What Autistic People Want You to Know – Moving Beyond Pathology
- Brainz Magazine
- Sep 24
- 8 min read
Amy Noyes is a Neurodivergent-Affirming Coach and Consultant, specializing in late-identified Autistic and ADHD adults who are struggling with unmaking, burnout, and self-advocacy. Amy is passionate about creating consent-based space to guide clients in reconnecting with their needs, autonomy, and true selves.
Autism isn’t a list of deficits to fix, it’s a valid way of being. This article moves beyond pathology to center autistic lived experience, exploring why masking harms, how neurodiversity reframes “symptoms” as differences, and what true support and safe environments truly look like. If you’re allistic, you’ll learn how to show up with curiosity and respect, if you’re autistic, you’ll find language, validation, and next steps.
Why does pathologizing autistic people hurt us?
When most people think about autism, they may picture someone “odd” or “different” whom they know is likely on the spectrum. Professionals often turn to the DSM, which describes autism as a disorder marked by social communication deficits, restricted and repetitive behaviors, and unusual interests. For example, autistic people are often described as lacking empathy, struggling with eye contact, having difficulty making friends, or reacting poorly to changes in routine.
This framework reflects the medical, or normalization model of disability. Historically, this ableist approach has tried to make autistic people conform to neurotypical standards, often through interventions such as Applied Behavioral Analysis (ABA). These methods aim to suppress or erase autistic traits rather than accept them. Autistic people who have gone through these treatments often describe them as “traumatizing,” “humiliating,” and “just plain wrong.” As one person explained, “I learned how to mask and hide my diagnosis.” This perspective of autism seeks to cure, fix, or eradicate these so-called deficits, rather than understanding and being curious about other ways of being.
The medical model reduces autism to a list of deficits and ignores the lived reality of autistic people. It misrepresents who we are by focusing only on outward behaviors rather than our inner experiences. This creates generations of people misdiagnosed with other pathologizing disorders, subjected to harmful treatments, and left with a deep sense of fear and shame. Many autistic people grow up believing they are broken, defective, and unworthy of understanding.
Too often, the neuro-majority fails to recognize the loneliness, self-loathing, confusion, and longing to belong that autistic people experience. The pressure to appear “normal” only intensifies these struggles. As Jim Sinclair explains in Don’t Mourn for Us, autistic people are acutely aware from a young age that the world, including their families, wishes they were different. This awareness fuels isolation, hopelessness, and, for some, a risk of suicide.
What this means for autistic people
Many autistic people camouflage, or mask, their authentic selves. Masking is a coping strategy that develops when someone learns that their true way of being is not socially acceptable. Over time, they suppress their natural traits and instead behave in ways that feel safer or more pleasing to others.
This constant effort is exhausting and unsustainable. It demands constant monitoring of behavior and drains mental and emotional energy.
As a late-identified autistic person, I spent forty-three years masking without realizing it. Eventually, I became so depleted that I could no longer function. I was exhausted, burned out, and hopeless. I couldn’t see a path forward because I had no framework for understanding who I truly was. Discovering autism gave me that framework, and it saved me.
But uncovering all the ways I had hidden myself brought overwhelming grief. I realized how long I had wished to be someone else, and the pain was unbearable. I didn’t know how to be myself, or how to forgive myself for not knowing sooner. In Fall Down 7 Times, Get Up 8, Naoki Higashida expresses this grief, “I yearned to vanish from the world. This wasn’t quite the same thing as wanting to be dead, it was a severe inability to accept myself for who and what I was.”
This is the damage caused by the medical model. Whether enforced by family, schools, or survival strategies, it teaches autistic people that there is only one acceptable way of being, and that their way is not it.
If the world understood autism as a natural variation in human neurology, autistic people would no longer be seen as broken. As Zosia Zaks explained in a 2025 talk, “It’s a brain diversity. It’s a difference in the way we process.” If society embraced this truth, autistic people could live authentically, without apology.
Changing the way we think about autism
To move beyond the medical model, we must begin viewing autism through a non-pathologizing lens. A helpful framework created by Dr. Melissa Houser, founder of All Brains Belong, a neuro-inclusive healthcare practice. She describes autism not as a deficit, but as a difference, and organizes those differences into five key areas:
Cognitive style: Systems thinking, pattern recognition, and finding safety in predictability.
Motor planning: Differences in fine or gross motor skills, often alongside dyspraxia.
Executive functioning: Differences in the ability to plan, organize, and manage time and space. Challenges may include memory, task prioritization, and concentration.
Sensory processing: Atypical responses to sensory input such as light, sound, pain, textures, or smells, as well as vestibular, proprioceptive, and interoceptive differences.
Social communication: Different ways of finding meaning in communication, such as difficulty with small talk, reliance on scripts, strong special interests, or non-normative interaction styles.
Much of the fear around autism comes from misunderstanding. Most autistic people I know would ask for just a few things, presume competence, approach us with curiosity instead of fear, believe our lived experiences, and stop treating us like disorders.
Many Autistic people can quickly tell if a space is safe, if others are trying to change us, or if they value our authentic selves. Allistic (non-autistic) people need to check their ableism at the door and begin learning from autistic brilliance and lived experience.
Autistic lived experience matters
Reconciling my differences became possible only when I surrounded myself with people who understood me. There is no greater relief than being with others who accept you completely, without the need for explanation.
Some autistic people say they forget they are autistic when they are home alone. I had the same realization while immersed in one of my special interests, in that moment, I didn’t feel disabled. I felt deeply alive.
My next thought was, It’s the world that disables me. It’s the world that makes me autistic. This doesn’t diminish my pride in being a late-identified autistic self-advocate. I love who I am. But it underscores the truth. I masked not because I was broken, but because the world convinced me that I was.
Now I know I can live life on my own terms. With the support of a neuro-affirming coach, neurodivergent friends, and a commitment to valuing myself, I’ve come to see the gifts I bring to the world.
What needs to change
The neurodiversity movement is essential, not just for the neuro-majority to understand brain differences as part of human variation, but also for neurodivergent people to know they belong. As Nick Walker wrote in Throw Away the Master’s Tools:
“There is no ‘normal’ or ‘right’ style of human brain or human mind, any more than there is one ‘normal’ or ‘right’ ethnicity, gender, or culture. Neurodiversity, the diversity of brains and minds, is a natural, healthy, and valuable form of human diversity.”
Autistic self-advocates and allies have fought tirelessly for recognition of our right to exist. Their work has shifted the narrative from one of “fixing” to one of valuing autistic lives. We are not broken. We are vital. And we must lead the conversations about what is taught and researched about us.
Recent research shows that most neurodivergent participants support shifting society, not autistic people, toward acceptance. The study emphasized creating safe, supportive environments, adopting the social model of disability, and prioritizing self-determination.
Steps toward support and acceptance
Lived-experience professionals
It can be extremely helpful to find a coach or therapist who has lived experience as a Neurodivergent person. Having this direct experience will ensure that you are not being asked to change yourself to fit into the neuro-normative worldview. At ND Friendly Life, we take a collaborative approach that is client-led with consent at the foundation of our values.
Unmasking
Masking is a survival and safety mechanism that should be undone at the client's pace as they become more centered in self-acceptance. And having a place that feels safe enough to unmask is essential for Autistic people to begin understanding their needs. As an Autistic person, it can be challenging to know where you begin and the world ends when you have masked your way through life. It can be hard to know what your authentic voice is when the message you received over and over again from the world is that there is something fundamentally wrong with you. The message must be delivered to any Autistic person unmasking, “There isn’t something wrong with you, it’s the world that tried to normalize you.”
Building safer environments
As an Autistic person begins to unmask, it can be challenging to decipher environments that are safe or unsafe. But as the journey unfolds and more neurodivergent people enter your life, there is an opportunity to start noticing the difference. At this point, leaving unsafe environments that you find yourself needing to mask for your survival will be seen as no longer serving you. This process can be terrifying, and that is why one of the first steps is to find a professional who can walk you through this process or find communities like Neurodivergent Insights, where others can validate your experience.
You are enough
You are not broken. You are enough. And you deserve spaces where your authentic self can thrive.
At ND Friendly Life, we help you discover your needs, build self-understanding, and find belonging through a consent-based, collaborative process. If you’ve ever been made to feel like you must change to fit in. Know this, you are already enough.
Visit the website to schedule a free consultation and begin your journey toward living authentically.
Visit my website for more info!
Read more from Amy Noyes
Amy Noyes, Autistic and ADHD Coach and Advocate
Amy Noyes is a late-identified Autistic, ADHD, and PDA individual with a deep commitment to helping others discover and embrace their authentic selves. They understand how living in environments not designed for neurodivergent ways of being can lead to internalized ableism. Amy believes that uncovering one’s neurodivergence can unlock self-understanding, self-acceptance, and the ability to create spaces that truly support our brains. With degrees and professional experience in Autism Studies, Transpersonal Psychology, and Social Work, Amy has dedicated their life to supporting anyone who wants to better understand their true self.
References:
American Psychiatric Association. (2022). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders
(5th ed., text rev.). American Psychiatric Publishing.
Anderson, L. K. (2023). Autistic experiences of applied behavior analysis. Autism, 27(3), 737–750.
Cooper, J. (2024). Autism, gender, and identity in college students. Discover Psychology, 4, 26.
Dwyer, P., Gurba, A. N., Kapp, S. K., Kilgallon, E., Hersh, L. H., Chang, D. S., Rivera, S. M., & Gillespie-Lynch, K. (2024). Community views of neurodiversity, models of disability and autism intervention: Mixed methods reveal shared goals and key tensions. Autism, 1–18.
Higashida, N. (2017). Fall down 7 times, get up 8: A young man’s voice from the silence of autism (K. A. Yoshida & D. Mitchell, Trans.). Random House.
Houser, M. (2024, April 16). Shifting the autism narrative: The impact of stigma on health
[Video]. YouTube. All Brains Belong VT.
Milton, D. E. (2012). On the ontological status of autism: The ‘double empathy problem.’
Disability & Society, 27(6), 883–887.
Sinclair, J. (2012, October 3). Don’t mourn for us. Our Voice, 1(3). Autism Network International.
Walker, N. (2013, August 16). Throw away the master’s tools: Liberating ourselves from the pathology paradigm. Neurocosmopolitanism.
Zaks, Z. (2023). Changing the medical model of disability to the normalization model of disability: Clarifying the past to create a new future direction. Disability & Society, 38(10), 3233–3260.
Zaks, Z. (2025). Moving to a neurodiversity-affirming paradigm in the support system: Autistic professionals as paradigm change. Neurodiversity, 3, 1–13.
Zaks, Z. (2025, April 25). [Video]. Facebook.
