Written by Eva Benmeleh, Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Eva Benmeleh focuses on the multifaceted impact of perfectionism on individuals and their relationships. She is a clinical psychologist in private practice, educator on maternal mental health and perfectionism, and author of the book Sun and Moon Love Cloud: A book about divorce.
Perfectionism is on the rise, and it’s having a profound impact on the mental health and well-being of our kids. A meta-analysis of birth cohort differences from 1989 to 2016 found significant increases in self-oriented perfectionism, socially prescribed perfectionism, and other-oriented perfectionism over the last 27 years (Curran & Hill, 2017).
These trends are not happening in isolation. American, Canadian, and British cultures have become more individualistic, materialistic, and socially antagonistic, creating environments that are increasingly competitive and demanding. Young people are growing up in a world where unrealistic expectations are the norm, and many face heightened pressures from anxious and controlling parenting styles. This combination fosters a toxic cycle of stress, fear of failure, and unattainable standards, which can lead to anxiety, depression, and burnout.
To address this growing issue, it’s essential to understand the different forms of perfectionism and how they manifest:
Self-oriented perfectionism: This involves setting excessively high standards for oneself. While striving for excellence can be motivating, perfectionists often experience feelings of inadequacy and fear of failure if their goals are not met.
Socially prescribed perfectionism: This form of perfectionism stems from perceived expectations of others. Young people may feel intense pressure to meet standards set by peers, teachers, or parents to gain acceptance or avoid rejection.
Other-oriented perfectionism: In this case, the individual imposes unrealistic standards on others, becoming overly critical when those expectations aren’t met. This dynamic can strain relationships and create a culture of judgment and blame.
How parents shape perfectionism in their children
Parents play a critical role in shaping their children’s experiences and attitudes toward success and failure. Anxious and controlling parenting styles, characterized by micromanaging, overemphasis on achievement, or harsh criticism, can inadvertently teach children that their worth is tied to their accomplishments. Over time, this can erode a child’s self-esteem and instill a fear of taking risks or making mistakes.
But parents also have the power to break the cycle of perfectionism. It starts with a willingness to look in the mirror and ask an important question: Am I contributing to my child’s perfectionism, or am I helping them build resilience and self-acceptance?
A middle way: Fostering growth without breaking their spirit
There is a better way, a middle way, where parents can nurture their child’s potential without draining their life force or breaking their spirit. Here are some strategies to guide your parenting approach:
Model healthy standards
Show your child that it’s okay to make mistakes and embrace imperfection. Demonstrate self-compassion and a growth mindset in your own life, and they will follow suit.
Praise effort, not outcomes
Focus on the effort your child puts into their work rather than the final result. This teaches them that their value lies in their persistence and willingness to learn, not in achieving perfection.
Encourage balance
Help your child develop healthy habits by encouraging downtime, hobbies, and relaxation. A balanced lifestyle fosters creativity, resilience, and a sense of well-being.
Teach resilience through failure
Frame failures as opportunities for growth rather than evidence of inadequacy. Help your child see that setbacks are a natural part of the learning process and do not define their worth.
Build a supportive environment
Create a home atmosphere where your child feels loved and valued for who they are, not what they achieve. Offer encouragement and reassurance, especially during times of stress or self-doubt.
Becoming part of the solution
As a parent, you have the power to create a healthier, more supportive environment for your child. By choosing to step away from unrealistic expectations and focusing on connection, self-compassion, and growth, you can teach your child to be the best version of themselves without breaking their spirit.
It starts with you. By reflecting on your parenting style and making small changes, you can model the resilience, balance, and self-acceptance that your child needs to thrive in today’s demanding world. The idea isn’t to let go of high standards altogether. Teaching our kids to set high yet achievable standards for success is part of what makes us good parents; it’s about believing in them now and in their potential.
As a clinical psychologist, I help parents reduce their inner critic and fastidious behaviors, which often lead them to create a seemingly perfect life – albeit one that feels like it’s never enough or comes at the expense of their happiness. Together, our work is to break the cycle of perfectionism and create a foundation for success rooted in love, support, and authenticity.
Read more from Eva Benmeleh
Eva Benmeleh, Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Eva Benmeleh focuses on the multifaceted impact perfectionism on individuals and their relationships. She is a clinical psychologist in private practice, educator on maternal mental health and perfectionism, and author of the book Sun and Moon Love Cloud: A book about divorce. She is committed to unraveling the polarities in pefectionism integrating the striving for personal growth with harmoious flow. She is committed to working with individuals open to compassionate yet astute feedback, expanding their awareness and making profound changes to the quality of their lives.
