The Habit That Kills Softly
- Mar 31, 2021
- 4 min read
Updated: Jan 17, 2024
Written by: Jolyn Maniaci, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
When we think “habits,” we typically think behaviors, things we do—smoking, drinking, eating ice cream with potato chips after macaroni and cheese to make up for a crappy day at work or an argument with the SO.
Much attention and money are paid to address these habits and change the behaviors, but often to no avail as the root of the issue is not adequately addressed. The emotional or mental pattern that drives the behavior is left unexamined and unchallenged.
Some habits require no movement.
These mental and emotional patterns are themselves habits — unconscious patterns that have become automatic through conditioning and repetition. As such, there are two things to keep in mind:
1. Habits do not extinguish themselves. Intention and effort are required to break the conditioning.
2. Once established, habits work to maintain themselves. This is just how the subconscious works. Once something has shown itself effective in survival, including nervous system regulation (aka comfort), it is prioritized, reinforced, and protected.
A common mental/emotional habit that “kills softly” as its way of evading detection and preserving itself is sloppy —"showing or in the habit of using little care or attention.”
Being sloppy is not a judgment about how you appear on the outside but an awareness of how you feel on the inside when you choose or take action.
When we are sloppy, we hurt ourselves and deteriorate our own self-esteem. We don’t feel as good about ourselves when we use little care or pay little to no attention to our own emotional needs — our standards, boundaries, empathy, space; our self-talk and the meanings we assign to other people’s reactions and behaviors; and ways we use to connect with others.
For instance, when you stay in a conversation too long and then feel drained or irritated when you feel good before. Or, if you end up talking about your latest break up again even though you really called your friend to see how her new job is going. Or, you tell yourself that nobody cares what you look like, so leave your house sporting a powdered wig look from colonial days because you didn’t work in your dry shampoo.
The damage isn’t limited to one.
Humans are social animals and need connection to thrive.
When we “go there” and let ourselves slide into negative self-talk, wallow in self-pity, excuse and refuse to challenge depression or anxiety (even defend it), and use problems and complaining as a means to connect, we become a burden.
We create more work for others, requiring them to use more energy to elevate the mood, the tone, and the content of conversation to maintain their boundaries and preserve their peace and well-being. Continually having to maintain boundaries is fatiguing, and over time will also erode trust and respect, and that person will leave.
Tidy yourself up.
If you know or suspect you’ve been sloppy, if you don’t feel good about yourself or realize that relationships you care about are breaking down, then clean it up. Break the habit of being sloppy, re-condition yourself, and create a habit of caring. It all starts with paying attention:
• Self-talk — What are some of the things you “tell” yourself?
• How you connect —Do you often start conversations about what’s wrong?
• Emotions — How do you feel? Is there a “place” where you often “end up”? What emotions do you talk about; nurture with the content (songs, blogs, podcasts) you tune into?
You pay for what you value, and you pay for and invest in a lot with your attention. Paying attention to what you pay attention to is enough to start breaking the habit of being sloppy and improving your relationships.
Check out Happiness Brain Training, my success accelerator program. Using the latest research in brain physiology and Future Forward Focus ™ approach, you can re-train your brain and make success—whatever that means for you right now— your habit!
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Jolyn Maniaci, Executive Contributor, Brainz Magazine
Dr. Joylyn Maniaci is an expert in communication and relationship dynamics, creatrix and founder of the HAPPINESS clinic. Combining her personal experience of childhood abuse, eating disorders, depression, and suicide with her training in naturopathic medicine, psychology, improv comedy, and more. She developed her Future-Forward Focus coaching technique that makes happiness the marker and measure of success. She has developed innovative coaching programs, such as the 90-Day Relationship Remodel, Venus In Motion, Improv It to Improve It (Marriage Improv). She gets results for individuals, groups, and couples because she keeps the focus on the future and the most important thing in the world (and the relationship with whom all others depend) YOU! This self-described “word nerd” can identify why you feel out of touch and unhappy and give you the tools to be confident in yourself, happy, and know without a doubt that things don’t happen to you. YOU happen to things.
