Written by Clair Lamb, Woman's Empowerment Coach
Clair is a woman's empowerment coach specialising in healing after narcissistic relationships. She is the founder of Ciel Healing (rebranding to Rise as A Goddess Coaching) as the business expands.
The term ‘narcissist’ is one that is often banded around in society today and has a risk of being overused, such as in reference to anyone who is particularly difficult. However, if you’re up against a narcissist there are some telling signs. If you find yourself having to constantly prove yourself, advocate for yourself even though you know you have done nothing wrong, question your own memory because the other party is telling a version of events different to the one you know you remember and they have a desire to control, you’re likely up against a narcissist.
Has media shaped women’s ‘place’ in society?
For generations, women have historically been suppressed in society. ‘Traditional’ gender roles were often reinforced by the media, promoting the image of women as homemakers and caregivers, often portraying them in advertisements, films, and literature as subordinate to men. It placed emphasis on domestic skills, marriage, and motherhood as the primary roles for women and discouraged independence or professional ambitions. During WWII, women were needed to fill the roles of men who were needed to go to war. However, once the war had ended, media campaigns often promoted a return to domestic life to make room for returning male soldiers in the workforce.
Gender inequality and narcissism
The role of narcissism in gender inequality is often overlooked due to cultural conditioning that celebrates certain traits in men, such as confidence, assertiveness, and authority. These traits are frequently framed as admirable leadership qualities. Unfortunately, this perspective can obscure the darker side of such behaviors, which may manifest as manipulation and control. As a result, the subtle but harmful ways narcissistic individuals undermine women, such as through gaslighting, dismissiveness, and exploitation, are often unnoticed or dismissed. This dynamic reinforces cycles of inequality.
Narcissism and family dynamics
It’s now well recognised that trauma and family traits can be passed down through generations. There is even evidence of people living today suffering from PTSD due to the holocaust even though they were not in physical existence at that time. It’s in our DNA. Therefore, it’s my belief that women today are still feeling the effects of this generational suppression. This suppression leads to The Good Girl Syndrome – where women, often from a young age – are conditioned to prioritize pleasing others, following rules, and conforming to societal expectations. It’s further reinforced from generational rules where ‘children should be seen and not heard’, ‘only speak when spoken to’. Women as young girls learn to always put others first and that their voice doesn’t matter.
Six ways the ‘good girl syndrome’ shows up in your life
1. Toxic relationships
Women who have been pre-disposed to avoid conflict, not speak up for herself for fear of rocking the boat and being seen as difficult, or fear of disappointing others can lead them into toxic relationships where the dynamic is one of manipulation and control. By continually compromising her own needs and desires to avoid conflict or disappointment, she becomes a passive participant in a relationship that lacks mutual respect and healthy communication.
2. Fear of rejection and suppression of self
The Good Girl Syndrome stems from a deep fear of rejection or disapproval. Women with this mindset may feel that their value is tied to how much they are liked or needed by others, leading to the suppression of their authentic selves.
3. Self-sacrifice
Women with the Good Girl syndrome have learnt to place others’ needs above their own, thereby sacrificing their own needs or desires. This often leads to overcommitting to responsibilities for fear of saying no, neglecting personal desires, or tolerating mistreatment to avoid conflict or disappointment.
4. Difficulty setting boundaries
Since they have never learnt to healthily assert themselves and communicate their needs clearly, women with the Good Girl Syndrome often having difficulty setting boundaries. They have learnt that it’s selfish to say no or put themselves first.
5. Perfectionism
As a young girl, this type of woman learnt that they needed to excel in their endeavours to be accepted, or gain approval and validation from their parents. If unhealed, she takes this into adulthood, never feeling she is ‘good enough’ and can lead to overwhelm or burnout.
6. Conflict avoidance
Women with the Good Girl disposition usually have a reluctance to disappoint others for fear of confrontation, and suppressing their feelings. They avoid “negative” emotions such as anger, frustration so as not to be responsible for upsetting someone.
The good girl syndrome and narcissism
These two behaviours seem to go hand in hand. The ‘Good Girl’s fear of authority, conflict avoidance, need for external validation and reluctance to upset others is what feeds the narcissist. The Good Girl tolerates bad behaviour to avoid conflict, prioritising the needs of others over their own. Her tendency to second guess and blame herself makes her susceptible to manipulation and gaslighting by the narcissist, therefore reinforcing the power imbalance.
5 ways to overcome 'good girl syndrome' & generational suppression
1. Identify underlying limiting beliefs
Limiting beliefs can be passed down through the family line, so the beliefs you are carrying may not even belong to you. With professional help, it is possible to identify the core belief, such as ‘I am not worthy’ or ‘my voice doesn’t matter’ that are keeping you stuck in these cycles and eradicate them for good.
2. Learn self-expression
For those who have been taught from a young age that it’s not safe to speak up, this is a difficult one to do. Starting small is the key. Express an opinion on something, share how you’re feeling without fear of how the other person will react. Practicing in a small group of friends where it feels safe at first will help.
3. Start saying "no" instead of "yes"
Again a hard one to do if you’ve always said ‘yes’ when you mean ‘no’ to avoid conflict or to keep the peace, or if it has been met with some kind of punishment in the past so may take some practice. It builds boundaries and shows others that you’re no longer willing to tolerate less than you deserve.
4. Realign your values
Assess the values that are most important to you, such as honesty, integrity, compassion. Determine whether these are truly yours, or whether they belong to others but have been passed down the family line. Create new ones if necessary. Then consider how you may apply these to your daily life, put boundaries in place to ensure these values are not overlooked.
5. Be your biggest cheerleader
Creating boundaries and learning to express yourself may lose people along the way. This just means the role they played in your life no longer aligns to who you are becoming, and that’s okay. As the saying goes ‘“The only people who get upset about you setting boundaries are the ones who were benefiting from you having none.” If you haven’t been used to others advocating for you, it’s important to advocate for yourself and stand strong in your values and beliefs.
Reclaiming your voice
In conclusion, for generations, women have been conditioned to prioritise the needs of others, suppress their feelings,, and accept limited roles, all while internalising expectations of perfection and self-sacrifice. This leads to The Good Girl Syndrome, a lack of self-expression and conflict avoidance, which allows narcissistic behaviors to thrive. Narcissism fosters environments where undervalue their worth, their needs are neglected, and their voices are stifled.
In order to break free from these cycles and identify the core limiting beliefs, Reach out to me for guidance and support
Read more from Clair Lamb
Clair Lamb, Woman's Empowerment Coach
Clair is a dedicated women’s empowerment coach, specializing in helping women heal and rebuild their lives after narcissistic abuse. With a deeply personal journey of breaking free from toxic patterns, Clair combines her expertise with heartfelt understanding. Her mission is to guide women in transforming their wounds into wisdom, rediscovering their self-worth, and stepping boldly into the radiant, empowered lives they deserve.
