should be walking in your freedom, you might find a silent killer of connection called blame creeping in. Blame is another common tactic of power and control. Your partner may have blamed you for everything that went wrong in the relationship, but this is your time to recognize the patterns you experienced and reframe the pain.
Don’t gaslight yourself
Toxic relationships will have you gaslighting yourself, and some of this is learned behavior from your toxic partner, who often gaslit you as a means of manipulation and control.
After leaving a toxic relationship, it is common to question your own reality. You might find yourself replaying past conversations, obsessing over old messages, or seeking clarity in spaces you will never get it. Do not invalidate your pain to try to make sense of the loss. This is the time to learn to trust your inner voice again.
Don’t blame yourself for the loss of friendship
You might blame yourself for the loss of connection with loved ones. You silently tell yourself, “If only I would have listened to them and ended the relationship sooner, maybe they would still be here for me.” You cannot control how others respond to your situation. You can only control your attempts to make healthy connections.
Remind yourself of the truth
You might second-guess your decision to leave, formulating lies you tell yourself about why you should have stayed. Beware that your ex might reach out to confirm these lies. Always lean toward the truth. The truth is, the relationship hurt. The truth is, you changed as you lost a piece of yourself and had to survive under the pressure of chaos. The truth is, you deserve love that does not break you.
4. Avoid returning to the relationship or starting a new one for relief
A toxic ex who was afraid to lose you, or the control they had over you, is highly likely to return. You can expect a text, a call, or some form of communication from your ex as a checkpoint to see if you are truly over the relationship. You left for a reason. Remember the pain you endured. Just because the day changed does not mean they have.
Returning to chaos will keep you stuck
It is easy to go back to what feels familiar. You know how to operate with the person who hurt you, but being unpartnered and truly alone feels unfamiliar. Returning to a partner who remains unhealthy, one who refuses to acknowledge or take responsibility for their behavior and change, is like renting a car with flat tires. It does not belong to you, and you will never get anywhere.
Avoid moving on too soon
Some people may encourage you to find a new partner as quickly as possible to distract yourself from the pain or to prove to your ex, or yourself, that you have moved on. While the intentions behind this advice may be pure, this is not always helpful. When you move on too soon without truly processing the past relationship, survival methods learned in chaos may return. This can show up as hypervigilance as you interpret your partner’s behaviors. Not only does this risk the longevity of the relationship, but it can reopen wounds that caused you to question your worthiness of love and belonging.
The three dot effect
As you navigate this new sense of emotional freedom, you might find yourself experiencing what I call the Three Dot Effect. You know, the emotional response to digital communication we receive, or the lack thereof, that triggers a silent obsession. You might check your phone several times a day waiting for them to reach out. In the meantime, you are obsessing over every word they said. If you have ever found yourself experiencing this and want relief, watch my TEDx Talk entitled, “3 Ways To Stop Obsessing Over That Text.”
5. Avoid trying to make the past make sense
We are wired to fill the holes of understanding by searching for closure, which will sometimes send us into a spiral of painful rumination. Of course, you want to know what went wrong. Of course, you want to make sense of the good days. Unfortunately, without creating boundaries for yourself during this time, you could find yourself becoming a victim of the mental loop of seeking closure as a means to regain control that was lost in the relationship.
Why block when you can delete
Some might say that blocking someone from contacting you provides a sense of control, but in reality, it is simply one way of control. To be honest, it keeps the door cracked open for the person to return. If you truly desire emotional freedom after ending a toxic relationship, deleting the person from your contacts and social media is more effective than blocking. When you have acknowledged that someone was unhealthy for you, closing the door completely allows you to regulate your heart and mind. You do not owe anyone continued access to you.
Delete the memories
We typically keep memories of the good times on our phones or on social media, but deep down, you know those moments were few. Rarely do we ever share the memories of our painful moments, the times we were manipulated, isolated, gaslit by our lover, or verbally and emotionally abused. Do not torture yourself while you are grieving the loss of the relationship. It takes courage to let go, but if you are not ready to let go of the memories completely, try processing these feelings with a licensed counselor.
Stay in the present
It is easy to sit with memories, especially if you are experiencing loneliness at the time. Instead of looking back at the pain, stay focused on the present truth of healing. This is your time. Practice mindfulness by taking note of all five of your senses. You are here, right now, for a purpose. Do not lose focus on the goal by looking back.
If you are in the aftermath of leaving a toxic partner, grieving, questioning, or simply feeling lost and confused, you do not have to do this alone. I invite you to join me at EvA Empowered for EvA Rising: The Relationship Reset. This relationship coaching group for high-achieving women provides four weeks of intentional conversation and connection with me, and women like you who succeed everywhere but struggle with love.
Watch my TEDx Talk here.
Follow me on YouTube, Instagram, LinkedIn, and visit my website for more info!
Dr. Leslie Davis, Clinical Counselor and Relationship Expert
Dr. Leslie Davis is the heart behind Eva Empowered—a movement dedicated to helping women around the world to break free from the cycle of toxic relationships and reclaim their worth.
Dr. D is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor and award-winning Relationship Therapist who specializes in guiding high-achieving women and single mothers toward emotional freedom, deep healing, and healthier connections.
