Shame Is A Powerful Tool – Here’s How To Render It Powerless
- Sep 5, 2024
- 4 min read
Written by Megan Winkler, Business Coach for Creatives
Megan Winkler, MBA, is a business coach for creatives, merging Divine Masculine business strategies with Divine Feminine intuition and flow. She's the author of the upcoming book, Breaking Up With Burnout.
“She’s just shameless!” You’ve heard something like this before, either directed at another person or on the receiving end of the comment. Maybe you’ve even caught yourself saying it. What does that really mean, though? Why are people shamed for being shameless? (The question’s irony is not lost on me.)
The answer involves the universal emotion of shame, society’s drive to shame those who don’t fit in, and our lessons from childhood and beyond the little scripts that run in our minds every time we step outside the norm. However, as soon as we start talking about and to shame, we rob it of its power.
Shame is a tool
Shame is a tool of the oppressors in our lives, whether that oppressor is a fierce capitalist institution or it’s the stories our parents told us growing up about how we should act and who we should be.
The renowned expert on shame, Brené Brown, says that she doesn’t believe that the emotion of shame is productive or helpful. I’d challenge that shame IS productive for those who want to keep others in line. Whether you’ve experienced a restrictive childhood or you’ve been shamed for being different, the people controlling you with shame benefit from your assimilation into the system. As if it couldn’t get more insidious, the shame that keeps us within the binary of right and wrong is usually dictated by made-up rules of etiquette.
Shame begins outside of us. Pressure from peers, parents, and teachers keeps us from exploring who we really are. Yet, we internalize shame so easily because we’re neurologically programmed to want to fit in. On a biological level, we need to be wanted and accepted. So, we become embarrassed by our quirks and uniqueness because they carry the threat of abandonment with them.
Shame keeps us small
Quite simply, shame forces us to hide who we authentically are. It convinces us that we’re less than and unworthy of acceptance, love, or compassion. This happens to children and adults alike. We’re conditioned to stay in our lane, pick a side, and stick to what we know.
As we age, we can shake this shame off to an extent. We become more confident in who we are as individuals, yet after age 50, we’re more likely to feel ashamed when we mess up again. We become teens all over again, feeling out of our element and, therefore, ashamed.
We all experience shame, yet no one really talks about it. Embarrassment festers in silence, and shame thrives in the shadows. In turn, we work harder, push harder, perform more, and drive ourselves to burnout, whether on a spiritual, emotional, or physical level.
Shame’s message for us
If you can imagine your inner landscape made of various parts: a part that loves going to the movies, a part that loves creating spreadsheets, a part that gets riled up over politics, a part that feels ashamed about something, and so on what would the part of you that’s feeling ashamed want you to know?
Have you ever asked it? You might be surprised at what it has to say. The next time you feel yourself retreating into shame, ask that part of you what it wants you to know.
What if you listened to shame instead of bending to it?
What does it have to say to you?
What information is there in shame?
What part of you feels so vulnerable that you’re ashamed?
When we can pull that shame out and look at it, ask it these questions, and decide how to proceed once we have the answers, we gain power over this harmful emotion.
The most important question to ask
Beyond the questions above, the most important question to ask about shame is: “Who benefits if I feel shame?”
It’s certainly not you. But it may be your employer, parents, spouse, kids, or the marketing machine that surrounds us all, churning out FOMO like its breath to the engine.
Your highest self will never shame you. Shame comes from the outside, and then we internalize it. We aren’t born with shame. It’s taught to us. Allow your highest self to talk to the shame you’re experiencing. Your highest self is compassionate, kind, and safe. As we talk about shame, it begins to disperse, and we can feel free again.
Read more from Megan Winkler
Megan Winkler, Business Coach for Creatives
Megan Winkler, MBA, believes in doing business differently. With an MBA and 15+ years of business ownership experience plus extensive training in energy healing modalities, Megan helps her clients create business plans, marketing sprints, and sales strategies that honor their strengths, natural talents, and unique value offerings to create thriving businesses that help change the world for the better.
