How to Give Yourself the Closure They Couldn’t Give You
- 6 days ago
- 8 min read
Updated: 17 hours ago
Written by Guy Van de Putte, Guide
Guy Van de Putte works as a guide for those looking for help navigating life's challenges or finding themselves at a crossroads. Blending shamanism, breathwork and constellation therapy with the non-dual and yogic traditions, he has a wide toolkit to support the power of presence and the healing words to accommodate lasting change.
A sudden break-up of a relationship can pull the rug from under the feet of even the toughest and strongest out there. It can feel like being struck by lightning on a clear summer day. Especially when there’s little to no explanation of why they departed or just retreated and left you standing out in the cold with more questions than answers.
I once heard the famous psychologist Alain De Botton say there should be laws obliging people to provide the maximum amount of closure when a relationship comes to an end. This might sound a bit much, and by no means would I like to give the impression that governments should involve themselves in these private matters, but it was expressed in the context of the implications a sudden discard can have on us. Heartbreak, not a “normal” break-up which knocks you off your feet for a few weeks, but real deep heartbreak can leave you out in the cold for several years, in terms of impact resembling severe disease. Therefore, it should be treated with the utmost care and compassion for all involved. It doesn’t even matter how long the relationship lasted. The intensity of it is more important, although both partners could have experienced that differently, of course.
It is, in fact, a sort of death. The death of the version of you in that relationship. The death of all the plans for that shared future you had. And we all know that an abrupt, unforeseen departure of a loved one leaves the relatives in a state of utter shock and despair. Unfortunately, in the case of a heartbreak, we’re so often told to get over it and move on. There are plenty of fish in the sea. So why would you even worry? And all you can think of is that one fish that got away, and for whom you would do anything to get it back. You feel yourself drifting in outer space, in the void. With no solid ground left under your feet. Every time you hit rock bottom, there seems to be an even deeper level underneath you that you hadn’t discovered before. You want it to stop. You wonder why, you want answers. You need closure.
Probably, you want them back more than you want closure because that will make the pain go away, like waking up from a nightmare. “Thank God, it was all just a bad dream”. But if that’s not an option, you at least need a good reason as to why you have to now go through all of this. Yet deep inside, you hope. You hope that if you knew the reason why, you could do or say something to change their mind. Unfortunately, we don’t always get an explanation, or at least not one that makes sense to us. It’s easy to get lost in our minds at times like that. We overthink, try to remember every word, every detail. We’re looking for clues, hoping to get some clarity in the mess we’re in. Digging deeper doesn’t lead to anything, somewhere deep down, we know that. But the mind wants answers, wants to feel in control again. Now, however, is a time to give the mind a break and let it rest. To address the mind and take over from the endless stream of thoughts coursing through your head. But then what can we do?
Stop blaming yourself
You start analyzing the relationship and everything that has occurred. Maybe you go into therapy, talk to a friend, or start searching the web. You remember situations where you could have acted differently. You start recognizing patterns that have disclosed themselves in previous relationships as well. You learn about your attachment style and love language. Maybe you’re too needy or too distant. You might discover a fear of abandonment or commitment. You might not like what you find out about yourself, about your shadow self, as Carl Jung called it. Whatever you find out, don’t use it as a weapon against you, but be grateful for the mirror.
You can now see your own patterns and deep inner beliefs more clearly, so you can finally start to heal them. And the way to heal them is by being fully present with them. To recognize them without judgment. To allow every emotion without fighting it. To sit with yourself like you would with a sad or angry child. Feel it all, but don’t get lost in it. Or in the story in your head. The story where you messed up, where you’re a failure who’s incapable of love. Witness your mind, comfort it, but don’t allow it to take over. Learn from what has happened and remind yourself that you couldn’t have acted any differently. Now you do, because you have had the experience and the insights. Now you have a choice, once you integrate the lessons.
Get them off the pedestal now
They are not perfect, otherwise you wouldn’t find yourself in the situation you’re in. You held up a mirror for them, as well. Maybe you have uncovered some of your own patterns, but they have theirs too. And it’s not your fault they didn’t like what they saw in the mirror. You have triggered their old wounds in the same way they triggered yours. And this may sound like the least romantic statement ever, but that is the real purpose of relationships. To show both partners where they are still bound to the pain from the past.
The harsh truth is, they can’t give you the closure you need. That might sound too easy, like letting them off the hook. But they’re completely caught up in their own story. In their old hurts that they might not even be aware of. They’re possessed by it. And that won’t be solved by you telling them what their problems are. Unless they ask, chances are close to zero that they will be receptive to it. For the mind, it’s clear as water, if only they would see their own patterns, it can all be fixed. But healing is something we all do in our own timeframe. And you can only do it for yourself.
So start looking back on the relationship with new eyes, with a new perspective. Often, we fall in love with potential. With how they could be. But that doesn’t always come to fruition. Let go of the potential and look at the facts. Did they really show up for you? Were they emotionally available? How was the communication? How fast did they reply? How much time did they really want to spend with you? How deeply were you allowed into their life? Did you have to walk on eggshells? Think about which words to use, what to do. Which red flags did you ignore to keep the relationship going? So you wouldn’t be abandoned again? Asking yourself these questions will paint a new picture of the relationship and give you a clearer image of what you truly desire and deserve in the future.
Focus on yourself
Does it really help you to see all their posts and stories? Who are they with? Have they moved on? What are they doing? You’re rereading old messages, looking for clues. Where did it go wrong? What could I have done differently? It gives you a false sense of control over the situation, while all you can really do is surrender.
So when you feel the urge arise to check their social media profiles, take a deep breath and relax. Again, ask yourself questions. Address your mind. Is this really helping me in any way? What do I get out of this? Think of all the time, energy, and attention you’re still investing in them by doing so. Put the focus back on yourself. What are your goals for the future? Which little step can you take today to bring you closer to your hopes and dreams? Although it might be hard to see, there is a gift in the situation. And that gift is that you now have time to focus all of your attention on yourself and your vision for the future.
Ask yourself what you can give yourself in the moment. Treat yourself to nice things, be present with yourself. Like you would for a friend who was going through the same. Get some fresh air, go out in nature, move your body, or cook yourself a nice meal. You deserve it. Love yourself in a way that you don’t need anyone else’s love and validation anymore. And you will become the safe partner everyone wants to be with. So you can enter into a new relationship as a new version of yourself. One that doesn’t put any pressure on a partner to give them the validation that they are lovable. Because you have found that in yourself and you’re now able to provide for your own needs. Therefore, something new can arise, a new relationship based on unconditional love.
Give yourself time, be gentle with yourself
Allow time to heal your wounds. The same way your body heals itself, time will heal your wounds. But you have to allow it by not ripping the band-aid off and stirring it all up over and over again. By thinking about them, obsessing over them. There’s no timeframe for healing. Depending on how emotionally invested you were and how abrupt the ending was, it could take a long time. But don’t focus on that. Only focus on the present moment and what you can do for yourself now. It will go with ups and downs. And sometimes you’ll feel like you relapsed. Don’t judge yourself for it. You’re doing your best. Remind yourself of that constantly. Even when you feel like you’re going around in circles, you’re still doing your best. Forgive yourself, try to forgive them.
Honor the relationship you have had, the partner you have parted with. Then your pain and suffering could transform into the biggest personal growth and transformation you have ever encountered. To heal yourself from all the old wounds from the past that go back to the beginning of your life. To uncover the best version of you. and to stand completely in your power as You, the real you. Then what a legacy they’ll have left by what they have done to you. That’s the gift, that’s the potential.
Read more from Guy Van de Putte
Guy Van de Putte, Guide
Guy Van de Putte works as a guide for all those looking for help navigating life's challenges or finding themselves at a crossroads. His passion is helping people who are ready to wake up go beyond the stories and patterns that unconsciously run their life. Thereby helping them to debunk the lies they told themselves, that are at the root of all the drama in their life, and take back the power over their own lives. So the old wounds from the past can be permanently healed and a new life of true freedom can emerge out of that. A fulfilled life in service off and in harmony with their true calling.
