The Hidden Signs You're Being Manipulated, A Nurse's Perspective on Covert Abuse

Written by Tracy Ann Messore, Integrative Coach

Tracy Messore is well-known when it comes to trauma recovery and nervous system healing. She is a bachelor's-prepared registered nurse, certified trauma coach, and the founder of Integrative Coaching. Through her specialized courses and integrative approach, Tracy guides trauma survivors to heal and reclaim their authentic identities.

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Covert abuse often hides in plain sight, making it difficult to recognize and even harder to escape. In this article, a nurse with extensive trauma experience shares the subtle signs of manipulation and emotional control, offering essential insights for anyone questioning the health of their relationships.

The question I couldn't answer

"When did you know you were being abused?" I was asked this question by a client. I opened my mouth to answer and realized the truth was more complicated than a single moment of recognition.

I didn't know for almost twenty years. Not because I was stupid or weak or naive. But because the abuse I experienced didn't look like what I thought abuse looked like. There were no black eyes. No obvious violence that would have made someone call the police.

Instead, there was confusion. Self-doubt. A constant feeling that something was wrong, but an inability to name what. There was me, a registered nurse trained to recognize signs of trauma and abuse in my patients, completely unable to see it in my own relationship.

The abuse I experienced was covert. It hid in plain sight, disguised as love, concern, or even my own sensitivity. And by the time I recognized it for what it was, it had already shaped nearly two decades of my life and fundamentally altered my sense of self.

If you're reading this and something feels "off" in your relationship, but you can't quite put your finger on it, if you constantly question yourself, walk on eggshells, or feel like you're going crazy, this article is for you. Because sometimes the most dangerous abuse is the kind you can't see.

Why covert abuse is so hard to recognize

As a nurse who has worked in psychiatric care, rehabilitation, and hospice, I've seen many forms of trauma. I've assessed patients for abuse. I've documented injuries. I've recognized the signs. But in my own life? I missed them completely.

Here's why covert abuse is so insidious:

It doesn't match the cultural narrative

When we think of "abuse," we picture violence. Physical harm. Yelling and throwing things. The dramatic scenes from movies where the abuse is obvious and everyone knows something is wrong.

Covert abuse looks nothing like that. It's:

• The partner whose silence feels like punishment

• The person who seems concerned about your well-being but is actually isolating you

• The one who asks questions that sound caring but are actually interrogations

• The criticism delivered as "helpful feedback" or "just being honest."

• The control disguised as protection

From my nursing perspective, I can tell you, the absence of physical violence doesn't mean the absence of abuse. Emotional and psychological abuse can be just as damaging, sometimes more so, because you can't see the wounds.

It comes with plausible deniability

One of the hallmarks of covert abuse is that if you try to call it out, the abuser can make you look like the unreasonable one:

• "I was just trying to help."

• "I never said that you're too sensitive."

• "I'm concerned about you, you're acting paranoid."

• "Everyone agrees with me that you're overreacting."

Because the abuse is subtle, it's easy for the abuser to deny and for others to miss. You're left feeling like maybe you are too sensitive. Maybe you are imagining things. Maybe you're the problem.

It erodes your reality slowly

Physical abuse is obvious, you know your arm is broken. But covert abuse works by gradually distorting your sense of reality. It's like carbon monoxide poisoning, you don't realize you're being harmed until you're already affected.

Over time, you start to:

• Question your own perceptions

• Second-guess your decisions

• Doubt your memory

• Feel confused about what's real

• Wonder if you're going crazy

This isn't an accident, it's the intended effect.

You keep hoping it will get better

Because covert abuse is often intermittent, sometimes they're wonderful, sometimes they're cruel, you keep hoping the good version is the real one and the bad version is temporary. You think, "If I can just be better/do it right/not upset them, they'll go back to being the person I fell in love with."

This intermittent reinforcement is actually more psychologically addictive than consistent mistreatment. Your brain keeps hoping for the reward of their kindness, so you keep trying.

The subtle signs you're being manipulated

Let me share the signs I missed in my own relationship and the ones I now help others recognize before they're in as deep as I was.

Gaslighting: The reality distortion

Gaslighting is a form of manipulation where someone makes you question your own reality, memory, or perceptions. The term comes from a 1944 film where a husband manipulates his wife into thinking she's going insane.

What it looks like:

• Denying things they clearly said or did: "I never said that" (when you know they did)

• Minimizing your feelings: "You're overreacting," "You're too sensitive," "It wasn't that bad."

• Countering your memory: "That's not how it happened." "You're remembering wrong."

• Trivializing your concerns: "You're making a big deal out of nothing."

• Diverting when you confront them: suddenly, you're talking about something you did wrong instead

• Projection: accusing you of the very things they're doing to you

How it affected me as a nurse, I started doubting my clinical judgment. If I couldn't trust my own memory and perceptions at home, how could I trust them at work? I second-guessed every decision, even though I was a competent, experienced nurse.

The walking on eggshells feeling

Living in a constant state of hypervigilance, always monitoring the other person's mood and adjusting your behavior to avoid their anger, withdrawal, or punishment.

What it looks like:

• You're constantly checking their mood before you speak or act

• You rehearse conversations in your head before having them

• You hide things or avoid topics that might upset them

• You feel relieved when they're not home

• You modify your behavior, opinions, or preferences to keep peace

• You feel like you're always one wrong move away from an eruption

How this shows up physiologically: Remember what I wrote in my first article about the nervous system? This is your sympathetic nervous system stuck in hypervigilance. Your body is in constant low-level fight-or-flight, scanning for threats. Over time, this causes:

• Chronic tension and pain

• Digestive issues

• Sleep problems

• Difficulty concentrating

• Exhaustion that rest doesn't fix

• Health problems with no clear medical cause

Isolation disguised as love

The abuser gradually cuts you off from your support system, but they frame it as caring, protection, or preference.

What it looks like:

• "I just want to spend time with you" (but they get upset when you spend time with others)

• "Your friends/family don't really care about you like I do."

• Subtle criticism of the people in your life until you stop seeing them

• Creating conflict or being difficult around your loved ones, so you stop inviting them over

• Monitoring your phone, social media, or whereabouts under the guise of "concern."

• "We don't need anyone else, we have each other."

How this affects relationships: By the time I recognized what was happening, I had lost most of my friendships. I had pulled away from family. I was so isolated that when I finally understood I was being abused, I had no one to turn to. That wasn't an accident, it was strategic.

Criticism disguised as "helping"

Constant criticism or correction framed as being helpful, caring, or "just being honest."

What it looks like:

• "I'm only telling you this because I care."

• "Someone needs to be honest with you."

• Pointing out your flaws, mistakes, or inadequacies regularly

• "Joking" at your expense, then claiming you can't take a joke

• Backhanded compliments, "You look good for your age." "That's surprisingly smart of you."

• Setting impossible standards and criticizing you for not meeting them

• Public humiliation disguised as teasing or "just joking around."

How it changes you: Your self-esteem erodes. You start to believe you really are flawed, inadequate, or lucky they put up with you. You become smaller, quieter, and less confident, exactly what they want.

Love bombing and the cycle of abuse

Overwhelming you with attention, affection, gifts, and promises at the beginning of the relationship or after they've been cruel, creating an addictive cycle.

What it looks like:

Phase 1 – Idealization: They come on strong. You're soulmates. You've never felt so understood, so loved, so special. It's intense and fast.

Phase 2 – Devaluation: Gradually (or suddenly), they start criticizing you. Nothing you do is right. The person who said you were perfect now finds fault with everything.

Phase 3 – Discard: They withdraw emotionally. They threaten to leave. They give you the silent treatment. You're desperate to fix things and get back to Phase 1.

Phase 4 – Hoover: Just when you're about to leave or set boundaries, they pull you back in with apologies, promises, or grand gestures. You're back to Phase 1 temporarily.

Then the cycle repeats: Each time, your tolerance for mistreatment increases and your sense of what's normal gets more distorted.

Coercive control

A pattern of controlling behaviors that restricts your autonomy and independence, creating dependence on the abuser.

What it looks like:

• Financial control: Controlling money, making you ask for funds, sabotaging your job, running up debt in your name

• Regulating daily activities: Controlling what you wear, eat, when you sleep, who you see, where you go

• Monitoring and surveillance: Tracking your location, reading your messages, showing up unexpectedly, demanding passwords

• Restricting access to support: Preventing you from working, going to school, seeing friends/family, or getting help

• Degradation: Deliberately humiliating you, name-calling, treating you like a servant

• Threats: Threatening to hurt you, themselves, children, pets, or to destroy your reputation

This isn't about individual incidents, it's about a pattern of behavior designed to dominate and control. It's systematic, strategic, and calculated.

The confusion factor

Mixed messages and unpredictability that keep you off-balance and unable to trust your judgment.

What it looks like:

• Saying one thing, doing another

• Being loving one moment, cold the next, with no apparent reason

• Setting rules that they don't follow or that change without notice

• Punishing you for things they previously rewarded

• Keeping you guessing about what they want or how they feel

• Creating chaos and then blaming you for the instability

The effect: You become so focused on trying to figure them out, trying to predict their moods, trying to keep things stable, you lose yourself. You're constantly adapting to their ever-shifting landscape instead of living your own life.

Why my professional training didn't protect me

People often ask me, "You're a nurse, how did you not see this?"

Here's the truth: professional training teaches us to recognize trauma in others, not in ourselves. It teaches us objective signs and symptoms, not the subjective experience of being gradually manipulated and controlled.

Plus, covert abusers are often skilled at presenting well to outsiders. They may be:

• Charming and likeable in public

• Well-respected in their profession or community

• Quick to help others or appear generous

• Seemingly devoted partners who speak highly of you to others

This makes it even harder to recognize what's happening because everyone else thinks they're wonderful, so you must be the problem.

The frog in boiling water

There's a metaphor about a frog in water: if you drop a frog in boiling water, it will jump out. But if you put it in cool water and slowly turn up the heat, it will stay until it's cooked.

That's covert abuse. It starts so gradually that each increment of boundary violation, each criticism, each controlling behavior doesn't feel extreme enough to react to. By the time you realize how hot the water is, you're already so deeply affected that leaving feels impossible.

The physical toll of covert abuse

I want to emphasize: this isn't "just" emotional or psychological. Covert abuse has real physical consequences:

Chronic stress response

Your nervous system stays activated in survival mode (sympathetic dominance or dorsal vagal shutdown), leading to:

• Cardiovascular problems

• Weakened immune system

• Chronic inflammation

• Digestive disorders

• Chronic pain

• Autoimmune conditions

Neurological impact

Chronic stress and trauma change your brain:

• Decreased hippocampus volume (memory problems)

• Overactive amygdala (heightened fear response)

• Decreased prefrontal cortex function (difficulty with decision-making and executive function)

Sleep disruption

Hypervigilance prevents deep, restorative sleep, leading to:

• Fatigue

• Cognitive impairment

• Emotional dysregulation

• Increased health risks

This is why you can't "just get over it" or "not let it bother you." Your body is responding to a real threat, the psychological manipulation and control are activating your survival systems.

What makes someone susceptible

Let me be clear, being manipulated doesn't mean you're weak, stupid, or naive. Covert abusers specifically target people who have:

• Strong empathy: You can see their perspective and make excuses for their behavior

• Trauma history: Your nervous system is already primed to accept mistreatment as normal

• Desire to help/fix: You believe you can love them into being better

• High tolerance for dysfunction: You've normalized behaviors that shouldn't be normal

• People-pleasing tendencies: You prioritize their needs over your own

• Self-doubt: You're already questioning yourself, making you easier to gaslight

These aren't weaknesses, they're often your strengths being exploited.

Trust your gut: The body knows

Here's what I tell every client, your body knows before your mind does.

If you're:

• Constantly anxious around them

• Feeling relieved when they're not around

• Having physical symptoms that worsen in their presence

• Noticing your personality has changed since being with them

• Feeling smaller, dimmer, less like yourself

• Experiencing unexplained physical symptoms

Your body is telling you something is wrong. Trust it.

As I wrote in my first article about the nervous system, your body keeps the score. If your nervous system is signaling danger, there's a reason, even if you can't consciously identify what it is yet.

The path forward

If you're recognizing yourself in this article, I want you to know:

• You're not imagining it

• You're not too sensitive

• You're not crazy

• This isn't your fault

• You deserve better

• You can get out

First steps

Document everything: Keep a private journal (that they can't access) of incidents, dates, and what was said. When you're being gaslit, written records help you trust your own reality.

Reach back out to your support system: I know they may have criticized or isolated you from these people. Reach out anyway. Real friends and family will understand.

Talk to a professional: A therapist who specializes in abuse can help you see what you're experiencing clearly and safely plan next steps.

Create a safety plan: This might include having money set aside, important documents secured, a place to go, people who can help. Even if you're not ready to leave, having a plan creates options.

Learn about trauma bonding: Understanding why it's so hard to leave helps you have compassion for yourself and strengthens your resolve.

Breaking free

In my next article, I'll talk about the practical, somatic tools for nervous system regulation—the techniques that helped me move from constant fight-or-flight to feeling safe in my own body again. Because recognizing the abuse is crucial, but healing from it requires helping your nervous system learn that you're safe now.

Until then, please remember, if something feels wrong, it probably is. Your confusion isn't a sign that nothing is happening, it's often a sign that something very calculated is happening. Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do.

Follow me on Facebook, Instagram, and visit my website for more info!

Read more from Tracy Ann Messore

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Tracy Ann Messore, Integrative Coach

Tracy Messore is well-known when it comes to trauma recovery and nervous system healing. She is a bachelor's-prepared registered nurse, certified trauma coach, and the founder of Integrative Coaching. After enduring decades of generational trauma and abuse, Tracy transformed her pain into purpose by combining her nursing expertise with somatic body-based healing and polyvagal theory to help trauma survivors break free from survival mode and rediscover their authentic selves. Through her specialized courses and integrative approach, which addresses the mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual dimensions of healing, Tracy guides people through processing stored trauma, regulating their nervous systems, and breaking generational cycles.

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References and Further Reading:

The concepts in this article are informed by research on abuse, manipulation, and coercive control:

• Gaslighting and Psychological Manipulation: Stern, R. (2018). The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life. Harmony.

• Coercive Control: Stark, E. (2007). Coercive Control: How Men Entrap Women in Personal Life. Oxford University Press.

• Narcissistic Abuse: Arabi, S. (2017). Becoming the Narcissist's Nightmare: How to Devalue and Discard the Narcissist While Supplying Yourself. SCW Archer Publishing.

• Trauma Bonding: Carnes, P. (2019). The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships. Health Communications, Inc.

• Abuse Recognition: Evans, P. (2010). The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize It and How to Respond. Adams Media.

Note: This article presents these concepts through the lens of the author's nursing training, personal healing journey, and professional coaching practice. The explanations and applications are the author's own interpretations designed to make complex concepts accessible to survivors.