How To Start Talking About Sex
- Jul 29, 2022
- 5 min read
Updated: May 7, 2024
Written by: Amanda & John, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Talking about sex can be an uncomfortable topic for most couples. Many of us feel embarrassed, have issues with our body image or have been sexually rejected at some point, and with that comes emotional pain. Add influences such as our culture and life experiences, which often create feelings of sexual shame, and this can make any discussion about sex a scary endeavour!
In an online study of 70,000 people in 24 countries, researchers found that couples with a great sex life make their sex life a priority, rather than the last item on a long to-do list. Sadly, for some, it doesn’t even make it on the ‘list’.
Sexually satisfied couples are emotionally attuned to each other, inside and outside the bedroom. The key to long-term happiness then, sexually and otherwise, is for both partners to support and value their friendship and cherish the relationship itself.
8 ways to break the ice and start a conversation:
1. Set the scene to actually talk about sex
It turns out that the essential part of cultivating a healthy sex life is talking about a healthy sex life! Only 9% of couples who can’t comfortably talk about sex with one another say that they’re satisfied sexually. And 70% of couples do not even talk about the quality of their relationship at all!
Agreeing with your partner to have what you know might be an awkward conversation is the way to start, deciding that neither of you will shame or judge each other. Remember, this conversation is about solving anything. Its aim is to learn to get more comfortable with the discomfort and identify what might be getting in the way.
2. Don’t be vague
When partners talk to each other about their sexual needs, their conversations are often indirect, vague, and left unresolved. Typically, both partners are in a rush to finish the discussion, hoping their partner will understand their desires without saying much. It’s as if our partners are supposed to read our minds and infer what we desire. However, the less direct you are about what you want, the less likely you will get it!
3. Find balance
Modern relationships are the melting pot of opposing feelings such as safety and transcendence and the security of love within the fire of passion. Controlling both the tame and the erotic parts of our relationships is a delicate balancing act that most couples rarely achieve because:
Erotic intensity waxes and wanes, and sometimes desire disappears completely, but given sufficient attention, couples can bring passion back
Love requires knowing your partner while realising they are also a mystery
Love is about creating security while staying open to the unknown
Eroticism requires an active engagement and the wilful intent of both partners
4. Be kind and positive
Because most people feel vulnerable about whether they’re attractive to their partner and a ‘good’ lover, the key to talking about sex is not to criticise your partner. There is no reason to be judgemental. We’re not talking about anything ‘bad’ in our relationship. We’re brainstorming and sharing our perspectives on how we can make a good thing even better.
Many of us feel embarrassed at times about our bodies or our performance. Adding judgement to the mix will only block the romance. We’re not talking about fixing something broken, merely coming up with new ways of loving each other. That comes from both partners sharing their honest perspectives on what they need.
5. Be patient with each other
Based on upbringing and background, they may have feelings of shame connected to enjoying sex and therefore find it difficult to acknowledge, much less find their voice to express what they sexually desire and need.
If this is your situation, it’s best to go slowly.
Maybe start with you each talking about your feelings concerning sex: what messages you received as children, your conflicts about it etc., before delving into specifics about your likes or dislikes. Such a discussion can enhance your sense of safety and intimacy with each other.
If you’re ashamed of your desires, you’re ashamed of yourself. When a relationship works well, it’s because both partners respect the sexual nature of each other.
It’s crucial for couples to find time to talk about this. Maybe it’s after sex. Perhaps it’s a pre-planned conversation with a glass of wine. You pick the time, but openly discussing your desires and what you want to experience in your sex life with your partner will significantly improve your relationship and your health.
6. Be accommodating
Sexuality is incredibly malleable, so it is possible to make accommodations for each other’s desires that will be pleasurable for both of you. Amazing sex requires both partners to figure out what feels good and safe and what doesn’t. Remember that your sexual exploration is consistently building trust and intimacy between you.
7. Use a curious and soft approach
Softened start-ups assure that your conversation will be received with less resistance. Kindness and caring towards each other will help you seek understanding of each other’s perspectives and desires. Be non-judgmental in your listening, as you're not talking about a ‘problem’; you're talking about making something ‘good’ even better. Be curious: we don’t know what we don’t know. Exploring new things with the one you love is what makes it fun and nervous at the same time!
8. Have sexually enhancing conversations
Improving your sex life doesn’t happen overnight. Make an intentional effort to continue talking about sex in your relationship. Ask questions and be curious about your partner’s deepest desires. If this is new for you or ‘edgy’, honour that, be open and vulnerable and explain that’s the case because there’s a good chance it might feel uncomfortable.
Doing so will allow your partner to openly express what they need to feel loved and keep you attuned to each other’s needs, leading to emotionally connected and fulfilling sex life.
A relationship is a vessel that embodies both security and adventure in a commitment that offers one of life’s most lavish luxuries: time!
Relationships are not the end of romance; they’re the beginning. You get years to deepen your connection, experiment, fail, and start over.
Cherish each other, nurture your relationship, contribute positively, be mindful of your dialogue and create space to talk about the quality of your relationship, including sex. You’ll enjoy many more deeply connected years together.
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Amanda & John, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Amanda & John are known as 'The Couple Whisperers' and as a couple themselves, know what it takes to maintain emotional connection, no matter what's happening in life. As coaches in their own right, Amanda & John decided to combine their skills, to help couples reconnect, tune up their relationship and deepen connection. Having delivered face-to-face workshops, webinars, 1:1 couple coaching and as podcast guests, their approach of warmth, understanding and empathy set them apart. Their mantra is 'Love Your Relationship' and if you don't know how, they can show you the way!
