Written by: Merrill Isherwood, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
There are many positive people around us, and we are hugely grateful for them, most of the time.
In coaching circles we are hearing the terminology, ‘toxic positivity’, more and more frequently. If you have not heard of it, it means there is such a focus on being positive all the time that many people feel they have to pretend to be fine and pretend to be hopeful for themselves and for the future, however, in reality, they are not.
People who are not seen to be positive and upbeat about everything life all the time, are seen to be negative. Is this an accurate perception?
There is a huge difference between being negative and realistic, and I will stand by this always, even more so due to my recent exposure to so many peoples’ realities in the past 2 years, including my own. Let me elaborate.
When is positivity damaging?
There is a very fine line between positivity and believing things that are extremely likely never to happen to you. Yes, miracles happen daily and people from extremely poor and tragic circumstances are able to overcome the numerous obstacles they face along their life’s path, but how often do these situations really happen?
For that one person in a million who believed they had a way out of their dire circumstances, and managed to forge a better life for themselves, that is incredible! None of us would ever begrudge that person their due credit for having overcome the odds and being in a more stable life.
What, however, of the others who didn’t?
In many situations, they may manage to create a life where they live simply and are content in their way of living because that is how the majority of their fellow countrymen and women live.
Life Coaching
A few years ago, life coaching as I knew it was something tangible, a process using specific sequences of activities to understand what lay within our subconscious mind that could be addressed, healing achieved, and visions, followed by a clear action path of what would be needed by the participant to create a better life for themselves.
This would enable people to transform their lives, enriching them in their journey of discovery to a better and more fulfilling life.
During the pandemic, the marketplace and internet, including social media platforms, became proliferated with life coaches.
The majority of these coaches were making fantastic claims to be able to change peoples’ lives from zero to six-figure incomes within a few weeks or even days. The focus seemed to be entirely on making money and very little to do with helping people see their lives realistically through understanding what would be needed to change their life path.
Being financially secure might create a better life, but it is not the answer to many of life’s challenges.
As a coaching student and as a newly accredited coach I attended every coaching webinar or ‘workshop’ I could find so I could increase my knowledge of the industry. I expected these to improve my coaching abilities and show me how to become a highly sought-after coach where I could help people find their true destiny.
My focus was entirely, altruistic, wanting to find out how I could maximise the positive impact I could make on other peoples’ lives as quickly as possible. I wanted to learn from the experts.
Eyes opened
There were some sessions that added real value, however, they were few and far between. Gracious thanks were extended to those coaches for their authenticity and for staying true to the calling of being a life coach.
The majority, however, were sales-driven pitches for forty-five (or longer) minutes of a sixty-minute session for the coach’s automated products or encouraging the attendees to create their own automated products for sale.
By no means is it wrong to pitch your business and the products and/or services you offer, but regular webinar attendees would immediately drop off the call once the sales pitch started, leaving the number of participants drastically reduced.
Initially, I thought it was the ‘freebie’ lovers, but soon realised they were leaving due to the same reason I was – they were attending to gain real insight into how this coach could help them, only to once again be faced with the same format of presenters explaining how great they are and how successful their business is, going from zero revenue to being a multimillionaire in a few weeks’ time, followed by the presentation of their sales product.
This would obviously be attractive to anyone needing extra money and wanting the lavish lifestyle portrayed by so many of the presenters.
Attracting wannabees
The coaches all look extremely glamorous and sophisticated, elegantly coiffed, and professionally made-up, the gentlemen looking handsome and expensively attired, as if they have all just stepped off a Vogue or GQ fashion shoot…making them hugely attractive to the wannabees who wear thrift or off-the-rack clothing, have unmanicured nails and who battle with their own hairstyling tools.
Little do the latter realise they represent the majority of the world and there is absolutely nothing wrong with them.
Naturally, most young hopefuls, or older people facing retirement out there, wanting a better life, will be so easily drawn in to these promises. Both groups face uncertain futures, financially, physically, and emotionally. They are looking to others for direction, assistance, and support, hence their interest in looking to life coaches to help them in their search for discovering their better tomorrow.
Instead of being helped personally by a coach they buy into the products in the hope of that being their lifeline, often not working out, not necessarily due to them not putting in the work, but due to so many external factors like not having a network, not having connectivity, no support structures and more.
The reality
My coaching journey has been interesting, but exposes the reality of the above.
I live in South Africa where over 40% of the eligible working population is unemployed, where many households are led by teenagers, rape and exploitation of youngsters is rampant, teenage pregnancies abound, and dire poverty is rife.
I was approached for coaching by several youngsters falling within the population mentioned above. They had seen how in the media life coaches can make them rich quickly and seeking to improve their and their families circumstances they were reaching out to me.
These youngsters find themselves in desperate circumstances where they are trying to get bursaries to study because they have no funds. They are trying to raise their own children, often born out of rape or incestuous relationships, or are raising siblings who have no other caregiver. They are fighting daily to try and stay alive. For them, having access to data on their mobile phones, guaranteed food on their table once a day, running water or a nearby ablution facility are luxuries they can ill afford or simply do not have.
It is truly difficult to coach them. As an authentic life coach, there is no place for talking to them about focusing on changing their lives in the near future. Although miracles do happen, they are not daily occurrences in most of our lives. They look to me for miracles which I cannot give them.
There is, however, much work we can do with clients such as these, helping them see their backgrounds and life circumstances do not define them. If they have the determination and resilience to change them, they can.
They are looking to others to bring instant change to their lives. We must ensure they know they are the ones who are instrumental in bringing the changes about and must realise there is no quick-fix. Escaping their current surroundings, circles of influence, and mindset, accepting it will not be an easy road and there will still be obstacles along their path, is their reality.
Staying grounded
Tread warily - be careful of false promises. Life Coaching is a wonderful process of self-discovery, enabling the client to unearth inner potential they did not know existed. It can heal, strengthen, encourage, instill, and create great joy and fulfilment in peoples’ lives, allowing them to shine in a way they never imagined, and to light the path of so many others through the process.
So too, can it cause feelings of dissatisfaction, despair, unworthiness, incompetence, and hopelessness in those who see themselves as failures. Much of this is due to others misleading them into believing unrealistic dreams and promises that will never come to fruition.
Being able to stay realistic whilst being optimistic is a key factor in determining whether any of the idealistic versions portrayed by some via the media are not realistic by any means, no matter how much we all may wish they were.
Merrill Isherwood, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Merrill Isherwood is a life transformation coach who has spent much of her life being of service to others in the corporate world and her personal life. She has an exemplary work ethic and is driven by living a life of integrity, having honesty, kindness, trust, and respect as her core values. Her psychological counseling degree, supported by her accreditation in life coaching, allows her to ensure her clients are suitably supported in transforming their lives. She specializes in body image, lack of self-esteem, overcoming abusive or toxic relationships, finding life direction, forgiveness, and overcoming adversity. To her, a life well lived means making a difference in each person's life that you are fortunate enough to touch, even if only in the smallest way possible.
