Loving and Thriving With an ADHD Partner Takes Patience, Humor and the Right Strategies
Written by Robynne Pendariès, ADHD Coach
Robynne Pendariès, an American who has lived in France her whole adult life, brings her 18 years of experience as a Professional Organizer to her present passion of online coaching for adults with ADHD. Robyne partners with clients in a thought-provoking process, to create systems in order to find each person's life that fits.
When I married my husband 35 years ago, I knew I was signing up for adventure, but I didn’t realize it would include finding the remote in the fridge or learning that “I’ll do it later” has an expiration date of never. Life with an ADHD partner is a mix of love, unpredictability, and a constant game of hide-and-seek with missing keys.
At first, I did what many partners do – I tried to instill order. I made lists, reminders, and schedules, only to watch them disappear into the abyss (also known as his desk). Frustration mounted. I felt like I was nagging, and he felt like he was failing. Neither of us wanted that.
Then, something unexpected happened. Instead of trying to “fix” him, I got curious. I started learning about ADHD, how his brain works, and why he does things the way he does. That curiosity turned into a passion, and eventually, I became an ADHD coach for adults. And now? I’m branching out to help partners and spouses who, like me, are navigating the rollercoaster of loving someone with ADHD.
So, what have I learned in 35 years of love and life with an ADHD partner?
It’s not personal
Forgetfulness, distraction, and last-minute plan changes aren’t acts of defiance; they’re characteristics of an ADHD brain. Once I stopped taking these things personally, I could actually help rather than react.
Systems need “buy-in”
My work as a professional organizer for the past 17 years prepared me for this: the best (and only) organization system is the one your partner will actually use. If they won’t check an agenda but will set voice reminders, then go with that. Flexibility is key.
Laughter is a lifesaver
I’ve learned to laugh when I find my phone in the freezer (again) or when he hyper-focuses on researching the history of golf balls at midnight instead of paying bills. Humor keeps resentment at bay.
Communication is everything
Assumptions create tension. Clear, kind, and direct communication makes all the difference. “Hey, can you please do this now?” works better than “Can you do this later?” (which is ADHD code for “forget about it”).
Self-care isn’t selfish
Being a partner doesn’t mean being a martyr. Supporting a spouse with ADHD is easier when you also support yourself. Take breaks, set boundaries, and find your own joys.
For years, I thought I was alone in this. But now I know so many partners of ADHD adults are out there, feeling frustrated, exhausted, and sometimes unseen. The good news? There are ways to make it work. You don’t have to choose between love and sanity; you can have both! And if you need guidance, I’m here to help.
Life with an ADHD partner is never dull, but with the right mindset, strategies, and a healthy dose of humor, it can be pretty amazing. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go assist my husband in finding his wallet… again!
Robynne Pendariès, ADHD Coach
Robynne Pendariès, an American who has lived in France her whole adult life, brings her 18 years of experience as a Professional Organizer to her present passion of online coaching for adults with ADHD. After a few years of organizing people's homes and offices, Robyne realized that many of her clients had been diagnosed with ADHD (and subsequently her husband and teenage daughter as well). Without realizing it, Robyne had been helping people with neuro-divergent brains for many years, and she went back to school to obtain formal training as an ADHD coach. Robyne partners with clients in a thought-provoking process, to create systems in order to find each person's "life that fits".
