Written by: Merrill Isherwood, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
We are often exposed to people telling us to set boundaries – many coaching articles or articles on gender-based violence talk about setting boundaries. It’s great that the awareness is being created but do we actually know what that means, and more importantly, do we know how to set boundaries?
What are the steps we need to take to set boundaries? How do we know in which areas of our lives we need to set boundaries? What does the word boundaries actually mean?
Here are some steps that will be helpful to you. I’m a step one, step two kind of person and have realized how this thinking helps others organize their lives.
So, what are boundaries?
In psychological terms, according to the American Psychological Association, a boundary is defined as a psychological demarcation that protects the integrity of an individual or group or that helps the person or group set realistic limits on participation in a relationship or activity.
According to Wikipedia, personal boundaries are guidelines, rules, or limits that a person creates to identify reasonable, safe, and permissible ways for other people to behave towards them and how they will respond when someone passes those limits.
It is generally accepted there are three main areas where boundaries are set. The most commonly mentioned categories are:
Physical – Personal space and touch considerations, including physical intimacy
Mental – Thoughts and opinions
Emotional – Feelings and emotional intimacy
In my opinion, it goes beyond the former. I have added the following four:
Financial – Monetary, access to funds or assets
Time – Encroachment on and expectation of your time
Knowledge – Expectation of knowledge sharing, both in informal and formal environments, and frequently expected without compensation (or gratitude)
Kindness – Unfair expectations
Are boundaries a one-size-fits-all?
Boundaries are definitely not a ‘one-size-fits-all’ scenario. Every individual, depending on their current or past experiences, must determine the limits with which they personally feel comfortable. What feels right for one may not feel right for another. They may differ drastically.
Can someone else determine my boundaries?
People can provide guidance to you and, if willing, can share where their boundaries lie, with examples of how people attempt to overstep them. Still, ultimately only you can determine what you are comfortable with or not.
Can someone else tell me what my boundaries should be?
Absolutely not. This is why they are referred to as ‘personal boundaries’ as they are the boundaries set by each person and are theirs alone. They must ‘own them’ as by doing so, they are able to clearly know when those boundaries are being encroached upon. Only they can stop someone who is overstepping the lines. No one else has the right to determine what feels comfortable for you, no matter who they are or what their opinion may be on the subject. It is one of the powerful bases of coaching, the realization that it is my life, and I decide what I am happy doing and what I am happy with people doing with me or to me.
They have not experienced your life. They do not own your body or mind. The law determines from a legal aspect what is considered appropriate behavior; for example, assault, rape, breaking and entering, and murder, we know as a society as criminal conduct. Each person has the right to determine what their personal boundaries are, both in their private or work environments and why.
The individual also has the right not to have to declare to people why their boundaries are what they are, it of little or no consequence to others, and should be respected.
Primary factor underlying boundaries.
Respect is the basis for setting boundaries. If someone respects another, they will not encroach on them, use or abuse them. They will not cause them harm or discomfort. They will do their utmost to protect that person from anything that could cause them anxiety or fear.
Respect for all peoples and creatures on the earth is key. Especially in all relationships between people, whether it be an adult to adult, child to child (even small children), or adult to child (or Vice Versa) relationship, respect is the most critical factor. Respect for a person’s space, time, attention are all a form of allowing that individual to have boundaries upon which the other person does not intrude. It allows their privacy, their personal thoughts, and their ability to live their lives without intrusion by others.
Teaching our children and youngsters to set healthy boundaries at an early age will no doubt help to reduce toxic relationships where controlling narcissistic people feel they have a right to tell everyone else how to live their lives, including what they must think, wear, say, how they should behave and more.
In all areas listed above, from physical, financial, emotional, mental, time, knowledge/resources, and kindness, everyone has a right to decide how much they share with anyone else. No one else can demand it, except where written agreements in work relationships, cultural lifestyles, or marriage/relationship agreements between two or more parties.
Steps to setting boundaries
Find a notepad and pen and complete the activity below. Once completed, paste the document where you will see it regularly during each day. This constant visualization of your choices will cement the boundaries in your mind and lead to them being forever embedded in your brain that, should they be overstepped by someone, your brain will alert you to realize you need to take action to stop it.
In order to set clear boundaries, both in your mind and physically, when going through each of the below categories, consider the following questions:
How much of each of these am I willing to share with others?
Am I willing to do it for free, or do I expect something in return?
How will I feel if I do it for free? Will I feel as if I’m being taken advantage of, or will I give willingly and in abundance?
How will I feel if I charge for it? Will I feel fearful of what people may think / guilty/embarrassed / not worthy, or will I feel good/kind/worthy?
If you responded with the negative emotions in the last question, why do you think you would feel that way? Do you not feel able to be compensated for your gifts, skills, knowledge and more?
There may be instances where you want to help others for free but other areas where you would like or expect to be compensated – be clear about what the circumstances would be for each, and be sure you are happy and comfortable with your choices.
Display your answers boldly, in line of sight for your daily reminder. Should you unwittingly permit someone to cross one of your boundaries and you are not pleased with how it made you feel, tell the person as soon as possible and ensure it does not happen again. Be in control of who you let do what to you and what others are permitted to expect from you.
Physical
Mental
Emotional
Financial
Time
Knowledge
Kindness
Conclusion
The sooner we, as a society, acknowledge the foundation of mutual respect for one another, the sooner these issues of boundaries being crossed and abused will dissipate and lead to a healthier, more tolerant, and forgiving community and world.
I trust you have found solace in the words you have read, realizing it is good to spend time on your own, on yourself, by yourself if so desired, doing activities that bring peace and joy into your life.
It is important to realize that you are in control of your life. We cannot control everything that happens to us, but we can control what we allow others to expect from us or do to us and how we react and live with what has happened to us. By setting boundaries, we are protecting ourselves in every aspect of our physical and emotional lives.
Respect others, but first and foremost, respect yourself. Once you have determined what your needs are to live a good, calm, and well-balanced life, it is easier to set the boundaries so that others are not able to unsettle us and our life’s equilibrium.
I wish you love, peace, and a magical sense of wonder at how valuable you are in this mighty scheme of life.
Merrill
Merrill Isherwood, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Merrill Isherwood is a life transformation coach who has spent much of her life being of service to others in the corporate world and her personal life. She has an exemplary work ethic and is driven by living a life of integrity, having honesty, kindness, trust, and respect as her core values. Her psychological counseling degree, supported by her accreditation in life coaching, allows her to ensure her clients are suitably supported in transforming their lives. She specializes in body image, lack of self-esteem, overcoming abusive or toxic relationships, finding life direction, forgiveness, and overcoming adversity. To her, a life well lived means making a difference in each person's life that you are fortunate enough to touch, even if only in the smallest way possible.
