Written by: Deborah Garratt, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Stigmas from the Past
For most of you reading this, you are old enough to remember how divorced women over forty were depicted in the ’60s and ’70s. They were classified as failures relating to femininity, family, and morality. This list contains the most important things in life or what society perceived them to be. As a child, my first recollection of older, divorced women was from television. Even in the ’70s, in the midst of the feminist movement, this was seldom spoken phenomenon. Although divorce was becoming more and more common by then, it was still considered tawdry and came with a stigma that was both humiliating and alienating.
The Blame Game
The circumstances or chain of events that caused the end of marriage were not important. In many cases, the wives were characterized as the main culprit regardless of the circumstances. When the husband cheated or left his wife for another woman, people still blamed the wife for the marriage's unraveling. Perhaps if she had lost 20 pounds, kept a cleaner home, or had dinner on the table at exactly 6:00 every night, he wouldn’t have strayed. When the wife chose to work outside of the home, society would often blame that for the marriage's demise. Due to the above-mentioned reasons, she was putting her own career and selfish needs over the betterment of her marriage and family.
The perception of divorced women back then was that they were somehow deeply flawed. Why else would her marriage not stay intact? She must be emotionally unbalanced, frigid, or just not wife material. Not only did women go through financial devastation, but also they found themselves being labeled by society, including their family and friends. There was a huge price to pay that took years to recover from, including rebuilding their lives, reputation, and financial stability.
The High Price of Leaving
In many ways, the fallout for women today going through a divorce is the same now as it was then. I left my husband about 10 years ago; I had more than enough reasons to do so, yet I took all of the blame. A friend tried to warn me that my children, family, and friends would view me as the bad guy if I left. She recommended that I stay and make him so miserable that he will eventually leave. Then I can play the victim card, and everyone will blame my husband for the breakup of our happy family. In my naiveté, I couldn’t fathom this actually happening. After all, this wasn’t 1972, and I had good relationships with my daughters, family, and friends.
Boy, was I ever wrong? Even though my reasons for leaving were valid and there was never a third party involved, I absolutely took the blame. I suffered insurmountable losses both financially and emotionally. In many ways, I went through exactly what the courageous women before me did, complete alienation from my daughters, and family, and so-called friends. Ultimately, People blamed me, and like in most cases they thought they had to choose a side. Needless to say, most of my relationships did not withstand the divorce.
The Unraveling
I understand more than most the fallout and pain that comes along with divorce later in life. It takes courage and blind faith that you will eventually come out the other side happier, wiser, and stronger. Over fifty is a difficult age to face the process of divorce and the uncertainty that comes with it. In many ways, this goes against human development and societal expectations. This is supposed to be when you’re just starting to enjoy the empty nest, have the time and desire to rekindle your relationship, and finally, retirement is around the corner. Unfortunately, going through separation and divorce destroys all of that.
Many marriages fall apart during this time due to simply growing apart. I had a friend years ago whose parents had been married for almost thirty years. Her father was an airline pilot and therefore was seldom home. Her mother always joked that when her husband retired that she would have to leave. They had four children, and she felt that the children were the only things they had in common anymore. Sure enough, he retired, and she up and left about four months later.
The Perils of Dating
At about this age, we realize that if we are going to pursue happiness, it needs to be now. We come to grips that we aren’t getting any younger and that time stands still for no one. It is hard enough to be single in today's world when you’re young yet alone in your 50’s and 60’s. Let’s face it; when it comes to dating at our age, there are not many good fish left in the sea. So many of us decide after fishing for a while that it’s not worth the effort or disappointment of trying to catch a keeper.
Let’s face it; we all come with baggage and a passport full of stamps from life’s experiences, both good and bad. The hard part is finding someone whose baggage can coincide or complement ours. At this stage in life, we need to accept each other’s past, appreciate what we have and find the courage to try it once again. It is possible to find love, and for many couples, this last love is their greatest.
Finding your New Tribe
After a failed attempt at fishing, some turn their attention to other things. We take up hobbies that we’ve always meant to but never quite found the time or desire. Suddenly we find ourselves with nothing but time. The adult children that we successfully launched into the world seem to be so entrenched in it that we seldom hear from them anymore. All of the married friends we once had are suddenly busy and obviously sympathetic but only from a safe distance. This leaves us with few options. The reality is that we need to make new friends, preferably with other single women our age that still know how to have fun. Our goal is not to form a pity party consisting of jaded, bitter divorced women. There are plenty of those to be found, but we need to avoid them at all costs for our sanity and spiritual well-being.
Take Action
I want you to know that there is life after fifty and divorce. It might not be the life we planned or dreamed of, but it is ours. I have more respect for the brave women that reach out for happiness than those that hold back from fear. I used to have a lot of friends that took the latter path. Some were miserably married, sleeping in separate rooms, but neither one miserable enough to take action. Taking action like marriage counseling or separation would be embarrassing, expensive, and messy. And they are right, but it is the only way to come back to yourself and with a lot of hard work to each other.
Your Own Path
For my sisters who are contemplating divorce or for those who have already embarked on the journey, I want you to know that I see who and what you are. Even if the rest of the world or even the people closest to you can’t, I do. Please don’t forget that if you are on the right path for yourself that is reason enough. I promise that the strength, faith, and resilience you’ve proven not only to yourself but others have made a difference. By taking the journey to find self-love, happiness, and a new life, we have inspired and empowered other women, especially those brave enough to follow in our footsteps.
Coming Back to You
We should be thankful for the women who made the beaten path before us with their tears, resolve, and hope. We are a sisterhood, and we need to support each other with compassion, respect, and honesty. I will not tell you that the journey you’ve chosen will be an easy one because it won’t be. But I am here to tell you that you are not alone and that in the end, you will have self-respect, perhaps finally love yourself and realize that you are far stronger than you ever imagined. These accomplishments are what really matters in life, and sadly for most women, they will never achieve a single one. I honestly think that we are the chosen ones to push ourselves to heal, grow and eventually come back to love. I am a proud member of this club, and we welcome you with loving and supportive arms.
Follow Deborah on Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest and visit her website for more information!
Deborah Garratt, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Deborah Garratt is an inspirational leader for women over forty. Her personal story is one of insurmountable loss, followed by redemption and hope. She had to completely reinvent herself in her fifties and has dedicated her life to helping other women do the same. She empowers "women in full bloom" to own their personal journey and embrace this amazing stage in life. Deborah uses intuitive coaching and spiritual arts to elevate her clients and all women in full bloom. She is a published blogger, executive contributor, public speaker, and a powerful truth-teller for women.
