The Intricacies Of Intimacy
- Jan 17, 2022
- 6 min read
Updated: Jun 5, 2024
Written by: Shauna J Harris, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
When we think of the word intimacy, many different descriptions usually come to mind. If I were to ask 10 individuals, I would be presented with 10 unique responses. In fact, the Oxford Languages Dictionary presents numerous ways to define the word. It describes intimacy as “a close familiarity or friendship; a closeness, rapport, or attachment.”
What is intimacy?
It goes on to define intimacy as “a private cozy atmosphere, sexual intercourse, closeness of observation or knowledge of a subject.”
Often when I am first talking with clients, intimacy to them, for the most part, denotes sex. When we take a deep dive into the complexity of the word, it isn’t just about sex. Intimacy isn’t just about truly knowing your partner. Intimacy isn’t just about allowing yourself to be vulnerable and letting go. Intimacy is about all of these so much more. There are six different types of intimacy that we need to nurture in order for the level of intimacy, as a whole, to thrive and withstand the test of time.
Although all of the aforementioned ingredients are vital in a healthy and successful relationship, it’s important to understand the interrelating pieces of this essential part of the intimacy puzzle.
The 6 forms of intimacy
The six forms of intimacy are: intellectual, financial, spiritual, emotional, recreational and physical.
1. Intellectual intimacy
Intellectual intimacy is coming together and being able to freely share your thoughts and ideas with your partner. Conversations that stimulate the cognitive juices increase the level of intellectual intimacy in relationships. This doesn’t mean that both partners have to share the same view and opinion, rather having intellectual intimacy allows us to be comfortable expressing our differences in the areas that are important. Being able to talk to your partner about virtually anything and respecting each other’s views and opinions helps to build a foundation of trust and support.
2. Financial intimacy
Financial intimacy is the state of being comfortable in the sharing of your finances and your financial situation. It is discussing your financial goals and a financial plan, it is having a healthy relationship with money and your partner. There needs to be a level of mutual respect, shared control, equality, and a common vision. One spouse may have a higher income but that doesn’t mean you are not both on a level playing field, you are both on the same team. Financial decisions should be made together. We come into any relationship or marriage with different views on money so we need to spend the time and learn to work together. Talk about spending habits and how to come up with a plan that works for both of you. How does a joint account benefit your marriage and should we have separate accounts? What about credit cards, how many and what will they be used for? Is there a plan for paying them off every month? Who will be the designated bill payer? Will you do it together? Should you split the tasks? Maybe one of you has a love for numbers or accounting, this is where your strength may come in handy. Use your strengths!
3. Spiritual intimacy
Spiritual intimacy is all about sharing beliefs and religious practices and valuing the differences that each of you share. Mutual respect and trust are essential to increase and maintain spiritual intimacy. Being accepting of who each of you are on your spiritual journey is absolutely necessary, having an open mind to discuss where each partner is on their journey and where they would like to go will help keep conflict at bay. Ask yourselves, “how are we spiritual together?” Some ideas to try or continue to do are pray together, attend church together, practice yoga as a couple, meditate together.
4. Emotional intimacy
Emotional intimacy happens when a relationship feels safe enough to be open and vulnerable. The walls that we have built to keep us “safe” can come crumbling down and there is a sense of security and support for one another’s strengths and weaknesses. Sharing each other’s aspirations, needs, desires, thoughts, and feelings creates a bond and increases the level of emotional intimacy in the relationship. Emotional intimacy creates an atmosphere of trust and to maintain it, both partners need to ensure they are emotionally available and willing to find the time to have meaningful conversations and value what each other has to offer. Both partners need to remain curious about one another and be willing to be present and responsive during conversations.
5. Recreational intimacy
Recreational intimacy can be described as the time spent doing activities and going to various places together. It includes the everyday tasks done together as a couple as well. Spending time with one another is so important in increasing the level of intimacy in relationships. This recreational time spent together creates memories. It infuses excitement and the element of fun which ignites and fuels the intimate connection. Recreational intimacy includes activities that are shared interests, it also includes exploring new activities, and activities that one of you love and encourages the other to try. Any event or task that has the two of spending time together fits under recreational intimacy. This type of intimacy is often the easiest to work on and can be a ton of fun too.
6. Physical intimacy
Physical intimacy the final type that I would like to discuss. It is the touching or close proximity to one another. This includes holding hands, hugging, kissing, caressing, massaging, touching, and sexual activity. We all thrive on human contact, it has even been proven to increase the strength of the immune system. Some are more “touchy” than others, so the amount of touching will vary from couple to couple; it comes down to what works for you and your partner. Being able to talk about the level of physical intimacy in your relationship is a good sign that you and your partner will get on the same page and stay there.
When you are able talk about sex, your sex life is shown to be more satisfying. In fact, I highly suggest it. If it is difficult for you to talk about, start with simple questions that you are curious about. Talking about sex is also easier when you are not engaged in the act. Go for a walk or a drive, it makes it less awkward when there is activity involved. I have some great tips and techniques in this department that make it fun and enjoyable. The main goal here is to not only be physical, in all of the ways that are mentioned above, but also to talk about it. Communication is the glue in every aspect of any relationship and when it comes to increasing the level of intimacy, it is a must.
Conclusion
Working on each type of intimacy in your relationship ensures a better balance and will help to build a strong foundation. With this strong foundation it becomes easier to deal with the curve balls that life tends to throw. Focusing on one type at a time is a great tip to set you and your partner up for success. When you can work together, your relationship can thrive and will be structured for longevity and continued success.
Anything worth having needs regular maintenance, time, care and attention. Whether it be a car, a home, a bank account, a friend, or a partner, if we don’t nurture it, it will not thrive. I often equate it with the legs of a stool or a chair, if one is not balanced with the others, the entire stability of the structure is off. Taking the time to work on the 6 kinds of intimacy will propel your relationship far into the future.
Shauna J Harris, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Shauna is a Clinical Sexologist, relationship specialist, and international best selling author. She is the founder of Explore Intimacy, a results-based coaching practice.
Shauna utilizes her private coaching practice to guide couples through their relationship journey. She also helps to empower young adults through human sexuality education, which enables them up to make the most knowledgeable and healthy decisions.
Through private sessions, workshops, articles, videos, and speaking engagements, Shauna is passionate about encouraging and supporting healthy families and intimate relationships.
Shauna grew up in Canada and now lives in the beautiful state of Arizona with her husband and two yorkies.
