Written by: Candace Fox, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Like many of you, I have painful memories etched in my adult brain of unkind words said to me from childhood and beyond. While I could go through the Rolodex of harshest things people have said to me over the years – the award for nastiest, verbal toxic waste thrown my way goes to none other than yours truly, me.
For decades I had an insidious ‘live-in’ critic offering me unsolicited feedback on anything and everything I did, said or wore. What started as critical self-talk in my early adolescence had evolved into an abusive and crushing inner dialogue by my teens and 20s. Not only did my inner critic live rent-free in my head, but she was utterly relentless. She worked 365 days a year, 7 days a week, and 24 hours a day despite my hope she would one day disappear, go on a holiday, or at the very least – take a damn nap!
Dedicated to her role, my inner critic never wavered despite the enormous negative impact her words were having on my internal and external worlds. I was literally and figuratively withering away while she was wreaking havoc in my head. She was the silent killer to my spirit that no one heard but me.
The truth…
The job of our inner critic, despite what we might believe, is to keep us safe. This is often done by keeping us scared, silent, and small – if we do not speak up, show up, or own ourselves with confidence, then we won't expose ourselves, becoming vulnerable to harsh or hurtful feedback and opinions. That makes sense, right? Well…it actually does not.
The truth is, we can not control what others say and think or even how they feel about us. So, while we might be attempting to protect ourselves from outsiders, for many of us – the destruction we are experiencing is an inside job. The irony then becomes that we are the ones responsible for robbing us of our joy – not others.
A different approach…
What if I told you it should never be you versus your inner critic? Would you believe that? When we pin ourselves against a part, we ultimately create more internal chaos and escalation of unwanted feelings and emotions.
Hating my inner critic exasperated an already dysfunctional internal relationship which fed the painful dialogue and left me feeling emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausted. Sound familiar? I knew I needed something to change. I needed to change.
So, I decided to trade cheap shots and low blows with something completely foreign ‒ compassion, curiosity, and clear boundaries. Over time as I softened, so did my inner critic. The more capacity I had to listen (with new ears), the less toxic the conversations and, in turn, the less my mental health and well-being were being eroded.
New job title…
As the relationship with my inner critic evolved and transformed, I realized I was selling her short. While I was busy raging a war on myself, she was merely trying to show me what I did not want to see or acknowledge. My inner critic was a messenger. One with a gigantic highlighter, arrows, and flashing lights trying to get my attention, forcing me to slow down and do the inner work required so I could show up for myself and others as the most authentic version of me I knew existed deep down inside.
Today, my inner critic does not exist. Her new job title is Director of Internal Thoughts (her choice, not mine). I recognize the essential role she plays in my internal and external worlds. Our current relationship took a lot of time to rebuild and shift, an investment that has been vital in my personal and professional capacities. I will admit that my inner dialogue is not always rainbows, positive affirmations, and glowing reviews. It is, however, an honest reflection of the love and respect I have myself, my healed and unhealed parts, and the work in progress I will always be.
Does this resonate with you? I would love to hear how! Leave a comment in the section below and tell me about your current relationship with your inner critic.
Candace Fox, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Candace M. Fox is a Psychosensory/somatic Practitioner who works with Neurodivergent youth & adults, sharing self-regulation tools and resources to support them on their journey towards self-discovery and transformational growth. Born and raised on the prairies in Canada, Candace has always had a passion for helping others. Her journey of healing has been a wild ride and led to an AD[H]D diagnosis at the age of 35. Today, she's doing what she loves most ‒ using her past struggles as a catalyst to help others. A self-professed 'student of life', Candace admits her clients teach her just as much if not more than she does them.
