There Were Days I Wanted To Die
- Apr 14, 2022
- 4 min read
Updated: Jan 25, 2024
Written by: Al Ruttan, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Let me preface this article by saying that I am not a phycologist or a trained counsellor and if you are experiencing any form of mental fatigue or experiencing thoughts of suicide, please get in touch with a professional immediately. Remember, no matter what is going on in your world and what others have said to you or about you, YOU have great value!
My name is Al Ruttan, I am a Certified Coach, and I get the privilege of working with organizations to help them grow their leadership group and teams. My goal in life is to help others reach their full potential.
This article is my first for Brainz Magazine, and I have to say I'm honoured, and at the same time, I don't really feel qualified to be listed among all these other extremely talented contributors.
Today, I wanted to share with you how coaching helped me overcome some severe self-esteem issues that led me to consider taking my own life on multiple occasions. I can talk about this openly today because of the work I've done with my coach over the years. (Quick shout out to Njeru Nthigah my coach and mentor. I love you, coach. I'm not sure where I would be if you hadn't come into my life. Thank you!).
Believe it or not, in 1985 (grade 10), I walked down the hall between classes at school, rounded a corner, and almost bumped into two girls. I didn't recognize them, it was a larger school, one of them looked at me, said the words that would haunt me for 32 years, "you're ugly," she then looked at her friend, they both giggled and off they went around the corner. I don't believe I ever saw them again.
It's incredible how we can allow words to take root in our subconscious and then allow them to become our reality. The great Mr. Les Brown said, "Someone's opinion of you does not have to become your reality." Sadly, at the age of 16, this skinny kid with crooked teeth, a big nose, and a case of pre-existing low self-esteem didn't have the wisdom to know not to let someone else's opinion become my reality.
Those words echoed through my mind every time I would lose a client, get in an argument with my wife, or not get that 'big sale.' "You're Ugly" would immediately come to mind, and those words morphed to mean so much more "you're not good enough," you're a failure," "no one loves you," "you have no value," and sadly, I could go on. And that's when the thoughts would come if I pull into the garage and close the door and leave the car running the pain would stop.
I have to say that I am incredibly grateful that I didn't follow through on those thoughts. I couldn't leave my wife and kids, I couldn't give up. I needed to push forward and carry on. In 2017 I met my coach, we are both members of the Maxwell Leadership Team, and we connected immediately. We started working together in a group coaching setting, and with his help, I was finally able to put those words behind me once and for all!
In his book Psycho-Cybernetics if you haven't read it, get a copy trust me, it's worth the investment, Maxwell Maltz talks about happiness, success, peace of mind and when these emotions show up in our life, we truly enjoy life more. But, on the flip side, "when we allow ourselves to suffer anxiety, fear, self-condemnation and self-hate, we literally choke off the life force available to us and turn our back upon the gift which our Creator has made."
When we start to see ourselves in a different light the light of worthiness, value, beauty, and a gift, we can take back control of our lives from the words and actions of others. Words and actions we've permitted to define us.
Today, I want to encourage you, push past the negative words, push past thoughts you've allowed to take root in your mind get the help you need to overcome the limitations you've allowed others to place on you.
I want you to do something right now don't hesitate do it! Go look in the mirror and tell yourself, out loud, say it with me "I am Worthy! I am Beautiful! I am Loved!"
Let me wrap up with a quote from my mentor, John C. Maxwell "Your life today is a result of your thinking yesterday. Your life tomorrow will be determined by what you think today."
Think good thoughts!
To your Success,
Al
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Al Ruttan, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Al Ruttan is a Maxwell Leadership Executive Program Leader, Coach, Teacher and Speaker who desires to help organizations grow their teams, increase productivity, and improve their bottom line. Al comes from 30+ years in the Big Box Retail Industry, leading large teams in high volume retail stores. He's taken his passion for leadership and personal growth and now helps leaders, grow themselves and their teams. His business mantra is to unselfishly seek the best or higher good for others. Al's ultimate desire is to help you reach your fullest potential.
