Train Your Brain to Tell the Difference Between Fact and Feeling
Dana Silverstein is a clinical therapist providing coaching & counseling services to meet your unique needs. She is the owner and operator of a small town and growing practice called Dana Silverstein, LMSW, PLLC.
One of the most simple, yet effective, cognitive-based tools is something called ‘Fact vs Feeling’. Our brain likes to try to simplify the world around us, and one way it has learned to do this is to make everything factual. Once the brain has logged one thing as a fact, the rest of our thoughts try to follow suit. While our brain may be intending to make the world around us simpler, that is not always the outcome. In fact, when we don’t use this cognitive tool, it can lead to negative spirals, increased anxiety, heightened reactivity, maladaptive thinking, and adverse impacts on our relationships. Just because one thing is a fact does not mean everything is a fact. Examples below:
Example 1:
You see two people whispering, and you think to yourself, they must be talking badly about you. You react accordingly and yell at the people. You come to find out that they were talking about a poster that was behind you, and now you feel ashamed and embarrassed.
In this example, it would have been useful to help your brain separate fact vs feeling. It may have been a fact that you saw two people whispering, but it was a feeling that they were talking about you. The ‘Fact vs Feeling’ tool in this example would have prevented the reactivity that led to feelings of shame.
Example 2:
You are playing in a basketball game and miss a free throw. You start to get thoughts about your coach hating you, never playing you again, and your whole team being upset with you. This type of thinking sends you into a spiral and leaves you upset the rest of the night. You get to practice the next day and realize everything is fine, none of those thoughts were true, and it wasn’t worth being anxious all night.
In this example, it would have been useful to help your brain understand that while it may be a fact that you missed a free throw, the other thoughts attached to this scenario were not facts.
Example 3:
Someone at school makes fun of the shirt you are wearing and says it is ugly. You spend the rest of your day feeling badly about yourself and wishing you had worn something else.
This example can be tricky because mean words were said to you. In this case, we have to separate the fact that someone said this to you from the feeling behind their words. What they said was not a fact—it was their opinion or feeling.
Practicing with ‘Fact vs Feeling’ is a simple tool that can go a long way. Using this tool can prevent reactivity, increase self-esteem and confidence, reduce anxiety, and have a positive impact on our relationships with others. Try it!
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Dana Silverstein, Clinical Therapist: Coaching & Counseling
Dana Silverstein, LMSW, is a clinical therapist well known for her eclectic approach and unique techniques to help children, teens, and adults navigate their social-emotional worlds and reach their full potential.
