How To Shift The ADHD Perfectionism Narrative
- Nov 8, 2024
- 5 min read
As a fellow ADHDer, experienced Occupational Therapist and Certified ADHD Coach, Mary Zhang, founder of Hesed ADHD, is dedicated to supporting ADHDers release shame, cultivate a kind awareness of their distinct brain wiring, and get stuff done while creating space to explore their many passions and to flourish in life with confidence.
Perfectionism is often mistaken for ambition or “just giving our very best.” For many ADHDers, though, it can feel like a never-ending game of internal tug-of-war, a relentless urge to bring an ideal vision to life, perfecting every detail as if it could shield us from judgment, criticism, or failure not just from others but also from within ourselves. Brené Brown powerfully illustrates that perfectionism is like “a 20-tonne shield,” something we believe protects us but actually often leaves us hidden, unseen, and afraid of being fully ourselves.
Why we use perfectionism as a shield
For many of us with ADHD, perfectionism feels like essential armor. Perhaps you recognize that inner part of yourself the one that learned early on to strive for a certain (nearly unreachable) standard in order to feel acceptable, capable, or simply enough. Over time, external criticism becomes internalized, carrying a subtle but powerful message: “If you can just do everything perfectly, you’ll finally be worthy.”
As Brené Brown explains, perfectionism is rooted in shame, the fear of being fundamentally flawed and not good enough. Shame doesn’t say, “I made a mistake”; it says, “I am a mistake.” For many ADHDers, years of hearing messages like “focus more,” “pay attention,” or more painful accusations like “you’re just lazy,” “you never listen,” or “How can you be so careless?” create a deep and lasting imprint. These repeated messages tell us we’re somehow less capable, unworthy, or deeply flawed in character. In response, we find ourselves in a seemingly never-ending perfectionism cycle, desperately hoping to protect ourselves from ever feeling “not enough” again.
But unlike healthy striving, perfectionism isn’t actually about growth or excellence. It’s a defense against vulnerability a false promise that if we can just do everything right, we’ll stay safe from the consequences of failure. Yet, the reality is, when we inevitably fall short, that perfectionistic voice whispers, “See? If only you’d been closer to perfect, this wouldn’t have happened.”
How ADHD perfectionism leads to burnout
For those of us with ADHD, perfectionism often morphs into an all-or-nothing mindset. It’s that drive to go big or go home. If it’s not 100%, why even bother? This mentality can be exhilarating at times, especially when hyperfocus kicks in and a spark of motivation finally ignites. In those moments, we feel unstoppable, ready to tackle anything and many ADHDers have indeed achieved remarkable things, particularly under heavy pressure.
But beneath this drive, there seems to be a deeper urge to prove ourselves a quiet (or sometimes overwhelmingly loud) need within to compensate for years of feeling misunderstood, blamed, or invalidated. It’s almost as if we’re trying to erase a lifetime of “almosts” and “not-quite” by aiming for something extraordinary.
So we set ambitious, seemingly well-meaning, but unrealistic intentions that feel thrilling at the moment. But the cost is often high: this intense all-or-nothing approach frequently leads to burnout, self-doubt, and a deeper cycle of shame when we inevitably fall short time after time. And still, the perfectionistic voice lingers, whispering, “You can do better. You have to show (to yourself or others) you’re capable of reaching the impossible flawlessly.” Even if we manage to reach that ideal, the voice never seems to rest, pushing us further: “Is this truly enough? You can do even better; there must be no trace of error.”
And we press on, withholding celebration and satisfaction because, along with that “perfectionism shield,” we’ve buried the permission to savor success and find joy in the journey.
3 ways to move beyond perfectionism
If this resonates with you and you feel like you might have been trapped under a “perfectionism shield”, please know that you are not alone. It’s a deeply ingrained response, as we now know, out of self-protection, and loosening its grip takes time, understanding, and self-compassion. Here are some gentle ideas to help you navigate this journey with kindness:
Practice self-compassion
Shame cannot survive in the same space as self-compassion. When that internal voice insists, “This isn’t good enough,” try responding with kindness. Imagine speaking to a friend: “I’m doing my best, and that’s enough.” Over time, this practice can begin to quiet the perfectionistic voice that feeds on self-criticism.
Set “good enough” intentions
Shift from perfection to progress; instead of aiming for flawless outcomes, set intentions that honor your effort and growth. For example, rather than writing a perfect report or crafting an ideal website, set an intention to complete a draft that communicates your core ideas with a “minimal variable product” approach. Reducing the pressure of perfection through trial and progress can lead to a more sustainable and fulfilling journey.
Cultivate mindful awareness
Perfectionistic thoughts often arrive uninvited and unintentionally. By practicing mindfulness, even briefly, allows you to notice these thoughts and to create enough space for alternative choices and thought patterns. When perfectionism arises, pause, acknowledge it, and remind yourself it’s just one part of you, not the whole story. If you can, invite this part to your dinner table and ask what it might really need. Is it exhausted? Overwhelmed? Maybe it’s ready for a gentle rest so you can find space to reconnect with your true values and move forward with purpose, clarity and peace.
Permission to be imperfect
Perfectionism may feel like an old friend, but as the research is showing us, it’s a companion that often holds us back more than it lifts us up. Consider pausing to reflect on your personal definition of success and satisfaction, whether it’s truly from a flawless result or from actually giving yourself permission to be fully human, with all imperfections and all, with understanding and kindness.
As a recovering perfectionist myself, I won’t pretend writing this was easy. I felt the urge to polish each word to make this article “perfect.” But I’m learning that sharing imperfect work can be a powerful way to connect with others especially on such a vulnerable narrative. If you’re ready to start letting go of that “20-tonne shield”, I am cheering for you and walking this journey with you. Every step you take toward self-compassion is a step away from perfectionism’s heavy weight and a step toward a life filled with more clarity, joy, and inner peace.
Read more from Mary Zhang
Mary Zhang, OT/ADHD Coach | Founder Hesed ADHD
Coach Mary Zhang brings a unique blend of professional expertise and personal insight as a fellow ADHDer, Occupational Therapist and Certified ADHD Coach. She is the founder of Hesed ADHD, a stand-out holistic online ADHD Coaching and Occupational Therapy platform dedicated to supporting ADHDers and their loved ones. Through fostering a collaborative approach, she empowers each individual in discovering practical strategies that works best for their unique brain wiring, deepening self-awareness, and advocating for their strengths, all while honoring their diverse life experiences.
