The Scarcity Trap – Why Women Are Conditioned to Compete and How Parts Work Offers a Way Out
- Brainz Magazine
- 1 day ago
- 8 min read
Claire Buttrum is one of the first Somatic Trauma-Informed Coaches in the world, combining somatic coaching techniques with parts work and nervous system regulation. She is the founder of Somatic Harmony Healing, supporting women globally to get better at feeling and trusting the wisdom of their bodies.
It’s a painful reality of life, and one that is far from easy to deal with. The competition, criticism, and relational bullying that are so common among women form an exhausting cycle. Why does this happen? Why, in this moment when women are under attack and their rights are being eroded across the world, are we still doing this to each other? What you may learn by reading this article might surprise you.
We might find ourselves saying things like, “It’s always been that way” (which is problematic from the start, as that certainly hasn’t been the case. Source: The Guardian), or that women are just nasty to each other. But a deeper look shows that this conflict is rooted in the patriarchy, more specifically, a scarcity mindset created to keep us in competition with each other for resources. But there’s more to it than that.
To understand the dynamic of scarcity mindset and why it has kept such a hold over us for centuries, we must look beyond surface-level conflict and examine the roles our Protector Parts play when triggered by systemic pressure.
The patriarchal engine of conflict
But first, let’s explore patriarchy. A patriarchy is a male-centered social system that structurally limits power, status, and opportunity for women. In Western society today, men still hold the majority of political, economic, and social power. The few available spots for women in high-status roles, or even as preferred mates (historically a key to social and economic security), are perceived as limited, and they actually are limited.
Women are socialised within a culture that devalues and often ridicules femininity and other women. Just look at how women are treated in the media. This leads to internalised misogyny, where women unconsciously adopt and project sexist attitudes toward themselves and other women.
This foundation creates the primary condition for female conflict, scarcity. This scarcity drives women to compete fiercely with one another rather than collaborate to challenge the system.
But what do we mean by scarcity and a scarcity mindset?
When power, high-status jobs, or even social validation (historically tied to male approval) are perceived as available only in limited quantities, women are subconsciously pitted against each other. Our resources are perceived as being in short supply.
A patriarchal culture, in general, devalues female traits and company, leading to internalised misogyny. This pressure forces women to compete to prove they are the exception, that they are not like the other girls, to gain acceptance within these male-dominated power structures.
Women may compete to demonstrate their adherence to impossible feminine ideals (beauty, perfection, sexual reputation, etc.), which are themselves products of patriarchal expectations. Judging other women for failing to meet these standards can be a way to temporarily elevate one's own status within the system.
To help you visualise this, imagine how these power imbalances play out in secondary or high school. Girls are nasty to each other. They pull each other down, using ostracisation and isolation as means to belittle, control, or dominate each other. This is called relational bullying.
Remember the popular girls? That is the key to keeping the pecking order in place, and it is the patriarchal social constructs that keep it that way.
We can see the same thing play out at work. With limited spots available for women at the top of companies, or only certain types of jobs available for us, the sense that there are limited opportunities for us persists.
We are conditioned to be in competition with each other in all areas of our lives, from school to career, in how we bring up our children, in how we vote, and how we show up at work.
Women, from childhood onward, are operating within a social structure that restricts our collective power and individual opportunities. This structural limitation channels our competitive drives, which are natural in both sexes, into indirect, social, and psychological forms of overt and microaggressions against one another, motivated by a need for security and validation within a male-centric system.
This systemic pressure is not an excuse for bad behavior, it is the origin of the wound.
In parts work, we would call this a legacy wound. But it is nonetheless powerful and influential. I see dozens of women in my clinic affected by this. It impacts the relationships they have with their mothers, sisters, and friends. It has traumatised them, giving them beliefs about themselves that are not theirs but are so embedded that they can’t see where the conditioning starts and their true selves begin.
And where there is trauma, there are protector parts.
The IFS perspective: Our competitive parts
The Internal Family Systems (IFS) model helps us see that competition is not led by a woman's core Self but by the protector parts of us that are terrified of being exposed, rejected, or deemed unworthy.
The proactive competitors
These proactive competitor parts work hard to prevent the pain and hidden beliefs of core wounds from surfacing. In a competitive environment, they adopt extreme roles focused on securing status:
Part role | Competitive tactic | Goal of the protector | Underlying fear of the wound |
The judge / inner critic (directed outward) | Becomes the judge or gossip spreader, hyper-focused on finding and highlighting the flaws of other women (relational bullying). | To derogate rivals to make herself appear relatively superior and secure her own spot in the hierarchy. This is the mechanism behind relational aggression (rumours, exclusion). | Fear of being found lacking, the Exile that believes, "I am not enough." |
The isolator / the exception | Distances herself from other women, refuses to collaborate, seek female solidarity, or show vulnerability to or towards other women. | To protect from female rejection and avoid association with the devalued ‘feminine,’ instead seeking approval and resources from the dominant male group. | Fear of rejection by the in-group/popular group and the deep shame of devaluation attached to being female. |
The perfectionist/achiever | Drives the woman to be ‘the best’ in her field, appearance, or role (mother, professional) to make her irreplaceable and unassailable. | To guarantee safety and worth by achieving the limited, high-status positions of power and approval that society offers women. | Fear of irrelevance or abandonment if she loses her perceived status or value. |
The good girl/caretaker (passive-aggressive) | Competes to be the most virtuous, self-sacrificing, or nice, often subtly judging or manipulating others who don't meet this standard. | To gain social acceptance and protection from the (often male) authority figures or in-group by demonstrating unwavering adherence to patriarchal feminine ideals. | Fears of being abandoned or rejected, afraid of ostracisation and being isolated from the ‘tribe.’ |
The reactive aggressors
When a competitive threat is too close (for example, a rival’s success with exam grades, auditions for school plays or dance troupes, boys, spots on sports teams, promotions at work, raising families, securing husbands), it triggers the wound’s deepest fears (I am not enough, I’ll be rejected, I’m irrelevant, I’m going to be abandoned).
These aggressors react impulsively to immediately extinguish the pain and emotional dysregulation that arises. The feelings are too harsh to be experienced, so instead, the reactive parts must eliminate the feeling:
Outright aggression: This part lashes out, shouts, or engages in sudden, overt cruelty. Its goal is a temporary hit of control to escape the feeling of powerlessness.
The saboteur: Engages in destructive behavior aimed at the rival, driven by a primal fear of being displaced.
These parts are simply doing an extreme job to protect a woman from the overwhelming, exiled belief that she is fundamentally unworthy and alone. Viewed in that way, it allows us to hold a little more compassion for these reactions, even if we’re the ones on the receiving end.
The responsibility gap: Why blaming patriarchy isn’t enough
Many women, even those who are enlightened feminists or work in therapeutic spaces, get caught in the cycle of pulling down other women. But why is that?
Blaming patriarchy becomes a powerful manager part tactic. Placing blame externally means we don’t have to look internally at our own patterns, behaviors, and wounds. We can intellectualize without actually ever having to tend to the wound itself. We never have to sit with the awful, heavy emotional burdens we are holding within us. We can get angry at a system that feels impossible to change and then carry on as we are.
The avoidance: It is profoundly easier to blame an external system than to admit, “My own deep-seated fear of rejection is driving me to hurt this other woman.”
The elite manager: When spiritual or feminist enlightened language is used to justify aggression (for example, “I’m just speaking my truth” or “I’m dismantling oppressive structures” when really you're shouting at a perceived rival), it shows a proactive competitor part has blended and is using the language of healing to rationalize extreme protection.
Healing is our internal responsibility. While patriarchy set the trap, we are the only ones who can choose to turn on the light and dismantle the competitive parts inside us.
The path to collaboration
The good news is that true female collaboration is possible, and it emerges when we commit to the inner work of accessing the Self–the core part of us that is wise, curious, compassionate, and courageous. This gives us the ability to see our own and other women’s parts for what they are–protectors–to hold compassion for them, and then take action. With a shift in perspective, we give ourselves agency and choice–the choice to decide how we want to engage with and show up for other women.
1. Unblending and witnessing
First, we must unblend from the proactive competitor and reactive aggressor parts of us. We do this by stepping back and creating distance from these parts, "I am not the judge, a part of me is judging."
Then, we can turn inward to witness the terrified wound that part is protecting.
When the urge to criticise another woman arises, pause and ask, “What is this part afraid will happen if I don’t criticise her?”
Listen to the wound’s story of unworthiness and offer it the unconditional worth and security it never received. This is the act of Self-reparenting.
2. Shifting from competition to curiosity
When another woman's competitive or aggressive part is activated (whether she is shouting or passively excluding), your Self can choose a new response:
Try not to blend with your own protector parts, for example, by allowing your victim part or counter aggressor to take over.
Instead, approach her behaviour with curiosity and compassion. While you may need to set a boundary (which is also Self-led and protective), you can also recognise that her hurtful behaviour is driven by her own extreme, terrified wounds, not her true Self.
3. Collaboration through collective Self
Collaboration isn’t just being nice or going along with things for the sake of keeping the peace. It’s the conscious act of two or more women relating to each other from their Self-energy, creating a safe space where each woman's vulnerable parts don’t need to compete for survival.
By healing our own scarcity wounds, we actively dismantle the internal structures that keep the patriarchal game of competition alive, making room for true solidarity.
The greatest act of feminism is turning inward to heal the parts that patriarchy wounded.
If you are interested in finding out more about how your wounds show up and impact your female relationships, you can book a free consultation with Claire using this link.
Read more from Claire Buttrum
Claire Buttrum, Somatic Trauma-Informed Coach
Claire Buttrum is a Somatic Trauma-Informed Coach and the founder of Somatic Harmony Healing, a service focused on nourishing the body and mind. Claire is one of the first level 7 qualified somatic trauma-informed coaches in the world. Her approach is centred on nervous system regulation and deep self-connection, tailored to the individual needs of her clients who are primarily women. She integrates various modalities, including parts work, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, and emotional freedom technique. She holds specialised certifications in ADHD and menopause coaching. Claire's practice aims to help women become their own advocates and cheerleaders to achieve profound healing and growth.
