Simple Steps to End People-Pleasing Habits
- Brainz Magazine
- Apr 16
- 5 min read
Rita Haley, LMHC, is a leading behavioral health provider and emotional wellness coach specializing in CPTSD and mind-body medicine. She is the founder of Ground & Center, LLC, an online mental health and wellness program, and has guest-starred on platforms such as the Money Loves Women podcast.
Do you ever find yourself saying “yes” when every part of you is quietly whispering “no”? Maybe you’re running on fumes, but agree to help anyway. Maybe you avoid expressing a need because you're afraid of upsetting someone. If this sounds familiar, you’re in good company.
Many thoughtful, emotionally aware people, especially those who’ve learned to keep the peace at all costs, find themselves caught in people-pleasing patterns. It often starts with good intentions: wanting to be kind, dependable, loving. But over time, these habits come with a cost. And that cost is usually you.
In this article, we will explore where people-pleasing really comes from, what it’s doing to your well-being behind the scenes, and most importantly, how to start setting boundaries without drowning in guilt.
What people-pleasing really is (and isn’t)
People-pleasing isn’t just about being “nice.” It often begins as a survival strategy, especially for those of us shaped by trauma, emotional neglect, or environments where it wasn’t safe to have needs.
Over time, this strategy becomes a pattern: keep others happy, stay agreeable, avoid conflict, and you’ll be safe. (This is known as the “Fawn” response, one of the four trauma responses alongside Fight, Flight, and Freeze, where safety is sought through people-pleasing.) But while it may have protected you once, it’s not sustainable in adult relationships. And it disconnects you from your own truth.
You might be caught in people-pleasing if
You say yes when your body is saying no.
You struggle to speak up, even when something feels off.
You feel overly responsible for how others feel.
You chronically deprioritize your own rest, desires, or boundaries.
This is more than a bad habit. It’s a slow self-abandonment.
The hidden costs of always saying yes
On the outside, people-pleasing can look like generosity or reliability. But inside, it’s often accompanied by anxiety, resentment, or exhaustion.
This is what people-pleasing might cost you:
1. Emotional burnout
When you override your own needs for others repeatedly, it drains your emotional reserves. Eventually, even small requests can feel overwhelming. You’re not broken; you’re just burned out.
2. Disconnection from self
People-pleasing blurs the line between who you are and who others expect you to be. Over time, you might wonder, “What do I actually want? Who am I outside of what others need from me?
3. Imbalanced relationships
Ironically, saying yes all the time doesn’t create a deeper connection; it often creates resentment (on your end) and entitlement (on theirs). Real intimacy needs honesty, not constant accommodation.
4. Physical stress responses
The stress of overgiving can show up in your body as tension, headaches, fatigue, or even anxiety. Your body keeps the score of every "yes" you regret.
The cost of people-pleasing is high, but the good news is that change is possible.
Why guilt shows up when you start setting boundaries
One of the first things that comes up when we start practicing boundaries? Guilt. And it makes sense. Guilt is often just the nervous system’s reaction to doing something new, not a moral failure.
You may have internalized beliefs like:
“Good people always help.”
“Saying no means I’m selfish.”
“If someone’s upset, it must be my fault.”
But guilt doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong; it usually just means you’re doing something different. Let’s reframe guilt as a signal that you’re unlearning a pattern, not a stop sign.
Normalize discomfort
Boundary setting can feel unfamiliar and uncomfortable, especially at first. Give yourself grace and permission to practice without perfection.
How to start setting boundaries
Setting boundaries isn’t about building walls. Instead, it’s about creating clarity. It’s how you protect your energy so you can show up fully, sustainably, and with intention.
1. Anchor in values
Ask yourself:
What do I value most in this situation? (e.g., respect, rest, authenticity)
What boundary would support that value?
When your boundaries are rooted in your values, they feel less like rejection and more like self-respect.
2. Use grounded, assertive language
It’s okay to start small. Try these gentle but firm scripts:
When you’re afraid they’ll be disappointed: “I’m grateful you thought of me. I’m not able to commit to that right now, but I hope it goes well.”
When you’re stretching yourself too thin: “I’ve been noticing how much I’m taking on lately, and I’m choosing to step back to make room for rest.”
When saying no to an invitation:“ Thanks for inviting me. I’m going to pass this time to take care of myself, but I hope you have a wonderful time.”
These aren’t excuses; they’re clear, kind statements of your limits.
3. Start small, practice often
You don’t need to change everything overnight. Begin with low-stakes boundaries: asking for space, taking longer to reply, or opting out of something non-essential.
4. Hold the line
Once you set a boundary, stand by it. You don’t need to over-explain. Repetition is enough: “I’m still not available for that, but I appreciate you understanding.”
The empowered path forward
You can be kind and still have boundaries. Setting limits doesn't make you selfish; it makes you empowered. When you honor your limits, you reclaim your energy, time, and emotional space.
The more you practice, the more you’ll notice:
Clarity about your own needs and limits
More honest, respectful connections
Greater energy for what actually matters to you
You don’t have to be perfect. You just have to start.
Take the next step toward healing
This week, take a moment to notice: where are you saying “yes” out of obligation rather than alignment? What would it feel like to choose yourself instead?
If you’re ready to go deeper, I invite you to join one of my virtual workshops designed specifically for thoughtful women navigating people-pleasing, boundaries, and relational healing. You’ll leave with practical tools, a warm community, and renewed clarity. Click here to learn more and sign up.
Your boundaries aren’t selfish; they’re sacred. And they’re the soil where your real self can finally take root.
Read more from Rita Haley
Rita Haley, Licensed Psychotherapist and Wellness Coach
Rita Haley has, over the course of her career, endeavored to help hundreds of adolescents and adults overcome traumatic losses and experiences. After confronting and conquering her own trauma, Rita decided to transform her memories of pain into power and walk with her clients down the long, winding road to recovery. She approaches every case with immense empathy, compassion and care. Because of the current shortage and ever-increasing need of mental health services, she founded Ground & Center, LLC, an online means of accessing therapeutic interventions with a licensed professional. It is her belief that ALL persons are deserving of compassionate and quality mental health services and she is committed to providing a means to access it.
