Too Many People Suffer Needlessly During Separation and Divorce
- 1 day ago
- 4 min read
Written by Tina Feigal, M.S., Ed., Parent Coach
Former school psychologist Tina Feigal specializes in helping caregivers heal trauma associated with adoption, foster care, and children's losses of any kind. She's the author of Present Moment Parenting: The Guide to a Peaceful Life with Your Intense Child and has trained and mentored 850 coaches worldwide.
Before separating, spouses call a lawyer, they’ll want to learn about non-adversarial divorce. It’s not just a new way of proceeding, but a much-needed movement! Of course, most separating couples feel as if their soon-to-be-ex is the adversary. Totally natural.
What if, instead of viewing it as a war, they could redefine it as a life transition? What if they could save thousands of dollars in the process?
Ah, money. It makes separating so hard. And to make it even worse, the biggest mistakes happen before they even Google “divorce lawyers near me.”
Starting with a non-adversarial separation, they need to know what they own, what they own together, and what they can afford moving forward. With all the emotions drowning out their thinking brain, this feels overwhelming.
The key here is bringing clarity to the forefront. What if it wasn’t as hard as they think? They can get clarity on their home and the numbers that surround it. Financial stability and sustainability can be examined, so guesswork and assumptions are not part of the picture.
And the kids? Financial clarity benefits them as much as it does them. When children of all ages don’t have to hear parents arguing over money, they are saving the kids so much emotional stress. The positive effects of this stress prevention cannot be understated.
If they see uncertainty, risk, and unworkable conditions in their future, feeling that it’s all going to come crashing in, non-adversarial separation could relieve separating spouses of a great deal of their fear. It’s a life transition, a new chapter, not a war.
As the finances have been examined and some level of peace has set in, the children’s concerns come into play. Here are 5 tried-and-true parenting tips for helping kids navigate the change.
If you can do this together, that’s the best option. It demonstrates that both parents are able to honestly share with their children. Be curious. “Have you noticed that it’s been hard for mom and dad to get along lately?” If they say, “Yes,” continue with, “You’re right. It has been very hard. We tried to work it out, but we just can’t see a path forward.”
Let the children think about this for a bit, so you avoid overwhelming them with the announcement. “So, we have decided to live in different places so that each of us can move forward in our lives.” If they say, “Does this mean you’re separating or divorcing?” “Yes.” “What will happen to us?” “You will still have two parents who love you enormously. We just won’t be living in the same place.” Let it sink in.
Now that the news is out, give your kids time to process it. You could get silence for a while and then questions throughout the coming days and evenings. Give the most tactful, honest answers that you can. It’s so important to remember that putting the other parent down is not good for the children.
That’s their parent, a part of them. They will only respond with defensiveness, so parental denigration will not get the child “on your side.” If it does, do all you can to acknowledge that it’s fine to be loyal to both parents.
Please let the children know that they can always express their feelings to you, positive and negative. Simply say, “I won’t put mom/dad down, but you can always talk to me about your feelings.” This keeps children from being stranded on an emotional island, which can result in big “acting out.” Emotional safety in your presence is the key to a healthy childhood, especially in tough times.
If your children don’t have words for a wide range of emotions, get a feelings wheel, a helpful tool for identifying and expressing them. This could be seen as a growth opportunity for you and your children, a surprisingly positive outcome of the separation.
Do your best to keep routines the same/similar in both households. As kids are expected to move from mom’s home to dad’s on a regular basis, support them in what to pack, let them make most of the decisions, and be willing to deliver forgotten items to the front door of the other parent’s home.
Do your best to plan for 5-7 days in each home, as frequent moves can be very disruptive. They need time to settle into each environment, so decrease the number of transitions the best you can.
If communicating by text, phone or email feels uncomfortable, use a platform designed for co-parenting. Our Family Wizard is highly recommended. It includes calendars and other resources for your needs in this time of transition. Again, you are benefiting your children when you communicate peacefully.
For help with this or any other parenting concern, don’t hesitate to contact me.
Read more from Tina Feigal, M.S., Ed.
Tina Feigal, M.S., Ed., Parent Coach
Tina Feigal, M.S., Ed. works with parents of children of all ages, specializing in, but not exclusive to, child losses and trauma (foster care, adoption, reunification). Tina sees parents' power to heal their children's hearts in a way that they often miss. She offers tried-and-true ways of connecting with children of all ages to create emotional safety, the key to better relationships and behaviors. She uses a non-judgmental approach, understanding that every parent carries "how I was raised" as their model, often with unsatisfactory results. She helps parents get what they truly want from their parenting experience – peace of mind!
