Is It Defiance, Bad Behaviour, or Pathological Demand Avoidance?
- Brainz Magazine
- Nov 29
- 8 min read
Updated: Dec 4
Kirsty Marie Denny specialises in trauma, neurodivergence, and sensitivity, empowering her clients to transform their lives through energetic kinesiology. Her focus is on each individual’s unique gifts and challenges and the root causes of distressing symptoms.
Is your child a tiny tyrant? Do the simplest requests or tasks (think tooth brushing, putting on socks) trigger apocalyptic meltdowns? Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) has been floating around as a possible diagnosis or sub-diagnosis for those on the autism spectrum for a while.[1] However, lately, mainstream awareness has skyrocketed, with celebrities and media discussing this condition. In this article, I’ll give you the breakdown. What is PDA? Is it an official diagnosis? How do you manage or parent PDA? Is this a permanent neurological condition or simply a symptom of distress?
PDA first came onto my radar when my own children were small, and we were dealing with volatile and defiant behavior that seemed to go well and truly above and beyond regular toddler tantrums and boundary testing. We were doing a pretty good job (or so we thought), parenting respectfully and responsively, compassionately holding boundaries where appropriate, giving lots of love, affection, and security, providing nutritious whole foods, access to nature, and creative play, and so on and so forth… so what was the deal? That’s when I came across some online content about PDA, and lightbulbs were going off.
What is Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA)?
Demand avoidance can be experienced by anyone… think procrastination, not wanting to be pressured, or even feeling compelled to do the exact opposite of what someone is requesting! Someone with PDA is said to experience demands (including seemingly minor requests) as threats, producing a stress response. Everyday examples of demands may include tasks as simple as putting on shoes or coming to the dinner table to eat with the family. When presented with this ‘threat’ in the form of a demand, the PDAer may employ a range of tactics to avoid said demand. For example, initially, they may simply avoid the demand, ignoring it or pretending not to hear you. If this doesn’t work, they might employ distractions or excuses, e.g., ‘I just have to do XYZ first,’ ‘Here’s why that’s not going to work,’ telling a funny story, or even role-playing (‘I can’t put on shoes because I’m a bird and birds don’t wear shoes!’). If these forms of avoidance are unsuccessful, the child may shut down, withdraw completely, or become angry and/or aggressive.
As mentioned above, anyone can experience demand avoidance, particularly under stress, so what makes this pathological? The idea here is that the demand avoidance is ‘extreme’ and infringes on the individual’s ability to live their life the way they want to. Demand avoidance may also stop them from doing things they really want to do or even biologically imposed demands, such as eating or toileting. You may wish to refer here for an overview of PDA and the ways it may be expressed behaviorally.
What causes PDA?
The generally accepted theory is that those with PDA have highly sensitive nervous systems (neuroception). Stephen Porges coined the term neuroception to describe the way the nervous system subconsciously scans the environment for threats vs. safety.
In autistic people generally, and PDA people specifically, the baseline level of nervous system arousal or activation is so high that it doesn’t take much to push them over the edge, so to speak. In this sense, PDA may be characterized as an anxiety-driven desire for control.[2]
When a threat is encountered (e.g., in the form of a demand or sensory input), there are a number of possible survival-based responses:
Flight: This could be literal running away or via forms of distraction (e.g., intense focus on a preferred activity).
Fight: Lashing out either physically or verbally. It may also look more like ‘flooding’ (intense emotional expression/meltdown that is not directed towards another).
Freeze: May also be described as shutdown, dissociation, or zoning out.
Fawn: In essence, this can look like people-pleasing or surrendering one’s own boundaries for the needs of others. This may occur particularly for those in long-term situations where they feel unsafe to express their true feelings and needs.
There are, of course, multiple variations on these key survival responses. You can learn more about the nervous system and survival responses here.
What else could be going on?
It’s important to look at other possible causes of the demand-avoidant behavior. This is particularly the case if a previously easy-going child becomes very oppositional or volatile. Consider whether the child has experienced stress that may have triggered a change in behavior. This could be chronic (e.g., struggling in school) or acute (e.g., an accident, divorce, or loss of a loved one). Another important factor to investigate is the possibility of neuroinflammation in the form of PANS (Pediatric Acute-Onset Neuropsychiatric Syndrome)/PANDAS (Pediatric Autoimmune Neuropsychiatric Disorders Associated with Streptococcal Infections). In this case, there is physical inflammation in the brain, often after an infection or other toxic exposures such as mold. The resulting behaviors can include volatility, oppositionality/demand avoidance, obsessive-compulsive behaviors, bed-wetting, and tics. See the PANDAS Network for more information.
Is there an upside to PDA?
Some people like to reframe PDA as Persistent Drive for Autonomy rather than as a pathology. There can certainly be benefits to being someone who questions authority and dances to the beat of their own drum! From a more holistic/spiritual perspective, we might say that PDAers are born freedom seekers. As with anything, this can tip into something deemed pathological when it limits the individual’s ability to live a fulfilling and enjoyable life, including being in healthy relationships with others.
Parenting PDA
Regardless of whether you feel an official diagnosis is in order, if your child is showing demand-avoidant behaviors, there are some approaches you may find helpful:
1. Lowering demands
Lowering demands and providing as much autonomy as reasonable. For example, give choices whenever possible and be genuine about it. Consider what is truly necessary versus what is simply a social norm. Is it possible to take the child out of school or have a break? Alternatively, are there supports available in school or specialist facilities? School, by its very nature, is a very ‘demanding’ environment.
2. Reframing
Reframing the behavior to reduce blame, shame, and fear. Whether demand-avoidant behavior looks like fight, flight, or fawn—whether it is very obvious or more internalized—it is helpful to characterize it as an expression of intense anxiety… sometimes extreme. When we can see our child as having a hard time not giving us a hard time, it can create spaciousness around the behavior.
3. Don’t take it personally
Easier said than done, I know! Children with PDA will often utilize what is termed ‘equalizing behaviors’ when presented with demands. The idea is that they will employ whatever tactic is necessary to even the playing field, with this often taking the form of vicious verbal assaults. While these attacks can seem malicious, they can be reframed as a verbal panic attack designed to create safety.
4. Radical self-compassion
What does this even mean in practice?! For a start, be honest with yourself… while blaming your child is counterproductive, it’s okay to acknowledge that this is really HARD. In an ideal world, you would be able to take regular breaks to care for your own needs. However, in reality, many demand-avoidant children will rely heavily on their primary caregiver to help them feel safe. Ironically, the primary caregiver will also usually bear the brunt of the dysregulated behaviors! Certainly, if you have support available to you in the form of family members or respite care, make the most of it! If not, there may be an element of weathering the storm with as much grace as possible, taking micro-moments to do things that soothe your nervous system. Examples include breathing techniques, sniffing essential oils, vagus nerve toning exercises, humming, or repeating soothing mantras. One of my favorites when my kids were small was simply “I choose love.” As well as finding ways to soothe yourself, look for sparks of joy and delight. Breathe in the scent of your child while they’re sleeping, celebrate when you’re having a good day/hour/moment! Laugh! Find something hilarious to watch and be in the moment (yes, I’m aware that you may be interrupted/admonished by your child for having the audacity to do so!).
5. Maintain perspective
This season is intense, and things can get better! With the awareness that demand avoidance relates to a hypervigilant nervous system, know that anything that soothes the nervous system and reduces anxiety is a winner and will assist your child to become better regulated over time. See the next section for more on this.
Is this a lifelong condition?
Change is always possible. While a drive for autonomy can be a strength, it isn’t desirable to live with the nervous system balanced on a knife’s edge, and I believe that we CAN shift this. There are a myriad of possible causes of anxiety and hypervigilance, and also many ways to address these causes in a way that’s tailored to the individual.
In addition to reducing demands, an accessible approach may be to start small by noticing the sensory supports, interests, or experiences that are calming or pleasurable for your child and increasing those. Notice whether your child enjoys sensory-seeking activities (e.g., blowing off steam by jumping onto crash pads, swinging, or boxing) or soothing environments (e.g., a tent to hide in, cuddly toys, sensory squishies). A combination of both may be helpful. For many children, animals are a great source of regulation if this is accessible to you, or perhaps it’s specific interests like music, LEGO, etc. If computer games are a passion or source of regulation for your child, you will want to balance this against the potential for screen addiction and overstimulation in a way that works for your family.
Once a child’s nervous system seems somewhat stable, you may want to experiment with increasing demands slightly in a gentle and collaborative way. This will be much easier in pursuit of something the child is passionate about. At this stage, you may also find it easier to introduce additional therapies that may help to balance the nervous system.
Pathways forward
As with all people experiencing high anxiety, nutrition and supplementation are important factors to consider, alongside whether there is a need for detoxification. You may want to consult a naturopath, functional medicine doctor, or similarly qualified professional regarding this—ideally, one with experience with neurodivergent children.
Occupational therapy can be incredibly helpful if you find someone your child resonates with, as can other therapies such as dance, art, music, or animal-assisted therapies. The key with demand-avoidant children is often finding something or someone they love enough to override the demand avoidance. Often, once they find their ‘thing,’ gradually their capacity to deal with other demands will increase.
Holistic therapies that focus on the nervous system can be amazing, e.g., craniosacral therapy, osteopathy… and of course, kinesiology! The great thing about kinesiology is that it is very broad in its approach. We can gain information about all of the factors influencing each unique individual, including biochemical, emotional, and spiritual factors. I also work extensively with brain and nervous system regulation and integration, including balancing of the gut/brain axis.
You can book a session here, either in person (Auckland, New Zealand) or remotely, or email me for custom appointment times.
Kirsty Marie Denny, Kinesiologist and Neurodivergence Specialist
Kirsty Marie is an energetic kinesiologist who believes in each human’s capacity to thrive as their unique and authentic self.
Kirsty navigated chronic health challenges in her 20s and an intensely stressful early parenthood experience. Having transformed her own life as well as her children’s, she is on a mission to empower others.
She specialises in supporting those who are highly sensitive, neurodivergent, or who have experienced trauma. Her approach is truly holistic, incorporating practical lifestyle coaching as well as energetic processes for balancing the brain and body and transmuting emotional stress.
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