'Tis The Season ‒ Setting Boundaries Around The Holidays
- Brainz Magazine
- Nov 12, 2022
- 4 min read
Updated: Apr 21, 2024
Written by: Mari Grande, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
‘Tis the season for special traditions, twinkling lights, and navigating family dynamics. Whether you're heading home for the holidays, or simply staying in town, the most wonderful time of the year can become the most stressful time of the year when personalities and preferences collide. By intentionally setting boundaries ahead of time, we can lessen the impact of challenging family dynamics over the holiday season.
Boundaries Are Values In Action
The holiday season is a time when we celebrate our families, our traditions, and most importantly, our love for each other. But those celebrations can get overwhelming fast—especially if you're not prepared with boundaries around your needs and values.
Whether you have a loving and supportive family or one that's been deeply hurtful to you, the holidays are often a time when we struggle to stay true to ourselves. This season can be a time when we feel pressured to compromise our needs in order to please others. We may even want to do things for others that we don't really want for ourselves, or take on responsibilities that aren't ours by nature of blood ties alone.
Being firm in your values is the first step in understanding how, and when, to set boundaries. Before diving into the holiday mayhem, identify what you value in this season of celebration. What traditions are important to you? What do you value as your role in the family? With whom do you value spending time with?
In short, get clear on what you need to enjoy a healthy holiday season. Whether it’s practicing self-care, prioritizing family, or participating in traditions that align with your beliefs, being firm in what is most important to you can help keep you balanced and grounded during this busy time of year.
Setting Boundaries Ahead Of Time
We all have family dynamics that are hard to navigate during the holidays: whether it's your overbearing dad who always dictates the plans, your sibling who insists on arguing about politics, or your mom who likes to sneak in criticism any chance she gets. Without proper planning, the anticipation of quality family time can be filled with dread, frustration, and disappointment.
Whatever the case may be, having boundaries around your needs and values is necessary in order to enjoy your time despite challenging family dynamics. The less obvious your values are, the more likely you are to give in to unspoken demands and expectations. While it might feel selfish at first, establishing your boundaries ahead of time will likely lead to a more fulfilling and connective gathering for all.
With your values in mind, set clear expectations around how, when, and with whom you plan to spend your holiday season. Let people know what you need from them in order to spend time together. The more communicative we are with each other about what we need from our relationships, the better off everyone will be.
Setting (And Sticking To) Boundaries During the Holidays
If you're feeling anxious about spending time with loved ones, here are some tips for setting boundaries that align with your values:
Set limits on how much time you can spend. This might mean only having one meal per day with them rather than attending every event, or clearly communicating the time you need to leave.
Say no to conversations or activities that aren’t aligned with your values. Be clear about what you’re comfortable doing and discussing. If a certain task or topic won’t allow you to stick to your values, let your loved ones know ahead of time that you won’t be participating.
Take inventory and know when you’ve had enough. Be clear about what signals to you that your boundaries have been violated. You might feel exhausted, your body might be stiff, or your mind might be racing. Check-in throughout the day and be ready to practice self-care.
Take time for yourself. If you notice your boundaries have been violated, take a walk in nature or go out to the store to get some space. While you’re out, step back and reflect on the mental and physical space that is safe for you around the holidays.
Conclusion
If you are grounded in your values and communicate your needs ahead of time, this season can be full of wonder and joy. In fact, having good boundaries doesn't mean you can't enjoy the holidays. By setting, communicating, and keeping your boundaries firm, you’re cultivating a family dynamic that is rooted in love, respect, and ultimately, the spirit of the season.
Mari Grande, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Mari Grande is a New York City-based licensed Creative Arts Therapist, Clinical Social Worker, Thought Leader, Educator, and Coach with more than 20 years of experience in trauma healing and recovery. By working closely with the mind/body connection, attachment theory, and the power of creativity, she draws upon her integrative background to alleviate the impacts of relational and generational trauma. Mari is passionate about working with women who have experienced a Mother Wound and offers various online courses that provide guidance, support, and insight through the Overcoming the Mother Wound program.
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