How to Make Peace with Your Intrusive Thoughts and Suicidal Ideation as a Late-Diagnosed Autistic

Written by Miranda Jane, Neurodivergent Affirming Nervous System Coach

Miranda Jane is a Neurodivergent-Affirming Somatic Coach and Consultant, specializing in the masked and late-identified Autistic and ADHD experience. Their personal crusade is to help recently identified AuDHDers understand and appreciate themselves, mind, body, and nervous system!

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Do you hate and fear your thoughts of suicide, self-harm, or the mental playing out of worst-case scenarios? You are not alone. Most people believe these thoughts are dangerous and actively try to ignore or suppress them. They’re afraid that listening to the thoughts could lead to enacting them, whether they want to or not. Many are scared to tell anyone what they’re going through and suffer alone in their own minds, tormented by these disturbing images. If you are a late-diagnosed Autistic or ADHDer and you experience these uninvited mental guests, read on to learn how to hold boundaries with your thoughts and access the hidden messages they are trying to get through to you.

Suicide and late-identified autistics

Active suicidality is the process of figuring out how to kill yourself and taking steps to make it possible. The devastating truth is that undiagnosed and masked Autistics are dying by suicide at higher than average rates, and suicide is a significant risk for us that we need to acknowledge and address in various ways throughout our lives.

Risk factors for suicide include the combination of unbearable pain with hopelessness, lack of social connection, and access to the means to kill oneself. Autistics are vulnerable to all of those factors, and can sometimes struggle with impulse control and black and white thinking as well, which means we’re more likely to take drastic action in a dark moment instead of holding on to see what happens tomorrow. If you have been thinking about suicide, please get help today. Don’t try to manage it on your own. If there’s ever a time to give yourself an accommodation, this is it!

If you are a late-identified autistic, please take your suicidal urges seriously and take action to protect yourself now from your impulses in the future. Consider suicide prevention a standard part of neurodivergent mental hygiene. For example, make a plan for how to protect yourself if the urges become strong. Think of it like a Ulysses contract. He had his crew tie him to the mast of the ship so he couldn’t jump into the ocean when he heard the Sirens singing. You may know now that you don’t want to kill yourself, but you also know that in a dark moment, death can look like the best option, so you can put plans in place today to keep yourself safe when suicidality shows up.

Like Ulysses, think about your physical environment and find ways to make it as close to impossible to kill yourself as you can. Learn to live without access to means. So if you have guns, get rid of them. If you keep bottles of pills and have a whisper in the back of your mind that you could use them if you needed to, get rid of the pills. I know the world is inherently dangerous, and we cannot live in a perfectly safe bubble, but you know yourself and what you fantasize about when you think about suicide. Do what you can to suicide-proof your life as a baseline, and then your emergency plan will just need to handle those other risks that you couldn’t totally remove. Every barrier you put between yourself and the means to harm yourself is an opportunity to pause and remember you have other options. So put up as many obstacles as you can.

Next, I want you to get really honest about the way you think about suicide. Sometimes the thoughts are not intrusive, but rather conjured up intentionally. Do you do that? It can feel almost like wiggling a loose tooth just to see how close it is to falling out. Thinking about suicide can be a mental escape, and if you are aware that you are using it that way, it’s in your power to change that habit. Choose to hold boundaries with these thoughts.

It’s one thing when they’re intrusive (coming into your mind unbidden, we’ll get to that), but sometimes we seek these thoughts out as a form of comfort, a promise of a way out of our pain. If that’s what’s happening, part of your plan should include weaning yourself off of these thoughts. Because going over them repeatedly can normalize them, and in this case, that’s a dangerous thing to do.

Finally, get very clear about the consequences of suicide. When contemplating suicide, we often believe it would be a gift to our loved ones instead of the curse that it is. We are so mired in self-loathing that we think we are poisoning the people around us instead of enriching them. I don’t mean to add guilt or pressure here, but did you know that suicide can be contagious? The closer you are to people who have killed themselves, the more likely you are to do the same thing. So when you kill yourself, you are also increasing the risk of suicide for the people you love most. So please don’t pretend it is in their best interests.

Are there other thoughts that come up for you repeatedly that go in the “pros” column when you’re consciously considering suicide? Go through each of them and find the counterarguments. If possible, please bring in a friend or a professional to help you with this. It’s too easy to get stuck in your tunnel vision thinking here. Let someone outside your own mind help you see the flaws in your thinking.

Consider what you need to get through the hard times now, before you’re any deeper in them, and give yourself a concrete plan for what to do. For some people, a few days in a hospital or otherwise monitored setting can be exactly what is needed to safely weather the storm. For others, the hospital is not a safe option, so you need to get creative about how to stay safe. Is there a friend or relative you can stay with and let know you’re not well?

I know it’s scary to confide in someone, and there’s a risk that they will not respond the way you want them to. If possible, think about how it would be helpful for them to respond, and let them know up front what you need. For example, “I need to talk to you about some things that may be scary for you, but what I need more than anything is just to tell you what’s going on in my head so I’m not alone with it. Can you please help me come up with a plan for getting through the next week without hurting myself? I think I need help getting excused from work and making sure I eat food and take my meds for the next week while I stay home.” Or whatever it is that you need, whether or not you know how to get it.

While I’m not morally opposed to suicide, I am opposed to it on a practical level in almost all cases. The reason is that so often the neurodivergent people I’m working with who are considering suicide are really just responding to the experience of living with unmet support needs and a belief or mindset that they are fundamentally flawed and to blame for their suffering. They don’t see any way to make their lives better, so the urge to die is actually a form of self-protection, as strange as that sounds. It’s an option that ends suffering, and feels more like euthanasia than murder when we’re in that mindset.

We’ve addressed access to means of suicide above, and the rest of this article will focus on the deeper issues at play, the lack of social connection and the chronic pain that late-diagnosed Autistics suffer with daily. Those factors are the same whether you are actively suicidal or experiencing passive suicidal ideation.

What is suicidal ideation, as opposed to active suicidality?

Not all thoughts of death or suicide are part of an active suicidal process. Sometimes thoughts of suicide show up even when we do not want to die and have no intention of taking our own lives. They are a subtype of a larger category called “intrusive thoughts,” which refers to thoughts that come unbidden into your mind. They are often painful to experience and can be terrifying, although they can also come with less emotional intensity. These thoughts can hold valuable information about the quality of our lives and the areas where we have unmet support or access needs.

Everyone occasionally has thoughts that don’t make sense to them or feel ego-dystonic, like they’re not actually aligned with who they know themselves to be. A kind person may have a cruel thought or image come into their mind, and a greedy person may imagine performing acts of generosity. For myself and many of my clients, thoughts of death and physical harm are familiar and unpleasant visitors. When they become intense and all-consuming, we call them “daymares” because they can feel so similar to a nightmare but happen while we’re wide awake.

How can I make these “daymares” stop?

The initial instinct for most people is to try to stop the thoughts, the same way you would try to stop yourself from bleeding. This makes so much sense. The thoughts are painful and scary, and most people run from them or repress them in an attempt to simply make them stop. However, what I’ve found is that simply stopping the thoughts is kind of like putting a piece of duct tape over the gas gauge on the dashboard of your car. OK, you’ve hidden the red light, but you haven’t actually gotten to the root of the problem. Suicidal ideation is unlikely to happen for no reason. It’s usually a sign that something about your present life is intolerable and needs to be changed. Remember those risk factors we talked about, unbearable pain and lack of connection? You may be experiencing them.

So before we banish your thoughts, let’s take a look at what they may be trying to tell you.

How can I be safe while I’m having these thoughts?

In order to listen deeper to your thoughts, you need to make it safe enough for you to stay present and calm, and not move into panic and despair. So carefully think through what your unique support needs are for this task.

As a place to start, I recommend promising yourself you will not change anything right away. This first contact with your daymares is going to be like a brainstorming session, not the time for taking action yet. You want to gain access to all of your hidden inner thoughts, feelings, and drives. And jumping into action too quickly can shut that process down. I like to use the concept of “inner children” here as a way of visualizing and intuitively understanding the many conflicting and sometimes confusing motivations jockeying for power in our subconscious. Remember, even if it’s for the better, change can be disruptive and scary. So we want to let this be a slow and well-considered process, and we want to make it safe for every part of you to step forward and tell you what they are going through.

Consider setting a time limit for the exercise. Let yourself think about it deeply for twenty minutes, and then stop and put it away. Go for a walk, listen to music or an audiobook, and get your mind shifted out of the thoughts and onto a different track altogether. You may need to schedule multiple sessions to listen to these thoughts and really get everything they’re telling you.

Also, make it pleasant to be present. Get yourself a nice cup of tea or a snack, and sit in a comfy chair with a notebook you enjoy writing in. Adjust the lighting and music in whatever way supports you best. I know it’s counterintuitive, but this is an opportunity for a lovely moment of intimate contact with your deepest longings and fears. Showing you care enough to make it comfortable is part of creating that safe space for your inner kiddos to tell you the information you really need to hear.

Intrusive thoughts as metaphor

When your mind is giving you daymares, flooding you with gruesome horror images or relief fantasies of the pain of life being finished, it is speaking to you in metaphor.

Chances are, you’ve been living way beyond your emotional means for a long, long time, pushing through a lot of things that you really don’t want to have to do. I don’t blame you.

As a neurodivergent adult, it can be impossible to imagine a life that actually works for you and feels good. Most of us have had some degree of misery normalized since we were young.

So try not to take these intrusive images and thoughts at face value. Look at them as though they are artwork on the wall of a museum. Or myths or fables with a deeper meaning to be parsed. Let the feelings of the daymares wash over you and allow yourself to experience them fully within the safe container you’ve provided for yourself, a comfortable space and a limited amount of time. You can go deep when you know you can get out again, but if you are afraid you’ll get stuck in misery, your self-preservation instincts will keep you from staying present to get the full message your subconscious is sending you. Remember to keep resourcing yourself and giving yourself the support you need to explore these ideas safely.

How do I get the message?

OK, now that you’re comfortable, and have calmed the inner children and let yourself know this is an open-minded brainstorming space for free creative expression, let’s dive in! Start by writing down the story of your intrusive thoughts. So if you had imagined yourself dying, write down exactly what you saw in your mind or what you thought. Were you thinking about an excruciatingly painful ordeal, where you were suffering? Did it feel peaceful, like all the pain had stopped? Were other people taking notice of what had happened to you, and if so, how were they responding? We need to get the nitty-gritty details out so you can see what your brain is trying to say.

Now that you have the details of the story, write down all the emotions and sensations that come up as you’re in the ideation. Are you feeling relieved? Afraid? Exhausted? Peaceful? Write it all down, even the little glimmers that may not make any sense to you. This is a brainstorming session, and we’re just writing down all the things that come up inside.

Interpreting the imagery

Now that you’ve got the story and the feelings, it’s time to parse what they mean. I think of these daymares as neon arrows, pointing us towards something in our life that has blended into the background and isn’t getting our attention. Or something that we’re aware of but have given up on dealing with. What are your big scary visions really about?

Start by looking for themes. I think most of us can find themes of pain and lack of connection, but there are other common themes for late-identified neurodivergents as well, like exhaustion, self-loathing, and unpredictability.

Write the themes that arise for you as you are with your daymares and write each one down at the top of a piece of paper. Underneath, write down all the things in your life that feel related to the topic. Remember, we’re brainstorming here. No need to edit anything out at this point, we are generating ideas, and no thought is too small or too big. Shoes too tight? Put it under the pain list. Afraid of loved ones dying? Put it under loss of connection, or in whatever category feels most accurate to you. Bored at work? Maybe one of your categories is “meaninglessness” or “life purpose.” Each of us has a unique situation, so even if there are broad themes most of us can relate to, you will likely have your own unique categories, or you may find that your specifics go in a different category than I’ve mentioned here.

What are some examples?

Here are a few examples to give you a sense of how to go about parsing the meaning of your personal intrusive thoughts. Be creative here, and use the information that comes up from your subconscious. Remember, these are just examples and you will have your own unique personal life circumstances, needs, and limits.

A quick, painless death

I need an extension on a project for school, or I need a day off work. I know it may seem absurd to be getting signals from your subconscious that would literally end your life for something minor like this, but don’t discount it! Very often, we can get rigid in our expectations of ourselves and push through when we really need a break. I know I learned in kindergarten that even though my body was screaming that I didn’t want to go to school, I needed to go anyway. As an adult, that means I have a hard time identifying when I need to take a break. Could that be true for you, too?

My head is exploding

I am in sensory overwhelm. No, your head is not really going to explode, but as a metaphor, it is so perfect because that is just how it feels. When our senses are taking in more than we can process, something’s gotta give. The image of your head exploding is just letting you know it’s time to pause the inflow of sense data. Take a walk in nature without listening to headphones. Lie down for a nap in a dark room. Sometimes applying gentle pressure, like putting on a firm, supportive hat or hoodie, can help too.

Having an obvious, traumatic injury, or amputation

I’m in so much invisible pain, and no one knows. Part of the late-identified Autistic experience is about invisible disability. In some ways, we’ve been invisible even to ourselves. We think we should be able to do things that others can do, but time and again we fail. Or we manage to do it, but the cost is much too high, and we need to spend days in bed recovering. This imagery tells us that we need to let someone in on our suffering and acknowledge our limits. It may also be about masking and dissociation. Do you feel that you are abandoning parts of yourself that don’t fit easily into your life? Maybe this is the sign that you need to make room for your whole self instead of just for the socially acceptable parts of you.

I’m dead, and it’s a relief

I need rest. For many Autistics and ADHDers, there’s a feeling that rest equals death. This can be due to unpredictable capacity and Autistic inertia, among other reasons. Many of us develop the belief that we need to accomplish things before we can rest. Actually, it’s the other way around. We need to rest in order to function at our best. While it can be scary to slow down, this intrusive imagery may be telling you that you are running yourself ragged and need to actively pace yourself. If this is you, do a little deep dive on pacing for neurodivergents or people with chronic fatigue syndrome to get some ideas on how to start.

I’m hurting someone else

This can be a sign that you’re afraid of your own power, or afraid of losing a loved one. It may be that you’ve been allowing resentments and frustrations to build up. What is the context for you? Is this someone who often feels hurt by you? Or someone who often hurts your feelings? Does this person hold some power over you or you over them? Explore if this is a sign that the power balance is off in your relationship, or if you lack confidence in your ability to show up for the people in your life. While we need connection in our lives, as neurodivergent people, we’ve often had negative experiences in the context of relationships. We often lack social support and struggle to get the nourishment out of relationships we do have. What are your access needs in order to have healthy, supportive, meaningful relationships?

Now what?

Now that you’ve peeled back the veil and seen what was underneath your intrusive images and daymares, please take a break! Let the work you’ve done sink in.

Remember, we promised the inner children we wouldn’t make changes too quickly.

Simply receiving the messages is a complete first step. Let the information you’ve gained settle and metabolize. Over the next few days or weeks, allow yourself to notice the areas in your life that are not working for you and contributing to the intrusive thoughts.

When you’re ready, you can begin to make plans for how to adjust your life. Some things may be quick and relatively easy (trading out those shoes that are giving you blisters), while others may look completely impossible to change at first glance. You weren’t having thoughts of suicide for no reason, it’s because part of your brain literally couldn’t think of a better option! So please, get some help with this step. Building a life that works for you as a late-identified Autistic ADHDer can be scary and feel hopeless at first, but even small changes can add up to big relief.

Autistic ADHDers know that the typical way of life, where you work 40-plus hours a week at a job that may not have any deeper meaning to you and where you have to abide by rules that don’t even make sense, is unlikely to work for us long term. That’s why so many ADHDers are entrepreneurs! We know the typical way won’t work for us, and we hate working for a boss, so we start our own businesses. But strangely, we often end up recreating some of the old dynamics that didn’t work for us in the regular working world! We need to create something so new, so visionary, that it will work with our brains instead of against them, and offer us the support and flexibility that we need.

My business partner Amy Noyes and I have dedicated ourselves to this process and are reimagining what a supported and fulfilling work-life can look like for ourselves and our clients. We’ve had to make tough choices, but our goal is clear, to build lives that work for exactly who we are, instead of trying to fit ourselves into the generic blueprints we were handed. When intrusive thoughts show up, we listen deeply to their wisdom and use the information they bring to guide us in setting our boundaries and finding the support that we need. And we want you to have a life that works for exactly you, too! If you are a late-identified neurodivergent entrepreneur, contact us to set up a free video call to learn if we might be a good fit to help you design your perfect-fit life and work.

Visit my website for more info!

Read more from Miranda Jane

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Miranda Jane, Neurodivergent Affirming Nervous System Coach

Miranda Jane is a late-identified Autistic ADHDer with a passion for helping people like them lead more pleasurable and fulfilling lives. They work with adults who are “twice exceptional” (2e), in many ways brilliant and in many ways struggling to function and disabled in their everyday lives. This particular blend of special skills and (often invisible) disability is particularly dangerous, leaving those who are 2e feeling thwarted in achieving their goals and leading to high rates of self-loathing, despair, and suicidality.