Written by: Philip Airson, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
I have a theory that we are all taught when we are younger that being quiet good little girls and boys, that we should always behave and be kind has been misunderstood and drilled into us to a point where we do not know how to express ourselves or ask for what we need, and this is at the heart of so much of our anguish and depressive states.
Maybe you don’t want to say you need time for yourself because it could be considered selfish? Maybe you don't want to say what kind of meal you want because you don’t want to ‘rock the boat’?
Maybe you are afraid to ask for more intimacy, fewer work hours, change jobs, leave a relationship or even tell someone you got your order wrong.
So many of the amazing women I have worked with have told me they take care of everyone, do everything, and they are left with no one to look after their needs. Sound familiar?
We are told so often how to be kind and love others that offering ourselves that same kindness surely must be a bad thing... right?
I remember when I was young, I was determined to be the nice guy; I would do anything for anyone! Because 90’s movies taught me that it's the nice guys who win out in the end. What happened?
I lost relationship after relationship by being a wet blanket, I was miserable not asking for what I wanted, and they got bored of the niceness.
I was told which university to go to and what to study because I didn’t know how to voice what I wanted. So I went, I got super depressed, and I failed in a spectacular fashion.
I worked in a job I hated because I was told someone could get me in it. I stayed for 17 years and had a total breakdown.
I became involved in things I never wanted to do because I just wanted to please people so they would like me. I was in borderline abusive relationships, and I was just happy my misery made someone happy! My pleasing people had no boundaries.
I started working with my coach on this and started my own self-study on communication and learning to say NO, or rather how to say NO when it matters and when I know it will improve my life. Importantly for me, I learned to ask for what I need without needing to be aggressive or confrontational.
It is not about learning to argue and say no to everything someone asks, but more about learning how to communicate what you need at that moment, saying no to a night out because you need space to recharge, saying no to working extra hours because you need your family time.
There is happiness in NO; it makes your YES more genuine and special. It also means you know yourself, love yourself and respect yourself.
TO NO IS TO KNOW.
Philip Airson, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Phil Airson is a life and success coach, psychotherapist, and human behavioral expert. He has devoted his life to the study of human psychology and created PMA Life coaching with his mission to show over one million people how to develop a loving relationship with themselves.
Phil has worked with entrepreneurs from all over the world, helping them not only grow their business but doing so by helping them grow and succeed as individuals.
Phil believes that our relationship with our own being affects how we see and interact with everything in the world. From our relationships to our work to what we see in the mirror, it all stems from our perception of who we are and where we fit into society. By examining and working with this, Phil has changed lives and allowed some of the most successful people to connect to joy in their lives.
Phil is a man from a wonderful but working-class mining town in the north of England. He has been bullied. He has been fired. He has struggled financially. He has been lonely. He has lost loved ones.
He has also coached clients who have lost children, had life-threatening illnesses, been assaulted, been abused, and been through bankruptcy.
But Phil has also been a leader, a coach, and an advisor to high-level clients for almost 17 years. He's faced many challenges (in life and business) and has coached many people through life-changing experiences. And Phil has been privy to the secret challenges of top-level clients (Hint: they have the same challenges as the rest of us!)
Oh, and Phil's an introvert at heart who is secretly relieved when plans for a night out are canceled!
