Written by: Lisa Sonni, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Do you ever feel like a magnet for people who are toxic, takers, and exploitative?
Narcissists and other highly toxic and abusive people gravitate to those who are compassionate, empathetic, and agreeable. It's not just a coincidence. Narcissists often seek out individuals who possess these qualities because they know they can easily manipulate them. Let’s explore why narcissists target agreeable people, how they test them, and what you can do to protect yourself if you ever find yourself in a relationship with a covert narcissist. It’s far more common than you think. Experts believe 10-15% of the population is on the narcissistic spectrum.
How A Narcissist Tests You
First, let's understand how narcissists test their targets. In the beginning stages of a relationship, they'll shower you with compliments and attention. They want to see if their advances are welcome, and if you respond positively, they know they've found someone who is easy to manipulate. This desire for control is a hallmark of narcissistic personality disorder. It's not just about feeling important or superior.
Narcissists also want to make sure that their partners are subservient and obedient, always willing to do what they want. It's not about finding a true partner or equal. It's about finding someone who will cater to their every need. One way that narcissists test their target is by playing mind games. They'll create scenarios where you are forced to choose between what you want and what the narcissist wants. This is a way for them to see how far they can push you and if they'll be able to get you to go along with their desires. If they're successful, they'll know that you’re someone they can control.
Why Do Victims Stay
But why do victims of narcissistic abuse stay in these relationships, often not even realizing they are in an abusive situation? One reason is the trauma bond that forms between the victim and the abuser. Abusers alternate between love bombing, positive reinforcement, and devaluation, which can create a cycle of emotional highs and lows that is actually addictive. There is a whole science behind it. Victims may also feel isolated and unable to leave the relationship because the abuser has made them believe they are worthless and unable to survive without them. You can break your trauma bond. Being too agreeable can be dangerous, especially in a relationship with a narcissist. They are experts at identifying people who are easy to manipulate and will use flattery, mind games, and a desire for control to keep their partner in check. But there is hope. If you find yourself in a relationship with a narcissist, it's important to seek help and support. Surround yourself with people who will encourage you to stand up for yourself and to set boundaries. Remember, you deserve to be in a healthy, loving relationship where both partners are equals.
As an abuse recovery coach, I offer 1:1 sessions to help individuals heal from narcissistic abuse and regain their sense of self-worth. Together, we can work on identifying the patterns of abuse, setting boundaries, and creating a plan for a healthy future. Don't let a narcissist convince you that you're not worthy of love and respect. You are worth so much more than that.
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Lisa Sonni, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Lisa Sonni is a survivor of domestic assault and narcissistic abuse, and her first hand experience led her to where she is today ‒ a certified Relationship Coach specializing in abuse education and trauma bond recovery. She helps clients from all walks of life overcome challenges stemming from traumatic partnerships. She is the author of the Trauma Bond Recovery Course, The Trauma Bond Recovery Journal, and Rebuilding After A Trauma Bond: A Self-Love Journal, as well as a popular content creator known as Stronger Than Before across all social media platforms.
