Written by: Jana Morton, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Are you in a relationship that feels incredibly confusing? Do you feel like walking on eggshells, careful not to say or do anything that can trigger your partner's anger? Do you feel emotionally exhausted, often questioning yourself?
Recognizing that you are in a relationship with a covert narcissist can be extremely difficult. They are the masters of manipulation and deception. They often hide their true personality traits and are quite skillful at presenting themselves in the best light possible to others. As a relationship coach, I have seen firsthand the devastating impact of emotional and psychological abuse on the lives of my clients in a relationship with these personality-disordered individuals. Unlike the overt narcissists, which are easier to recognize for their grandiose sense of self-importance, lack of empathy, entitlement, arrogance, attention-seeking behavior, and tendency to exploit and manipulate others, the covert narcissists, although they possess the same traits, tend to act out these traits in a more subtle and hidden manner. It is highly confusing how charming, kind, loving, deeply caring, and even empathetic they can appear, especially during the love bombing phase. They may also appear shy, introverted, and self-deprecating. During the love bombing phase, covert narcissists use intense affection, attention, and flattery to manipulate you into feeling loved and adored. They want to establish a deep emotional connection quickly to gain control over your emotions and behavior. They often use future faking to create a sense of security and commitment, making you believe you have a bright future together. My clients often say they have felt like they had finally met their soul mate at the beginning of their relationship with a covert narcissist.
Here are some common traits and behaviors of covert narcissists and their impact on you:
1. Self-absorption
Covert narcissists focus mainly on themselves and their needs and desires. They may have an inner dialogue that revolves around their concerns, feelings, and desires, which hardly ever includes you.
Imagine that you are having a conversation with your partner about something important to you. Instead of actively listening and engaging with you, your partner seems distracted and uninterested. They may interrupt you to talk about their own experiences or opinions, or they may check their phone or engage in other activities while you are sharing what really matters to you.
This behavior is very frustrating and hurtful, making you feel like your needs and opinions are not important or valued. Your partner indirectly tells you that you do not matter, which has a massive impact on your self-worth over time.
2. Lack of empathy
Narcissists have difficulty empathizing and understanding other peoples' feelings and perspectives. They may seem cold or indifferent to you and cannot provide emotional support or validation.
Were you ever going through a difficult time in your life, confided in your partner about your struggles, and instead of listening and offering support, your partner responded by saying, "Well, at least you don't have it as bad as me. I've had it so much worse than you back then."
Your partner is showing a lack of empathy by dismissing your feelings and experiences and redirecting the conversation back to themselves. They are unable to validate your emotions or offer you the support and understanding that you need, and this behavior only gets worse over time. They indirectly communicate that they are not interested in whatever you are going through, which again has a massive impact on your self-worth and self-confidence.
3. Victim's mentality
Covert narcissists see themselves as victims in many situations while refusing to self-reflect and learn from their mistakes. They may use their suffering or hardships to elicit your sympathy and attention. Let's say you and your partner are arguing about something important to you regarding your relationship. You express your opinion, but your partner disagrees and gets angry. Instead of trying to understand your perspective, they say, "I can't believe you're attacking me again. I always try to be understanding, but I don't think you appreciate it. You want to fight and make me feel like the bad guy." Do you think this sounds familiar to you?
Here, your partner uses a victim's mentality to deflect attention away from the argument and onto themselves. By portraying themselves as victims, they hope to get sympathy and avoid taking responsibility for their behavior. They may also try to make you feel guilty for expressing your opinion and disagreeing with them.
4. Insecurity and projection
Covert narcissists have a deeply-rooted feelings of insecurity and low self-esteem, which they very well mask. They are highly sensitive to criticism and rejection. They may become defensive or hostile when their self-worth is threatened.
Insecurity is at the root of many harmful behaviors that covert narcissists exhibit. They have an inflated sense of self-importance and a deep fear of rejection and abandonment.
Covert narcissists often engage in a blame game to protect themselves from this insecurity. They project their negative qualities onto others and blame them for things they are responsible for or deny responsibility for their actions and behaviors. Imagine you are in a relationship with someone constantly seeking validation and reassurance from you. They may be overly sensitive to criticism and rejection and require constant attention and affection.
Suppose they don't get what they want. In that case, they will blame you for not being affectionate, compassionate, or loving and caring enough while projecting onto you what they lack.
In this scenario, the covert narcissist shows insecure behavior by seeking your validation and reassurance. They may do this to boost their self-confidence or to feel a sense of control over you. Over time, this becomes a burden for you as you may feel you can never do or say enough to satisfy the narcissist's needs.
5. Passive-aggressive behavior
Covert narcissists often use passive-aggressive behavior to manipulate or control you. They make subtle jabs or comments to hurt and belittle you, while speaking softly to you.
Imagine that you and your partner have plans to go out to dinner. However, when you arrive at the restaurant, your partner seems upset and distant. They make sarcastic comments about the taxi driver, the restaurant's ambiance, or your look. Then give you the silent treatment, even though you are unsure what you have done wrong. And, of course, you make yourself responsible for your partner's bad mood because you are trained by now that everything is your fault.
In this scenario, the covert narcissist shows passive-aggressive behavior by indirectly expressing anger or frustration. They are not able to communicate their feelings directly, so they resort to subtle forms of punishment, like withholding affection or making snide comments.
Again, your sense of reality and your self-worth is undermined.
6. Secretive behavior
Covert narcissists are highly secretive about their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. They may be selective about what they share with you and are highly guarded about their vulnerabilities and weaknesses. Imagine you are in a relationship with someone who is very guarded about their personal life. They may be hesitant to share details about their past, their family, and especially about their emotions. They may also be secretive about their daily activities or where they spend their time.
In this scenario, the covert narcissist shows secretive behavior by keeping important information from you. They may do this to maintain a sense of control or to avoid being vulnerable. This creates a sense of mistrust and distance in a relationship, as you don't fully know or understand your partner. On top of that, you begin to feel unworthy of receiving more information.
7. Hoovering
This term describes a tactic that the narcissists use to manipulate you back into their life or interaction after a breakup, period of distance or when you emotionally pull away.
They might send frequent texts, emails, or even little gifts to suck you back into their life. They might make fake promises to change, saying things like they can not live without you because you are the love of their life. At the same time, they play on your emotions or insecurities to elicit feelings of guilt and obligation.
They may pretend to be a different person, create fake social media accounts and use fake identities to contact you. My client Eve, married for 14 years, shared with me that anytime she pulled away emotionally, her husband began to hoover her back by suddenly showing up as loving and caring man. She felt like the person she fell in love with was finally back. She said: "I was sick, my husband was usually oblivious to how I felt and what I needed, especially when I got sick, but suddenly, he appeared so caring and asked me if I wanted tea?!" At that moment, she thought she must be wrong about him and was willing to give him another chance.
Unfortunately, this caring phase had a very short expiration date.
8. Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a tactic in which the narcissist denies or distorts reality to make you doubt your perception of certain situations. This can include denying that they said or did something hurtful, blaming you for misunderstandings or problems in the relationship, or even telling you that you are crazy for thinking or feeling a certain way.
"I never said that." "I would never do that." Sounds familiar?
Anytime you hear "I would never," pay close attention!
This is a huge red flag and has nothing to do with the temporary loss of your memory or distorted reality. The impact of gaslighting can be devastating. It can leave you feeling confused, invalidated, and questioning your memory and interpretation of situations. It can lead to a complete loss of trust, as you may feel like you can't believe anything your partner says while still doubting yourself: "Can this be the truth?" Over time, gaslighting gradually destroys your self-esteem, dims your light, sucks the life out of you, and strips you of your confidence and sense of reality. You begin to doubt your self-worth and may feel like you are constantly second-guessing yourself. This leads to feelings of anxiety, depression, and even trauma. Not everyone who displays the above-described behaviors is a covert narcissist. However, it can be a red flag for covert narcissism if it is a pattern of behavior accompanied by other narcissistic traits. Who is likely to be susceptible to narcissistic exploitation? Are you a highly empathetic and compassionate person? You might be the perfect match for covert narcissists, as you are more likely to overlook the red flags at the beginning of the relationship and prioritize your partner's needs over your own. People with low self-esteem are drawn to covert narcissists, as they may see the narcissist's confidence and charm as desirable qualities. However, this makes them more susceptible to manipulation and emotional abuse. People pleasers with a strong need for approval or people who prioritize other people's opinions over their own may be more susceptible to covert narcissists, as they are more likely to go along with their partner's wants and needs, even if it is not in their own best interest. Covert narcissists can be incredibly damaging to their partners. Their manipulation tactics, lack of empathy, and sense of entitlement can significantly impact their partners' emotional and psychological well-being. If you suspect that you or someone you know is in a relationship with a covert narcissist, it's essential to seek support from a qualified therapist or a relationship coach who can help you recognize and heal from emotional abuse. I also recommend reading an eye-opening book by Debbie Mirza, The Covert Passive-Agressive Narcissist.
If you are unsure whether you are in an emotionally abusive relationship, this book will give you the answer.
Debbie in her book says: “Covert narcissists control and devalue their partners through very subtle manipulative tactics over a long period of time. The impact this has on you is devastating. With each year that you are with the covert narcissist, you find yourself feeling less energy, less excitement for life, less confidence, and less joy. You feel like you are just existing but not fully alive. You feel yourself slowly declining but aren’t sure why. The life in you has been drained.
It is like the story of a frog. Put a frog in a boiling water, and it will die a quick and painful death. If you put the frog in a lurk, warm water and slowly turn up the heat over a long period of time, the frog will eventually die without noticing what is happening. This is what it is like to live with a covert narcissist.
Jana Morton, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Jana Morton is a conscious relationship / conscious uncoupling coach, trained and mentored by the relationship expert Katherine Woodward Thomas, M.A., MFT and holds a Brain-based professional coach certification.
She collaborates with Hakkini ‒ a virtual well-being platform that caters to individual mental and emotional needs in the Middle East and beyond and L.E.A. Growing people ‒ HR consulting, training, mentoring, and coaching organization.
Jana is an empath with deep listening skills, strong intuition, and a genuine interest in people’s love stories and relationship struggles. She is passionate about helping her clients overcome their challenges and limiting beliefs so they can transform their relationships and live and love with more ease and joy.
Jana was struggling with unhealthy dynamics inside her own marriage. That is how she found Katherine Woodward Thomas’s methodology, which completely changed her life. She was able to liberate herself from a victimized perspective and transform into a self-actualized and self-responsible woman and partner. She now helps others to understand the mostly unconsciously created toxic dynamics in their relationships and guides them towards ones that are happy, healthy, and thriving.
