Written by: Ruby Rose Walker, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
It’s natural to strive for greatness, but is perfectionism holding you back from reaching that next level of fulfillment and success?
I get it, I’ve been there, I like to think of myself as a ‘recovering perfectionist’. I’m aware of myperfectionist tendencies, and I’ve learned to use these as a tool rather than letting them hold me back (for the most part).
As a recovering perfectionist, I know that it can be challenging and it can be exhausting. The good news is that it doesn’t have to have such control over your mind. Perfectionism is a double-edged sword, on one hand, it motivates you to perform at your best, but if you’re not careful it can negatively impact you, your life, and the people around you. The aim of this article is to help recognize it and stop it from taking control so that you can use it as a powerful tool.
Let me give you an example to illustrate the thought process of a perfectionist. Cast your mind back to a time you had a job interview, chances are you anticipated the question: “What's your greatest weakness?”
You probably also heard that you shouldn’t answer “perfectionism”, “it’s too cliche”. If you have slight perfectionist tendencies, you may have concerned yourself with it for a bit then settled for an answer such as “I’m too detail-orientated”. If perfectionism runs your mind, you probably found the whole process highly stressful. Knowing that the honest answer could be considered a ‘wrong’ answer, and tweaking the answer wouldn’t be completely honest, and “what if they think my answer isn’t good enough?” and so on. You may have spent far too much time trying to think of the perfect answer to replace ‘perfectionism’, and often the question doesn’t even come up. Even if it does, the interviewers definitely don’t overanalyze your answer after you’ve left the room as much as you might stress about it. This is just an example, but if you’re a perfectionist you know what I’m talking about.
Most perfectionists believe that these tendencies come hand in hand with being a high achiever, but there are clear differences between the two.
Perfectionism is striving for flawlessness and not settling for anything less. Agonizing over tiny details and never being truly satisfied with the result because, well, it could have been better. Where high achievers are usually happy excelling in particular areas and focusing on these, perfectionists consider anything that falls below their impossibly high self-imposed standards to be unacceptable.
Below are some common signs that perfectionism may be running the show:
Highly Critical
Because perfectionists have high standards and expectations, they can see flaws and imperfections in most things, particularly when it comes to themselves. They can’t help but to focus on these and think of ways to improve them. This isn’t necessarily on purpose, and it can be challenging to always feel critical and dissatisfied.
Persistent dissatisfaction
The goals that perfectionists set for themselves are often a moving target that gets further away from them as they inch closer toward it (if it was even attainable in the first place). They tend to beat themselves up when their extremely high expectations aren’t met and they dwell on their shortcomings far longer than others.
The urge to control
Because perfectionists have unrealistic standards and are highly critical, they have trouble letting go of control. This is often related to things within their own life, but when managing projects, situations or people, they like to keep involved so that they can make sure that they are in control.
Troubles with sleep
Perfectionists often have more trouble falling asleep than others or struggle to get back to sleep if they wake up in the night. They are kept up by their busy mind’s replaying past situations that could have been better or anticipating future ones.
Fear of failure
Perfectionists place so much attention and energy on a ‘perfect’ outcome, they find it hard to accept anything less than perfection. They often feel that not meeting the standards that they’ve set for themselves makes them a failure. A failure in a task or a project can be interpreted as a personal failure which makes it a lot more daunting.
Procrastination
People who are perfectionists may avoid starting a task until they know that they can do it perfectly. Because of their fear of failure, they can feel trapped or blocked from starting what they plan to. They often end up taking training after training or course after course to get better at something before even starting.
The good news? YOU are in control and have the ability to view and use these tendencies as a powerful tool.
Here’s how to take back control and stop perfectionism running the show:
Awareness
The first step toward change is awareness. Notice situations where perfectionism is taking control or holding you back.
Become aware of your internal chatter. In the beginning, these will be conscious thoughts, over time you will start to become aware of subconscious thoughts, patterns and behaviors that may be hampering your progress or success.
An important part of this process is to write down what you notice so that you can bring it to light to it and overcome it. Ask yourself, “Where am I getting in my own way?” Choose someone you respect and ask yourself: “What would they advise me to do in this situation?” Don’t beat yourself up, just be curious and conscious. Mastery starts with awareness.
Acceptance
Being a perfectionist can be seen as positive and negative, but it’s neither and it’s both. It’s important to remember that a person is not a perfectionist, a person has perfectionist tendencies. It doesn’t define you nor excuse you, it’s a tendency you have for the way you look at things and navigate your way through work or life. But it’s just that, a tendency, once you accept that you can choose to either let it control you or let it be a tool.
Prioritize
Perfectionists often think they’re more effective because of their high standards, and that they’re the person best equipped at stopping things from falling through the cracks. But at what cost? Think back to the list above of signs that perfectionism may be running the show. What’s the cost to you, your wellbeing and your relationships in the long term? Some things are worth putting all your energy into, but most things aren’t. Prioritize what’s important to you and be more strategic with the others. Decide how much energy you’re going to put in, and stick to it. When things seem overwhelming, ask yourself “What’s the absolute worst that could happen?” if things don’t go exactly as planned.
Define success and celebrate it
Define what success will look like before you start something new, write it down and celebrate when you hit that success.
Have you ever set yourself a fitness goal, you hit that goal and then you keep stretching it further? “I’ll be happy when…” Hold on, what happened to the goal you just met or surpassed? What about the fact that you showed up for yourself and made progress?
When you set your mind to something, define a realistic goal, and when you hit that goal, celebrate. If you have a big goal to achieve, break those down into milestones and celebrate those along the way.
Get out of your head
There are so many things that you can do to get out of your head or separate the emotions from the facts.
One great way is to get your body moving! Changing the scenery and shifting your attention will shift your energy and focus. If running or walking is your thing, try assigning a purpose to your run or walk before you set off. Maybe to gain clarity, to burn off some stress, to overcome barriers. Then get moving. What you come up against in your run, reflect upon after.
Are you giving yourself a hard time for not running fast enough? (notice if it’s perfectionism showing up) Sometimes we need to give ourselves a break.
Are you coming up against barriers of frustration? Each time we push past a barrier, we show our minds and bodies what we are capable of.
For you, it might not be running or walking. How can you use something in everyday life to help you get out of your head and shift your energy to gain clarity and reflect?
Stop referring to yourself as a perfectionist
Stop saying “I’m a perfectionist.” it doesn’t define you, it’s a tendency. It’s not who you are. If you practice methods of overcoming perfectionist tendencies, but you’re still calling yourself a perfectionist either out loud or in your head, it’s going to be impossible to break old patterns. Change your internal dialogue to something that separates it from your identity, for me it’s ‘a recovering perfectionist’, for you it may be something different.
Practice
Now that you’re aware, practice dealing with these scenarios from a different state of mind. With practice, you'll begin to think differently and regulating your thoughts will become a habit. Think of it like building a muscle, it takes time to build strength and for it to become effortless. No person goes to the gym out of shape and becomes fit in a week.
Take it one step at a time, it takes patience and consistency.
Remember that YOU have the ability and power to master your mind, all mastery takes practice.
Ruby Rose Walker, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Ruby Rose is an international coach whose clients achieve life-changing transformation from the inside out. She is passionate about empowering individuals to step into their full potential to live with intention and lead with impact. Her unique life growing up across continents and cultures and her non-linear career path strongly influences her approach in unlocking the right path for each client. Knowing intimately how no two lives are the same, her work with clients is personal and tailored to each unique situation. She strongly believes there’s no right approach for all and coaches individuals to tap into their own unique potential to achieve a fulfilling life of their own. Having overcome her own experiences with a burnout in the past through mindful rewiring, Ruby Rose aims to be a partner on your journey to create a life of alignment, empowerment, and purpose you deserve.
