How To Practice Self-Compassion And Self-Care After Trauma Even When It Feels Impossible
- Brainz Magazine
- Jul 8
- 7 min read
Written by Ylwa Woxmark, Equine-guided Recovery Coach
Ylwa Woxmark is a certified and accredited coach and the founder of The Horse Sanctuary in Sweden, where horses with mental and physical traumas are healed. After the healing process, the horses assist her in helping people with the same challenges. She is also the author of the Horsiquette book, published in 2023, together with her husband, Mats.
After experiencing trauma, many of us are left feeling raw, disconnected, and deeply alone even when surrounded by others. Self-care may sound like a luxury, and self-compassion might feel entirely out of reach. But what if the most essential part of healing isn't pushing through it but learning to stay gently with ourselves?
I write this not just as a coach and an equine-guided recovery coach, but as a survivor of a psychologically abusive relationship with a partner who exhibited psychopathic traits. The road back was brutal, layered with betrayal, hypervigilance, and a profound inability to trust even myself. I know what it's like to freeze in fear at night, to question every decision, and to wonder if you’ll ever feel safe again.
But healing is possible. Slowly. Gently. Often in unexpected ways. For me, it began when I stopped trying to “get over it” and instead learned to sit quietly with myself and with a horse who never asked me to be more than I was in that moment.
In this article, I’ll share tangible ways to begin offering yourself care and kindness in the aftermath of trauma. You’ll also meet members of the horse herd at the Horse Sanctuary in Sweden, whose silent wisdom often says what words cannot.
What is self-compassion, and why is it essential in trauma recovery?
Self-compassion is not indulgence. It’s not about pity, perfection, or “positive vibes only.” In the context of trauma, self-compassion is a radical act of survival. It means choosing to meet your pain with presence rather than judgment. It means pausing to offer warmth when your inner world is frozen. Psychologist Dr. Kristin Neff defines self-compassion through three key elements:
Mindfulness: being with what is, without over-identifying
Common humanity: remembering you are not alone
Self-kindness: treating yourself with the same warmth you’d offer a dear friend
When trauma strikes, whether it's a sudden event or a slow buildup of emotional harm, our nervous system instinctively responds to protect us. These responses are often labeled fight, flight, or freeze. They are not choices. They are survival strategies hardwired into our body’s ancient biology.
A fight is when your system gears up to protect you by becoming assertive or aggressive. You might feel irritable, angry, or ready to defend yourself even when no one is attacking.
Flight makes you want to escape. You might feel anxious, restless, or unable to settle. Constant movement, overworking, or distracting yourself can be signs of this.
Freeze is when the body shuts down to keep you safe. You might feel numb, paralyzed, exhausted, or disconnected as if life is happening at a distance and you’re just watching.
These are normal responses to abnormal situations. And they don’t mean you’re broken.
They mean your body did exactly what it was designed to do, to protect you. And it continues to do so until your nervous system feels safe again. This can take years after experiencing trauma.
Horses live by the same rules
At The Horse Sanctuary, the herd offers a living mirror of these instinctive patterns. Horses, as prey animals, rely on fight, flight, and freeze to survive in the wild.
A horse sensing danger might flee suddenly (flight).
If cornered, they might kick or bite to defend themselves (fight).
In moments of overwhelming threat, they may stand completely still, appearing calm but frozen inside (freeze).
But here’s the beautiful part: horses also show us what healthy recovery from these states looks like. After a scare, a horse will often shake, snort, or sigh, physically discharging the stress from its body. Then it goes back to grazing, back to presence, back to safety.
Humans, too, are built for that return. But we often get stuck. We override our impulses. We judge our reactions. We try to power through.
Self-compassion is how we come home
The horses have taught me that you don’t have to force yourself out of trauma responses. You can befriend them.
When you place a gentle hand on your chest and say, “I see you. You’re doing your best,” you’re helping your nervous system come down from alert. You’re sending the message that you’re not alone anymore.
And when you sit with a calm horse who asks nothing of you, not even words, you may feel your breath deepen. Your body softens. Your freeze begins to thaw.
That’s the power of shared regulation, heart coherence. That’s the gift of the herd.
Self-care after trauma: It’s not all bubble baths and breathing exercises
In trauma recovery, self-care can be quiet, fierce, messy, and deeply personal. It may not always look like what Instagram tells you it should. Sometimes, self-care is canceling plans. Sometimes, it’s going outside to cry where the wind can hold you.
At The Horse Sanctuary, our horses reflect this back to us. They don’t pretend. They don’t force healing. They rest when tired, move when something needs to shift, and seek connection when it feels right. Watching them, we remember that care begins with truthfulness.
Practical ways to show yourself love when you feel least lovable
1. Pause before pushing through
Trauma often programs us to “just keep going.” But horses don’t override their body’s signals, and neither should we. Take three conscious breaths. Ask yourself: What do I need right now? Where in my body do I feel this pain or anxiety? Even if no answer comes, the asking matters.
With the herd: When Fayaz, a sensitive gelding, hesitates before stepping forward, he isn’t being difficult, he’s listening inward. He reminds us that honoring hesitation is not weakness; it’s wisdom.
2. Name what’s real, without shame
Compassion starts with naming what hurts, not to wallow, but to witness. Try writing a few lines each morning:
“Today I feel.”
“I’m noticing”
“What I need is.”
With the herd: Jeenial, our herd leader, observes with depth and calm. He never rushes to react. When we sit beside him with our feelings, we’re reminded: truth doesn’t need to be fixed. It just wants space to breathe.
3. Offer yourself warmth tangibly
When we’re overwhelmed, kindness needs to be physical. Wrap yourself in a blanket. Hold your own hand. Place one hand over your heart and breathe into it. This simple act begins to rewire the nervous system with signals of safety.
With the herd: Basse, a nurturing gelding, will often stand close and gently touch his muzzle to your chest. His quiet presence says more than words ever could: You’re not alone. You are worth caring for.
4. Let nature regulate your system
Trauma recovery is not only psychological; it’s physiological. Being in natural environments, especially around grounded animals, supports nervous system regulation. Take a walk. Sit on the earth. Watch how the trees move. Let your body remember: the world is still turning. You’re still here.
With the herd: After one of our participants shared a painful memory, Vitnos, a mare who has had a hard time trusting people, walked up and exhaled softly into her hands. The woman began to cry. “She let me know I didn’t have to hold it all alone,” she said.
5. Set soft boundaries with strength
Saying no is self-care. Especially when your capacity is low, it’s okay to not answer messages, not explain everything, and not “perform” healing for others. You have to protect your own energy and boundaries.
With the herd: Herd members clearly communicate their limits with pinned ears, turned backs, or subtle shifts in posture. Boundaries here are not punishments. They are invitations to respect.
Barco, one of our most grounded horses, reminds us that it’s possible to listen deeply without losing yourself. He meets others with presence, not absorption, showing us how to stay rooted in who we are while still being open to connection.
So it should be in our lives too: boundaries are not walls but bridges to healthier, more honest relationships, starting with ourselves.
What self-compassion is not
It’s not avoiding hard feelings
It’s not telling yourself, “it could be worse.”
It’s not waiting until you feel better to start caring for yourself
Self-compassion is choosing to treat yourself with reverence, even when your inner critic is loud, even when you feel like a burden, even when all you’ve done is survive the day.
Zäta, one of the geldings in the herd, shows us this truth with quiet certainty. He no longer feels the need to prove himself or perform to earn his place. He simply is resting, observing, being his wonderful self. And still, he belongs. Still, he is loved.
In his presence, we remember that we have the right to exist without performing. To be met with care not because of what we do, but because of who we are.
You deserve your own gentleness
At The Horse Sanctuary, we see it again and again: the moment someone dares to soften, to drop the armor, even just a little something shifts. A sigh. A tear. A quiet moment of stillness. That’s when healing begins.
Because healing doesn’t demand that you’re fixed, better, or “over it.”
It begins when you choose to meet yourself with honesty and tenderness.
You don’t need to be more productive to deserve rest. You don’t need to have all the answers to feel peace. You don’t need to force yourself to move on just to be worthy of compassion.
The horses mirror this truth. They don’t hurry. They don’t push past discomfort or pretend to be fine. When they’re unsure, they pause. When they’re afraid, they shake or run or freeze, and then, when it’s safe, they return. Slowly. Gently. On their own terms.
This is the invitation:
To stop rushing your pain away.
To stop measuring your worth by how quickly you recover.
To begin listening, not to the expectations of the world, but to the quiet truth within you.
The horses aren’t asking you to hurry. Neither are we. Why not try to find this place where you can exhale, feel, and simply be, just as you are.
Your next step
If you're navigating trauma and seeking a grounded, compassionate path forward, I invite you to join one of our upcoming Presence & Herd Sessions at The Horse Sanctuary or connect with me for gentle, intuitive equine-guided recovery coaching. Let’s find your way back to yourself, one breath at a time.
Read more from Ylwa Woxmark
Ylwa Woxmark, Equine-guided Recovery Coach
Ylwa Woxmark, certified and accredited coach and equine-guided recovery coach, has healed from childhood traumas and abusive relationships. She is today dedicated to helping people change their perspective on traumas to be able to see their strengths and to find their life purpose. She is the founder of The Horse Sanctuary in Sweden, where former traumatized horses assist her in coaching people with the same challenges. Her mission: Allow yourself a second chance.
