The Calm Illusion – How to Stay Zen in a Dysregulated World
- Brainz Magazine
- Dec 4
- 6 min read
Jenny Gaynor, author and founder of Calm Education, teaches SEL tools to help kids, families, and teachers build confidence, connection, and calm.
You scroll your feed and feel your chest tighten with the day’s headlines. Another crisis, another opinion war. You walk into work already overstimulated, and someone tells you to “calm down.” But this feels unimaginable and overwhelming.
Lately, calm feels like something we have to chase, and the harder we chase it, the farther it runs. We’re living in a time when the world itself feels dysregulated. We have buzzing phones, relentless opinions, and the pressure to keep performing while staying “Zen.” Staying calm in the chaos has become the ultimate status symbol, but for most of us, it feels nearly impossible to achieve.
What if calm isn’t about controlling our emotions, but about staying connected to ourselves within it? This is the heart of emotional regulation – a skill that doesn’t silence feelings but helps us listen to what they’re trying to tell us.
A culture that keeps us on edge
We live in a world that constantly asks for our attention. Our phones ping us before we even open our eyes in the morning. The news cycle forever spins. Productivity is praised more than presence. Somewhere along the way, people started wearing “busy” like a badge of worth. As a result, our nervous systems never get a chance to stand down.
Every notification, headline, and small urgency cues the body’s stress response. Even when the danger isn’t physical, our brains – more specifically, the amygdala – can’t tell the difference between a real threat and a perceived one. So, our amygdala springs into action, ready to protect us even when we don’t need protecting. The result is a collective low-grade hum of anxiety running beneath everything we do.
Social media and news outlets add another layer of pressure. We’re not only managing our own emotions, we’re absorbing everyone else’s. We are feeling a collective sense of outrage, grief, and highlight reels of perfection. This constant emotional contagion keeps us on high alert, always scanning, comparing, and reacting.
At work, calm is often mistaken for compliance. Many of us are expected to regulate our emotions without space or support and to appear steady even when we’re burning out inside. At home, we hold space for others while ignoring our own capacity. The message is clear: stay functional, and you will be fine.
But our biology and our brains don’t play by cultural norms. The nervous system needs rhythm through stimulation and rest, engagement and recovery. Without the exhale, we stay braced for impact, living as if the next demand might break us.
No wonder calm feels impossible! It isn’t that we’re failing to manage our stress. It’s that we’re trying to do it inside a world designed to keep us on edge.
What’s really going on inside our bodies
In this constant state of stress and anxiety, some pretty amazing things happen inside our bodies that don’t always feel that amazing. During times of perceived danger, the amygdala in our brains sounds the alarm to the rest of your body. It triggers the body’s fight, flight, or freeze response, releasing hormones like adrenaline and cortisol. Your heart might race, your muscles may tense, and your mind focuses on the threat. The tricky part is that modern stressors, like emails, traffic, or family tension, can set off the same response, even though there’s no real danger. Over time, this has a big and unhealthy effect on the body. Learning to regulate means helping the amygdala and the rest of the nervous system when we’re safe and can relax.
For a clear, science-backed explanation of emotional self-regulation and why it matters, see this article from Medical News Today.
Calm in micro-moments and 5 steps to create them daily
You don’t need an hour of meditation, a quiet retreat, or a spa day to regulate your nervous system. Although these options sound wonderful, calm often comes from tiny, intentional moments throughout your day. These 5 micro-moment steps will give your body a chance to notice safety and reset, even when life feels chaotic:
Name it to tame it: When you’re feeling something big, pause and silently label what you’re feeling. Simply noticing your emotion helps the amygdala calm down.
Anchor your senses: Touch something textured, notice a sound, focus on your breath or your feet. Using one sense at a time grounds you in the present moment.
Move to reset: Shake your hands, roll your shoulders, go for a quick walk, or even stretch. Small movements tell your body it is safe to release tension.
Co-regulate: Breathe near a calm person, pet, or even plant. Calm is contagious. Sharing it can build and strengthen relationships.
Intentionally step back: Take a few moments away from screens, noise, and chaos. Micro-breaks remind your nervous system that it can rest.
These small moments add up. Each pause, breath, or body check-in is like giving your nervous system a little reset. It’s a reminder that calm isn’t a destination, it’s a series of choices you can make in the flow of everyday life.
Calm in the real world
Calm isn’t always about stillness, silence, or perfectly measured breathing. In everyday life, it shows up in small, intentional choices that help you respond rather than react. It’s pausing before answering an email that makes your chest tighten. It’s taking a breath instead of snapping at a loved one. It may be noticing your tension in a meeting and letting it soften.
At home, calm might mean listening fully to a child’s meltdown without judgment, even when you’re tired. At work, it can look like holding space for a stressful conversation without letting your stress dictate your tone. Even in traffic, calm can be as simple as releasing a tight grip on the wheel and noticing your breath.
Calm is also about modeling regulation for others. When you respond with awareness instead of reacting impulsively, you teach your children, co-workers, and friends that emotions are manageable and not dangerous.
Ultimately, calm isn’t a perfect state. It’s a practice woven into your everyday life. Each choice to pause, breathe, or reset sends a signal to your nervous system that says, “I am safe. I can respond. I can move forward.” That’s what real-world calm looks like. It is subtle, steady, and profoundly impactful.
Start where you are
Calm isn’t something you find by waiting for the perfect moment. It’s something you build, moment by moment, choice by choice. Some days will be easier than others, and that’s OK. Each pause, breath, or small reset sends a signal to your brain that it is safe to let go, even briefly.
Remember, emotional regulation is about practice, not perfection. It’s about staying connected to yourself and your values, even when the world around you is chaotic. By practicing awareness in micro-moments, responding instead of reacting, and modeling calm for those around you, you begin to reclaim your nervous system and your life, one moment at a time.
If you’re ready to practice calm in real time, guided moments could be helpful. On my YouTube channel, you’ll find free, short visualizations, meditations, and breathwork designed to help you reset, breathe, and reconnect, whether at home, at work, or anywhere life feels overwhelming. Any way you choose to do it, be sure to take one moment for yourself today and let your nervous system know it’s safe to reset.
Start small. Notice your body. Breathe. Label your emotions. Step back when you need to. Each action, no matter how tiny, is a victory. Calm isn’t a destination. It’s the practice of returning to yourself over and over again.
Read more from Jenny Gaynor
Jenny Gaynor, Social Emotional Learning Coach and Founder
Jenny Gaynor is the author and founder of Calm Education. She teaches children, families, and teachers essential SEL (Social Emotional Learning) skills. Her mission is to help others build confidence, resilience, and healthy connections. Jenny is a former educator with over 20 years of classroom experience. She holds certifications in both elementary and special education. Jenny also has training in yoga, meditation, and SEL facilitation. She lives in Barrington, Rhode Island with her family and therapy cat, Tiller.
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