The High Cost of Hovering and How Over-Parenting Breeds Learned Helplessness
For nearly 14 years, I've helped individuals navigate the complex landscape of addiction in order to achieve recovery. Nicknamed "The Casual Counselor", my approach is unconventional but undeniably effective.
Ahhhh, the ubiquitous “Helicopter Parent”. We’ve all heard the term. But we don’t always grasp just how detrimental the approach can be for developing young people. Driven by a deep & well-intentioned desire to see their children succeed, many parents have transitioned to "snowplow operators”, clearing every obstacle from their child’s path in the hopes that the child won’t have to suffer the many difficulties of the human experience. Especially in these strange times we’re living in.
A colleague of mine calls the younger generations in our culture, “The Generations of Entitlement.” It has nothing to do with wealth, privilege or socioeconomic status. It’s not a jab at young people. It’s a by-product of just how over-involved parents are in their children’s lives.
She goes on to say (she’s an older woman) that when she was a kid, her parent’s involvement in her life was pretty vacant, providing her with shelter, food, clothing. Making sure that she was attending school & performing well. That’s about it! Their involvement in her day-to-day & her friendships & her feelings & missteps were essentially nil. They were available if she needed some guidance. They weren’t chasing her down to give it.
While the “very involved” approach aims to protect children from failure and discomfort, it often inadvertently crafts a psychological trap, Learned Helplessness. We have developed a tendency to forget that it’s from our greatest struggles that we discover our greatest strengths. Our best growth.
Learned helplessness occurs when an individual repeatedly experiences situations where they have no control over their own agency to deal with whatever the issue is. In the context of over-parenting, this isn't caused by neglect, but by excessive intervention.
When a parent manages every schedule, negotiates every grade, and resolves every social conflict, the child never receives the real-time data points necessary to believe in their own agency. This is not a good thing. The message transmitted is subtle but damaging: "You are not capable of handling this on your own." Or, “You can get yourself into a mess, but you need mom or dad to get you out of it.”
Over time, the child stops attempting to solve problems because they no longer have to. They have a team of fixers at the ready. This stunts the development of their executive functioning and the mental skills required to plan, focus attention, and juggle multiple tasks. It also sends an awful, silent signal to them, “Your life doesn’t all-the-way belong to you.”
The consequences of this dynamic typically rear their ugly outcomes when a young person is preparing to launch into early adulthood. When these young people leave the structured, protected environment of the family home for college or the workforce, they face a crisis. They’ve never had to deal with the adversity & problems & responsibilities of the adult world. They haven’t a clue how to proceed with a modicum of confidence or competence.
The young clients I work with, the “failure to launch folks”? They are intelligent. Hard working. Talented. They possess a strong work ethic & ambition. They also feel like they have never had a life that belonged to them. So, many of them just give up when adversity manifests.
Put on the noise-canceling headphones & light up a joint, perhaps. Anything to avoid the reality of how difficult the world can be, and their own substantial lack of belief in themselves. This perfectly sets the stage for problematic behavior & pleasure/relief seeking.
Transitioning into adulthood is naturally turbulent, but it becomes an insurmountable mountain when a young person lacks real self-efficacy. Parents! If you want your youngster to have a decent shot of successfully launching into early adulthood, your philosophy must shift from protection to preparation. Full stop.
There’s an old Chinese quote, probably thousands of years old & wise. “The art of parenting is learning to let go.” Allowing children to experience struggle & strife is absolutely necessary. When a child forgets their lunch or fails a test they didn't study for, they get a wonderful & embarrassing opportunity to be accountable to the natural consequences of life. Call them micro-failures. They serve to prepare them for the larger failures of adulthood.
When I work with a parent, I always try to confront them with the capital T truth that the healthiest way to support their struggling offspring is to step back. This provides the young person with an opportunity to step forward. To empower themselves. We need to hold the line, as well, as new boundaries are not always received well when they are new, and the first feeling a person might feel when we don’t step in to fix whatever is wrong is not typically inspirational. Young people often bristle at the introduction of boundaries that have never existed. This is why ‘holding’ the boundary is so vital.
It’s about replacing the safety net with a toolkit. With enough effective tools acquired, a person begins to understand that there ain’t a hard time invented that they cannot repair. Most important of all, we send them a message of ultimate love. I believe in you.
Read more from Joshua Bennett-Johnson
Joshua Bennett-Johnson, Licensed Counselor & Owner of JBJ Counseling
After working for 7 years in an amazing clinic, I launched into private practice in 2018. I love my job. I can say that without reservation. Watching people rebuild their lives is something that is worth more than any dollar amount.
