The Transformative Power of Naming, Feeling, and Connecting in Times of Deep Pain
- Brainz Magazine
- Oct 28
- 5 min read
Updated: Nov 2
Written by Dr. Kim Dang, Transformation Coach
Dr. Kim Dang is renowned as a transformative coach in the field of personal development. She is the founder of the Art of Starting Over, a premier coaching program, and a strong advocate for unlocking individual potential.
This week, pain made itself unmistakably known in my body and my life again. It began as a tension in my neck, a familiar old companion from a car accident eight years ago, then spread like ink through my temples and face, pulling my awareness into every aching muscle. I felt raw, tired, and lonely. But the deepest pain wasn't just in my body. It was in my heart, this week, I lost a friend. A friend who always showed up. Who returned calls, helped with auditions, and stood quietly by in important everyday ways. Suddenly, the gentle anchor I could rely on was gone.
As business leaders and coaches, we don’t like to admit our pain, longing, or loneliness, especially for those of us who appear self-sufficient, and that includes me. To lead or succeed means we are oftentimes trained to manage pain away, to fix it swiftly, or carry it stoically. But only because we can doesn’t mean we should. Because in my own experience, and in the lives of my clients, it is in our moments of raw discomfort that honesty, transformation, and new wisdom are born. Pain is not a failure or a flaw. It is an invitation to become more deeply alive.
Permission to feel: Letting emotions move
Very often, what comes in pain, grief, or longing is also on its way out. Emotions are not permanent features of our landscape. Science now affirms what many healing traditions teach, emotions are energies that want to move through us, not stay stuck within us.
When we allow ourselves permission to fully feel, we create the optimal condition for emotional movement and release. The act of “giving permission” is simple but radical:
Instead of tightening against the pain or shaming yourself for it, you let it be.
You trust that by breathing into the ache, the longing, or the sadness, you’re helping it complete its cycle in your system.
Grief, when met with presence, will not drown you. It will move, and in moving, create space for healing, clarity, and real growth.
Neuroscientific research shows that emotions, if not fought against, tend to pass within about 90 seconds, unless prolonged by rumination or resistance. The more we say, “I should not feel this way,” the longer we bind ourselves to what aches.
The power of naming: Language as medicine
One of the simplest, most research-backed practices for soothing emotional and physical pain is to put it into words. Called affect labeling, it’s the act of specifically naming what you feel:
“Neck hurts.”
“Radiation through temples.”
“Pressure in front of face.”
“Cheeks cramping.”
“Eyes tired.”
“Shoulders pinched.”
“Breath is shallow.”
Rather than making pain worse, naming it out loud or in writing calms the brain’s emotional centers and increases our sense of agency. This clarity reduces distress, grounds you in the present moment, and interrupts downward spirals of anxiety or shame.
After naming, take a gentle step further, offer compassionate acknowledgment to yourself. “You’re noticing pain, and that’s okay. You’re letting your body and heart talk to you.” Neuroscientific studies show that this blend of acknowledgment and self-compassion facilitates physical and emotional recovery.
Micro-connections: External and internal
Deep pain can carry another shadow, isolation. When loss strikes or support feels distant, humans are wired to seek connection. Yet sometimes, reaching out to a friend or community member may feel futile or frightening. That’s why micro-connections, small, intentional efforts, are so powerful:
Externally: Send a brief text, call someone, write a note. Even the tiniest outreach is an act of defiance, a signal to yourself that connection is possible, even if only incrementally.
Internally: Connect to the part of yourself that is hurting. Recent research involving isolation, self-talk, and resilience highlights something fascinating. Addressing yourself in the “you” form (“You’re hurting, and it’s okay”) dramatically enhances endurance, emotional regulation, and self-soothing.
Instead of saying, “I’m hurting,” offer, “You’re hurting, and that makes sense right now.” This simple shift fosters a supportive, nurturing internal relationship, almost like being your own friend or coach in a moment of need. Psychologists now recognize that this “distanced self-talk” helps people weather intense isolation or loss, as it mirrors the support of a compassionate companion.
Sitting with what is: Radical acceptance and healing
When pain arises, the urge to fix or escape is strong. But what if you ask, "Can you let yourself be okay, just for a moment, exactly as you are? Can you let this moment be okay, just the way it is?" This act of surrender isn’t about defeat. It’s radical acceptance, allowing yourself, your sensations, and the moment itself to be enough.
Radical acceptance reduces suffering and builds emotional flexibility. In such moments, you learn that presence, not perfection or control, is what allows pain to evolve into wisdom.
From longing to belonging: A new way to lead
As leaders, creators, or simply as humans, we crave to be “essential” in our own world, to matter, to be loved, to be seen. Our culture often tells us to be either fiercely independent or endlessly available to others. But real strength is the courage to name what is true in your body and heart, and to turn that same gentleness inwards.
Sometimes, you will not find an instant answer from outside. Sometimes, you must go first, not just by leading externally, but by being the first to offer yourself care, acceptance, and belonging.
Practical tools for navigating deep pain
Body scan and naming: Set a timer for two minutes. Slowly scan your body and name, without judgment, whatever you discover. Repeat aloud or write in a journal.
Gentle distanced self-talk: As if speaking to a beloved friend within, say, “You’re hurting right now, and I’m here for you.” Notice what changes.
Micro-connections outwards: Even if it feels awkward or pointless, send one message or make one small gesture of connection. It may be with a person, a pet, a memory, even a favorite book or piece of music.
Acceptance practice: When strong feelings come, consciously pause and ask, “Can I allow this to be exactly what it is, even if just for one breath?” This practice shifts you from resistance to openness.
Journaling your longing: Write honestly about what you want, support, equality, and belonging. Mapping your longing clarifies what you’re ready to invite next.
Closing reflection: What is coming, is going
Pain, longing, and grief never mean something is broken in you. They are, paradoxically, the evidence of what is most alive. When you give yourself permission to feel, to name, to connect, and to allow, you transform pain into the raw material for belonging, transformation, and new love.
You may not be able to control when or where pain arrives, but you can choose to meet it with compassion, wisdom, and the steady knowing that what comes, eventually goes. And in that coming and going, you shape not only your resilience, but your capacity for joy and connection.
Read more from Dr. Kim Dang
Dr. Kim Dang, Transformation Coach
Dr. Kim Dang is a notable figure in the realm of transformative coaching and personal development. As the founder of the Art of Starting Over, a premier coaching program, she stands as a strong advocate for unlocking individual potential. Her diverse journey across various disciplines, from academia to the creative arts, enriches her unique approach to guiding others toward fulfilling futures. With her company, Dark Runner, she is dedicated to celebrating unique human stories and fostering authentic connections.
