Killing the Shame, Not the Self Opens a New Conversation on Suicide and Emotional Intelligence

Written by Gemma Gains, Director

Gemma Gains is a Space Holder and Facilitator in the world of healing and transformation. She specializes in the subtleties of reading and harnessing energy.

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Last weekend, I held space as a threesome, with fellow healers Katie and Zoe. I usually close the day with a reading. And had planned out what I was going to take the ladies through. I walked into the space, and I had a very loud, resounding voice in my head, “tell them”. The theme for the day’s retreat was ‘reclamation of the inner child’, and I knew that the voice was asking me to talk about my childhood, so I changed my whole plan and started to talk.

I could feel the energy of the room, potent and still. After I continued my reading and we integrated the day and closed the ceremony. A lady, who had never been before, came to me and said that my story had transformed her, as she had suffered the same.

I write this article with the same intention. And I take snippets from a book I am writing about perception.

“What a shame”

Suicide, I believe, is one of the most misunderstood parts of the human experience. Often, people do not survive. And if they do, most are so embarrassed, shamed and feel so guilty for their actions that they cannot speak up and out about what led them there. Too consumed with fear and being labelled for the rest of their days, they try their best to continue life with the anvil of shame. Suicide is often stigmatised as reckless, cowardly, selfish, attention-seeking, ignorant, irresponsible, weak, and punishing others. I hope that you give me this opportunity to open your mind.

Suicide is not just one moment.

In the ceremony, when I was talking about my childhood, you could hear a pin drop, my voice was calm and clear and I talked with little to no emotion, and I knew that it was time to say more, to say things I have never said before, because I wasn’t scared anymore. I was not worried about how I would be perceived. This level of stillness and peace can bring healing to so many, so I share.

Taking your own life doesn’t just happen in one moment, it happens over years, months, weeks, days and agonising minutes. It is a reaction, a final hurdle in a race that the individual runs by themselves. Aspects of self in every lane, jostling to be accepted, noticed and treasured. All have their own battles and arguments, their peaks and obstacles to hurdle. Parts where the race seems easy and others where they drag themselves on their knees, and one day that last hurdle just seems so out of sight, that the energy to continue is gone, and the stadium lights turn off, and the audience leaves.

Suicide doesn’t just happen in one moment; it is a reaction to many moments of powerlessness. What is ‘actually’ the shame: is that society doesn’t want to see the moments that the individual is reacting to, because that implies oneness and consequence. Something our society struggles with every moment.

“How could you be so stupid?”

I do not remember a lot of my childhood. The bits I do remember haunted me up until very recently, and I still work on aspects of my belief systems that were shaped in it. I was emotionally, psychologically, physically, financially, and sexually abused, and it was never talked about, as far as I am aware, no one outside of our home knew. To anyone else, we were a ‘normal’ family. I would escape the chaos in my home by meditating for very long periods, I taught myself a form of meditation I now know as Kevala Kumbhaka, where I would stay in inversions for long periods and hold my breath. I use this method still to this day.

Since talking to fellow therapists, we confirm this saved me from a lot of the damage of the chaos. But waiting for the ‘episodes’ was the worst, and I became hyper vigilant in the most extreme way, being able to sense everyone in the house and what they were doing so that I could prevent the next attack by hiding or leaving the house (if possible). This sensitivity is now what I use for my work, feeling into the subtleties of the energy field. As a child, I could lie in bed and know who was walking down the street; now, as an adult, I can hone this and feel blockages in the body like an X-ray.

But the constant threat of attack was too much, and I felt powerless in my own home. I was scolded for standing up for myself and trying to defend my mum. I couldn’t tell anyone as that would embarrass the family. With the way I was treated, the beliefs of my parents and the constant feeling that it was I who was wrong. Without internet, books, films, or any programming, I knew what my choices were. I think what I would like to stress here is that I am not the only person who has this belief. Children inherently will take on the blame. When we, as children, are not loved, respected and cherished, we will blame ourselves and believe that we are not lovable.

This is a constant theme in all of my clients and people whom I work with to varying degrees!

Even as a child, I found ways to keep myself safe in chaos, I learnt skills to guard myself and when and only when nothing else changed, completely powerless to leave, or stop the violence, I took my life into my own hands, when every person around me, who was meant to be the authority and care, had shown that they were unable to look after me. I wanted to feel safe! That was my primal need. I believed at the time that I was nothing because that was how I was treated.

Escape is not stupid. That is the smartest thing.

Addictions: The complex path of escapism

On my quest to escape the violence I lived in, I found escapism in controlling my food. My creativity soared and I would spend hours alone, sometimes up in the middle of the night drawing and making, disappearing into flow state and found such peace in my creative flow.

I also started to drink alcohol. I would steal sips of strong spirits from the cabinet in the front room. No one drank in my household; they were gifts and left over from years past, so no one knew what I was doing. This gave my hypervigilance a much-needed break. When I became older and was allowed to stay out and stay away from home, this practice escalated quickly. I would stay away from home and find ways to drink more, which led me down many destructive pathways and became a crutch after my first suicide attempt. As society deems alcohol part of our lives in celebration and ‘winding down,’ my habit could go undetected and be very much part of who I was. The life and soul of the party until I had had too much and became a complete mess, and the chaos would ensue. This carried on through my life until my early thirties. Drugs were also used to aid more drink to be consumed. I picked friends and acquaintances who were also into the same habits to ensure that my escapism was not noticed.

I have since moved through over-exercising, anorexia, smoking, and partying, all to try and contain my need for escape. Toxic relationships, however, were my go-to; engaging in the violence of my past with other people helped me make sense of my past. And this, I feel, gets overlooked and misinterpreted. Unconsciously, I was playing out that the problem was outside of myself. Unconsciously choosing relationships with friends, partners, and even work situations that would teach me that I was not “in the wrong”.

Betrayal: The many deaths of the self

I was brought up Christian, and Easter was a big thing for Mum and me. I would be happy to take part in Lent, passionately abiding by the chosen theme of sacrifice and resonate with Jesus’s betrayal and his resurrection. In modern Spirituality, we talk about the “dark knight of the soul”, “the many ego deaths”, and disillusionment. The necessary ‘deaths’, to transform an individual into enlightenment, an alchemic process of burning in the crucible and rising from the ashes as the phoenix.

Seen as an ‘Unforgivable sin’ by the church, “thou shalt not kill” takes on a life of its own when you observe how many billions have been killed by the ‘church’ or in the name of religion. Non-believers, ‘heretics’ and ‘witches’, burned, drowned and hanged.

Before the church, suicide was very common to avoid shame or suffering. Widows left alone and the old and infirm would ‘Take’ their lives, accept their fate. Mothers would even suffocate their babies in times of famine rather than watch them starve.

It was the church that would not grant traditional burial for a suicide, passing judgement on the act being evil. ‘An act against God.’ Laws were made to discourage suicide, as well as degrading the body rather than permitting a normal burial, the property and possessions of both the person who died by suicide and of their family were confiscated.

Confiscated? I’m sure there was another commandment that stated.

Let’s have a look, shall we?

• “Thou shalt have no other gods before me.”

• “Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image.”

• “Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain.”

• “Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy.”

• “Honour thy father and thy mother.”

• “Thou shalt not kill.”

• “Thou shalt not commit adultery.”

• “Thou shalt not steal.”

Ah, yes, here we are, the church was acting against God? Who are we to judge?

We could also take the commandment “Honour thy father and mother” to be important here, as we are taught to obey, respect and honour our parents, however they treat us. And this is also a huge sticking point for so many individuals that I work with, even to speak ill of their caregivers seems impossible, regardless of what they have endured. Our very faith can have us betraying ourselves to honour the very people who harm.

Let me speak on my learnings here, I have found peace with my parents, I love them both. No, I do not condone their behaviour, but I know and deeply understand that they were doing the best with the tools that they had. Both my parents are/ were amazing humans, with skills that have made my life a great success! I believe that what happened to me as a child and everything that came from those experiences was a beautiful alchemical wonder that has propelled me into a life I once dreamed of. I use all my experiences to help many, and I hope to inspire.

Growth does not happen on a sun lounger with a cocktail. Like the root exploding the seed, it happens in the darkness. With all the wisdom I have acquired, these experiences have been priceless. I can say that I am safe, content and at peace with life.

I say, “I have died so many times, I am only just coming to life”. So many breakdowns, which I have turned into magnificent breakthroughs. And when someone comes to me and says they have had the same, I say, “Great, what will you do with this life?” Our culture does not deal well with existential crisis, we aren’t tooled up to deal with people on the edge, out of control, or depressed.

Disconnected: The fear of the most natural thing in the world

Far away across the other side of the world.

Seppuku, also called harakiri, was a form of Japanese ritualistic suicide by disembowelment. It was originally reserved for samurai in their code of honour, but was also practised by other Japanese people during the Shōwa era to restore honour for themselves or for their families.

Samurai would gladly slit their bellies in the preservation of their honour. A completely accepted narrative in Japanese culture. The ceremony and ritual were beautiful and pure in every way. Dressed in white and kneeling on a white cloth, the blood from the belly spilling, creating its puddles of art on the canvas, the droplets and spray darting across pure white cloth.

Even a ‘second’ would remove the head clean from the shoulders of the kneeling suicide. An honour to assist this intense act of self-preservation. Assisted suicide.

When I found Bushido (samurai code of conduct) when I was in my early 20’s, my first suicide made so much sense. I could see so clearly that I was desperately trying to reclaim my power, my authority and personal safety. My honour!

In my own way, suicide was me creating the Seppuku Ceremony and showing my ‘captors’ that I was powerful, taking back my life, accepting with dignity my ‘defeat’ and restoring the honour to my family. I was the ‘black sheep’, the odd one out, the one who made trouble (or so they said) and it would be easier to remove the ‘problem’.

And no, I am not saying we should allow suicide, I am not saying we should assist, what I am demonstrating is how culture changes belief systems. If we truly want to change the number of suicides in our society, then we must be ready to change the narrative around it. A Seppuku ceremony is down the other end of the sliding scale. We cannot expect to have people come forth and seek help in an environment of stigma, shame and isolation. So we must open our minds to a new narrative.

Our society seems wired for powerlessness, we live a life of convenience, consumerism, competition and toxic positivity. The tag line for society is, grow up, learn how to learn, get a job, make money, have a kid, get a house and a car, and do that until you die. The channels of success in our current programming are wafer thin, a funnel that so many of us just don’t fit, then what?

Do men form the highest number of suicides? Why? Because their basic needs have been stripped from them. They cannot protect, they cannot provide, and they cannot lead; it’s all done for them. Women won’t be far behind either, the way that society is going. Where I ask is our value? What is our purpose? Where is our autonomy? Authority? Sovereignty?

Bushido: The way of the warrior

Powerlessness, hopelessness, and disempowerment are outdated programs. They have been installed by generations of indoctrination from the powers that be. If we really want to improve our society and stop people from wanting to escape. We must live differently.

When I found Bushido, I understood my own personal power. I stopped asking to be saved and saved myself. I started to respect myself, I gained discipline, benevolence, I spoke honestly, and I created justice for myself by forgiving the past and the people who had harmed me. I became extremely loyal to myself, which gave me the courage to change. I honoured myself and sacrificed my old self over and over again so that I could find peace.

In the same way that modern-day spirituality speaks of the process of alchemy. I didn’t get it right immediately, there have been huge disappointments, twists and turns, but what I have learnt through every experience is to stay focused on my morals and values. Deeply embodying the person that I want to be. Not the person I am told to be.

And soon I became a person of influence. People noticed immediately that I was not in the practice of betraying myself anymore. Yes, there have been many tests, but I never think of myself as ‘Nothing’ anymore. Because I am me, the me I built from the scorched crucible.

Embracing the darkness: Crucifix or the sword of truth

From being very young, I would question my mother about God, Jesus and the stories we heard in church and Sunday school. I was always left feeling a little perplexed. I could not get my head around the thought that God was the Almighty and still let ‘bad’ things happen. That there were people starving in the world, that animals were being killed needlessly, and all the hurt and pain in the world just didn’t seem like God’s work.

In April 2024, I took my life again, for the third time in my life.

A nearly 4-year-long Family Custody Battle over my 6-year-old son left me with no life left. I was a shell of my former self. I had been accused of abusing him (no evidence), I was lied about in several reports and in court by several services, accused of being unfit and had him taken away several times with no evidence of harm. My mental health was brought up at every opportunity, and how I lived my life and my career choice were debated. Contact had been supervised for years and then limited to 2 hours every 2 weeks. I have missed out on 3 years of my son’s life.

To give you some context, leading up to the end of our family’s court case, which had been going on for years, there had been an overwhelming amount of manipulative, threatening, disingenuous, misleading and deceitful behaviour from officials, and ‘professionals’ and infused by a whole community of flying monkeys, I was spiritually, emotionally and physically spent.

I have dedicated myself to talking about the things that have happened to me. The abuse, the injustices, in a constructive way. In a way that shows compassion and love to all involved. To share my experiences, not as a victim, but as a victor. Not a survivor, a thriver! I am preparing to lead discussions to create lasting, beneficial change for society. I have no interest in revenge or naming and blaming. My hope is to inspire you to live like God intended us to. In peace, in faith and in love!

The weekend just gone, May 2025, my son, his dad, and I played golf in the park and talked to each other like friends. Miracles happen! With everything said about me, with every lie, I met it with immoveable faith. In love! In God! In me! And for the highest good of all. My son has never seen us together like that in his life.

I have been through enough in this lifetime to know with every cell of my being that God is not the almighty. God is a choice! The ‘evil’, the fear and the pain, is not something we need to eradicate from society. It is a magnificent opportunity for us to accept the challenge and show the world who we really are! Not who we are told to be. The only way evil wins is in the lies we tell ourselves and each other. What we really fear is not being accepted. When we choose fear, we choose pain, for ourselves and others.

Our shadow parts, the parts of us we deem the most unacceptable, are still parts of us. The universe, God, Source, whatever you feel comfortable believing in, wants your most authentic expression and nothing more. There have been many tests, and the highest frequency a human can be is authentic! And that means all the emotions, not just the ‘good’. 

The God’s honest truth is that a Society which focuses on emotional Intelligence to measure its success instead of productivity would massively derail so many of the beliefs associated with suicide. We must refrain from projecting onto individuals trying to escape this reckless, cowardly, selfish, attention-seeking, ignorant, irresponsible, weak society that punishes with isolation, exclusion and judgement and In the meantime, we must understand as individuals that life will have conflicts; we aim to learn the tools to navigate our lives with as little harm to ourselves and others as possible.

Power full not power less

There really aren’t enough words here to justify the vastness of this topic, but for now, I hope that my intention to open your mind has come to pass. Whether you are a fellow healer, therapist or coach or going through a conflict with yourself or with others. Know that your faith in Peace, love and contentment will get you through. Please do not be afraid of your fears, your emotions, your tears or your anger. They are all necessary tools to heal. Laugh as much as possible, laugh at the ridiculousness of life and love fearlessly. Your choice is your power, and anyone or anything trying to take it from you should be left well alone!

“If we don’t stand for something, we fall for anything”

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Read more from Gemma Gains

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Gemma Gains, Director

Gemma is a space holder, guiding you as a compassionate, protective, and dedicated shepherd through the subtle energies of your field. With patience and wisdom, Gemma uses her intuitive card readings, deep conversation, and body work to help release blockages and heal generational traumas, realigning your energetic flow. Drawing on principles of quantum physics, Gemma can help you understand how your inner world reflects your relationships with yourself, others, and the Earth. As your unwavering guide, Gemma is dedicated to supporting you in returning to a "right" relationship with yourself, while leaving you with full autonomy over your healing journey. Her intention is to empower you to reconnect with your true self and cultivate harmony within your body, energy, and the world around you.