Success Shouldn’t Cost You Your Sanity and the Hidden Price Women Still Pay at Work
- 1 day ago
- 7 min read
Gillian is the Managing Director of Emerge Development Consultancy, which she founded 28 years ago. She is a Master Executive Coach working with many CEOs and Managing Directors globally. She is also an international speaker and, in 2020, was named by f: Entrepreneur as one of the leading UK Female Entrepreneurs in the I also campaign. In 2023, she was named the Leader of the Year by the Women’s Business Club. In 2024, she was named Businesswoman of the Decade.
As we reflect on the progress made for women at work, it’s clear that significant strides have been made in recent years. There are more women in leadership roles today than a decade ago, flexible working arrangements have become the norm, and conversations about bias are more open and frequent. Organizations are increasingly vocal in their support of gender equality and continue to celebrate women’s contributions, not just on International Women’s Day but throughout the year.
Additionally, recent legislative measures, such as the Worker Protection Amendment Act, have strengthened protections against harassment, further advancing workplace equity.
Yet, in coaching sessions, leadership programmes, and quiet conversations after workshops, I continue to hear a recurring theme, “I love what I do, but I’m tired in a way that doesn’t feel normal.”
These women aren’t in crisis. They’re not collapsing from burnout. Instead, they are experiencing a slow depletion, a low-level, constant cost of succeeding in an environment that still demands more of them than it should. And they hesitate to say anything, worried they’ll be judged as less resilient than their male counterparts.
This is the hidden cost.
The hidden cost no one mentions
When we talk about workload, we usually refer to tasks, deadlines, and deliverables. But alongside this sits a second layer of work: invisible, emotional, and disproportionately carried by women.
It looks like this:
Reading the room before speaking.
Rewriting an email three times to avoid sounding “bossy.”
Managing conflict carefully so no one labels you “emotional.”
Remembering birthdays, mentoring new colleagues, smoothing tensions.
Being perpetually likeable while remaining competent.
These behaviours are often praised:
The woman who over-prepares is seen as diligent.
The leader who smooths conflict is valued for team cohesion.
The manager who absorbs tension is seen as a safe pair of hands.
But when these behaviours stop being choices and become expectations, they stop being strengths and become drains. The cost shows up not in dashboards or KPIs, but in energy levels, disrupted sleep, constant preparation, and the persistent question, “How long can I keep operating like this?”
Real experiences, with real consequences
Here are some recent examples from my coaching sessions (shared with permission, but names have been changed).
Jenny
Recently promoted to director, Jenny is widely respected. Yet before every ExCo meeting, she prepares excessively. She knows her material inside out but still spends hours anticipating every challenge, often losing sleep in the process.
She told me, “I know the others don’t prepare this much. But I’m scared of being caught out.”
The hidden cost: time absorbed by unnecessary preparation, heightened anxiety, reduced strategic thinking space, and exhaustion masked as commitment.
Balvinder
A Senior Sales Leader, Balvinder finds herself mediating every conflict, even those outside her remit. The organisation is going through massive change, and her team offloads frustrations onto her because she listens deeply but absorbs everything. At home, she’s exhausted and wired, with no emotional capacity left.
The hidden cost: blurred boundaries, emotional depletion, poor sleep, withdrawal from social life, and strain on personal relationships.
Christina
As HR Director, Christina is one of few senior women in a male-dominated sector. She feels personally responsible for driving inclusion. She challenges language, sponsors initiatives, and calls out behaviour, often alone, and her suggestions are frequently met with eye-rolling or performative agreement.
The hidden cost: fatigue from constant advocacy, political navigation, and the weight of caring more than the system currently does.
And this is all before we even acknowledge the additional load many women carry outside of work, the uniquely female-specific pressures that run quietly in the background. Interrupted sleep from children who still need them in the night, being the default organiser of family life even when partners are supportive, the invisible project management of a household that only functions because she remembers, prompts, delegates, and oversees. Add to this the emotional weight of caring for ageing parents, the hormonal shifts that affect energy, mood, and cognition, and the reality of perimenopause or menopause that women often push through silently. These aren’t side notes; they’re part of the daily landscape, layers of responsibility that compound the hidden cost at work and make “just coping” feel like an achievement in itself.
The above are not isolated examples. Many high-performing women silently carry additional labour that organisations rely on but rarely acknowledge. It isn’t weakness; it’s a confidence gap. This is competence layered with caution, and caution is exhausting.
This is not about confidence
Workplaces still reward behaviours traditionally coded as masculine, assertiveness, visibility, ambition without consequence, while simultaneously expecting women to be collaborative, warm, emotionally intelligent, and supportive. Navigating both sets of expectations leads to over-functioning, not because women lack belief in their ability, but because they are working within a system that has not yet fully evolved.
Add to that the internal dimension that many women have been socialised to be helpful, to avoid taking up space, to smooth edges, and the hidden cost becomes almost inevitable.
What needs to change
Sustainable success is not about doing less; it is about carrying only what is yours to carry. It means contributing fully without overcompensating, being prepared without wearing emotional armour, supporting others without self-sacrifice, and being ambitious without apology.
But it also requires workplaces where emotional labour is recognised, shared, and valued, not silently absorbed by a few.
Below are three practical shifts that change the game for women and organisations.
Three shifts to reduce the hidden cost
1. Make the invisible visible
Start noticing who is doing the emotional and relational labour:
Who mentors informally?
Who mediates tension?
Who remembers the human details that keep teams connected?
Who absorbs frustration that isn’t theirs?
If it’s always the same people, this isn’t coincidence. For organisations, acknowledging this labour allows it to be valued, distributed, and recognised fairly. For individuals, awareness helps challenge and reset expectations.
2. Replace over-functioning with clear boundaries
Women often say yes automatically because “no” has historically carried penalties. A more effective response is: “What would need to shift for me to take this on well?”
This simple question reframes the expectation from silent compliance to shared prioritisation. When leaders at all levels model boundaries, saying “I’m at capacity” without apology, it normalises them for everyone. Boundaries are not selfish; they are essential to performance and wellbeing.
3. Redefine what support actually means
Being supportive does not mean self-sacrifice. It is possible to:
Be collaborative without carrying everyone’s emotional load.
Be empathetic without absorbing tension.
Mentor without being permanently available.
This is the shift from unconscious giving to strategic giving. Ask regularly: “Where does my energy create impact, and where am I maintaining comfort for others at my own expense?” This one question can transform energy, effectiveness, and sustainability.
A more honest conversation for today
International Women’s Day often focuses on celebrating resilience and achievement. These are worthy, but they sometimes mask a more uncomfortable truth, "Why does success still require so much invisible effort from women?"
If we want genuine equity, we must move beyond celebration to redesign. This is not about fixing women or stretching them further; it’s about evolving workplaces so success is energising, not depleting. It is about creating a culture where performance and wellbeing are aligned, not in conflict, and where emotional labour is shared and valued. And most importantly, it is where high-performing women aren’t paying a quiet, invisible price for their success.
A call to action for everyone
What women can do:
Notice where you are over-functioning.
Set boundaries that protect your performance, not just your time.
Ask for shared prioritisation instead of silently taking on more.
Choose strategic, not automatic, empathy.
Acknowledge your hidden labour, and stop minimising its impact.
What men can do:
Actively share relational and emotional labour.
Call out bias and microaggressions, don’t leave women to carry that weight.
Notice who picks up the “office housework” (let’s not even mention the home! Although wouldn’t it be great if we didn’t need to delegate!).
Make space in meetings without women having to fight for it.
Challenge assumptions about tone, likeability, and emotional expression.
What leaders and organisations can do:
Recognise invisible labour as real and impactful.
Build cultures where boundaries are supported, not judged.
Reward emotional intelligence and relational work, not just delivery.
Reduce unspoken rules and expectations that demand over-functioning from women.
Success should build energy, not drain it
Today, the most powerful conversation we can have is this:
How do we create workplaces where women can succeed without paying a hidden cost, and where everyone shares responsibility for building cultures that enable sustainable, energising success?
Because success shouldn’t demand depletion, it should feel expansive, and it should be accessible without sacrifice to everyone.
During this year, we will be delivering webinars to several companies on “How Women Can Succeed Without Paying the Hidden Cost.” Let’s hope this starts to make the shift.
Read more from Gillian Jones-Williams
Gillian Jones-Williams, Emerge Development Consultancy
Gillian is the Managing Director of Emerge Development Consultancy, which she founded 25 years ago. She is a Master Executive Coach working with many CEOs and Managing Directors globally. She is also an international speaker and in 2020 was named by f: Entrepreneur as one of the leading UK Female Entrepreneurs in the I also campaign. In 2024, she was awarded Businesswoman of the Decade by the Women’s Business Club.
Gillian founded the RISE Women’s Development Programme, which is delivered both in the UK and the Middle East, and in Saudi Arabia, and is her absolute passion.
If you want to know more about our Conduct Reflection Sessions or Diversity and Inclusion solutions, please get in touch. We are working with many organisations on their Diversity and Inclusion interventions, strategies, policies, and programmes. For more information, contact us on 01329 820580 or via info@emergeuk.com.
