Unpacking the Myth of Compromise in Marriage Building Collaboration with Communication
Written by: Kristen Bilodeau, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Marriages and partnerships can often feel like a dance- two adults orchestrating a life together that is filled with joys and challenges, fulfillment of needs and obligations, responsibilities to each themselves, each other, and the life they created. They do this while trying to maintain their own sense of identity and growth and stay connected to each other. This is a tall order, especially if you are also trying to be a parent and raise a family.
The idea of “compromise” in marriage is a word that always felt heavy for me - whether it be individual or collective compromise. I watched my own parents compromise their own dreams only to never see them to fruition. I have seen couples sacrifice parts of themselves to please their partner or “make it work,” but this is a destructive plan in the long term.
A compromise comes with a feeling of sacrifice. A sacrifice where you had to step away from yourself or undermine a value, feeling, or belief that is important to you to make someone else happy. Compromise can leave the feeling of someone winning and someone losing. It comes with a sense of obligation and ownership. Often, it comes with a power struggle and power plays. Compromise can often arise in moments or situations of high importance to one or both partners. If one partner is compromising, it leaves that sense of imbalance and, often, fuels or deepens resentment. If both couples compromise some aspect of their wants and values, then those desires remain unspoken for; again lead to unmet needs.
It's high time that we make the transition to collaboration in our marriages and partnerships. There will not always be agreement; that is to be expected. If couples do the work to collaborate, they embrace the communication and contribution they can bring to the table rather than compromise. A collaboration comes with the premise of acceptance for who you are and who your partner is. It should come with the understanding that we are evolving beings whose feelings, beliefs, and situations are constantly evolving.
By communicating from a place of acceptance, love, compassion, and truth, we don’t run the risk of compromising the values we hold while showing respect and honoring the perspective and feelings of our partner. It is solution-oriented, not consequence-oriented. Couples let themselves and each other be seen and heard. They hold space for the voice and feelings of the other. They open channels of communication rather than silence or block their own desires to appease the other. Collaboration gives both partners a sense of appreciation and ownership - rather than conceding to arrive at a solution that can lead one partner to feel unappreciated, misunderstood, or powerless.
In collaboration, partners' contribution comes after each partner has reached that clarity of the other’s perspective and does not see the situation as linear, black and white, or right or wrong. When emotional charges are triggered often, we don’t feel seen or heard, and often they don't see the forest through the trees in these moments. Reaching the point of contributing does not mean that a partner has to concede to the other’s view wholeheartedly, but rather to see that situations are multidimensional and fluid, embracing growth rather than a fixed mindset towards resolving issues and conflicts.
Collaborating entails doing the work; it won’t always be perfect, seamless, or accomplished with ease, but it will give each partner a sense of value and agency in decisions and actions. Compromise can feel like walking away empty-handed. Collaboration feels like moving toward a common goal with a foundation of respect and appreciation.
The most important piece of collaboration is communication, not assuming your partner has clarity on your wants, needs, or perspective and vice versa. We all experience situations differently; it is important to communicate how and why you feel the way you do. Differences in perspective are what allows couples to learn and grow together.
Level the playing field - instead of a compromise where one always feels like they went home defeated, play for the same team.
Kristen Bilodeau, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
As a Personal Development and Marriage Coach, Kristen Bilodeau leads women through their own personal journey of finding their voice, healing their marriage, and releasing their inner wild woman. As a woman who struggled in her own journey to self-awareness and truth in her life and marriage, Kristen uses the power of a woman’s story as the tool and catalyst for change, healing, and growth. She helps women uncover their truth through questioning and reflection so that they are able to be the creator of their experiences and thrive as the woman they were meant to be.
