How Not Meeting the Threshold Helped Us Build a Better Support System
- 2 days ago
- 7 min read
Written by Kathy Cook, Director, Now Then Coaching
Kathy is Director of Kathy Now Then Coaching, drawing on 15 years’ experience as a teacher, SENCo, Assistant Educational Psychologist, Young person coach, and parent. She supports families to rebuild relationships and help young people thrive amid the evolving pressures of today's education system.
Asking the system to notice the "quiet" or "passive" children felt like I was hitting my head against a brick wall. So, I did what once felt unthinkable, I built something different. Reaching out for support is a vulnerable step, and I want you to know you're not alone in that feeling. Many parents experience the emotional weight of asking for help, especially when told we didn’t meet the threshold. Your feelings are valid, and support is possible.
I attended GP appointments, reached out to the school, and leaned on friends for an extra set of eyes when I felt I might be missing something. I did everything I could, and still, the answer was no. Receiving that response can feel disheartening, but for me, it became a turning point. Instead of stopping at "unsuccessful," I asked myself, "Ok, now what?" Because there is always a "what next." In truth, that "no" gave me an unfamiliar direction.
Barriers through pathways
As a teacher, SENCo, Assistant Educational Psychologist, and parent, I’ve seen, and completed, the lengthy forms that can become a barrier for so many. Have you tried this before? Have you completed that before this?
I understand the intention, we don’t want to jump to conclusions too quickly. But what if that instinct, often dismissed as "first-time mum syndrome", isn’t wrong? Diagnosis and medication should never be rushed, but seeking support is just that, seeking support. Long waiting lists and overstretched systems are not only failing individual children but also creating barriers that leave families feeling helpless and overwhelmed. Recognising these systemic issues helps us understand the real challenges families face.
Retraining
When I searched for the support we needed, I realised something important, it didn’t exist in the way families truly need it. Not yet. In that moment, I recognised that perhaps I was meant to be part of creating it.
I returned to training as a young person's life coach with a renewed sense of purpose. I saw a clear gap in the systems designed to support families, and I was determined to help bridge it. I felt like the bridge between education and families, putting the young person at the centre again.
The journey hasn't been straightforward. As a single parent, I had to make difficult decisions. My original plans shifted when they no longer aligned with the stability my children needed. I relied on Universal Credit to help us stay afloat. Eventually, I decided to move back in with my parents for a time, a choice that brought not only financial relief but also emotional safety. I no longer had to carry everything alone.
These experiences have given me insight I would never wish upon others, but they have strengthened my values in ways I am deeply grateful for. It’s easy to judge, assuming people are taking the easy route or seeking attention. But what if we reframed that? What we often call "attention-seeking" is, in reality, connection-seeking, and that sits very differently.
Reframing
If we begin to view people through a lens of understanding rather than judgment, everything changes. No one is born wanting to fail. Most people are simply trying to navigate systems that can feel complex, restrictive, and, at times, inaccessible.
The thresholds for support, and even acceptance, are often too narrow to truly see the individual behind the situation. I have sought support when I needed it. I have relied on systems designed to help during tough times. And yes, there has been judgment along the way. But I hold onto a quote that continues to ground me:
"Those who matter don’t mind, and those who mind don’t matter." – Dr. Seuss
This journey is the reason my business exists today.
About Now Then Coaching Ltd
Kathy built Now Then Coaching Ltd from lived experience, from recognising a gap, and from a deep belief that support should be simpler, more accessible, and free from stigma. The coaching programs, local community groups, and online resources provide practical support tailored to families' needs. Offering support that can make a real difference in navigating complex systems and finding the help you deserve.
The name Now Then comes from my late grandparents, a heartfelt reminder to focus on the present and believe in growth from every experience. Like the lotus rising from murky waters, it symbolises resilience, hope, and the endless possibility of change. No matter how difficult things seem now, there is always a path forward, and support can help you find it.
We shouldn't have to fight to be seen or prove enough need to deserve support. And we certainly shouldn't have to keep saying, "I'll be fine" when what we really mean is, "I'll try to cope on my own." Now Then Coaching services and community programs are designed to offer practical, compassionate support that empowers you to take the next step. You don't have to do this alone. Discover how our tailored approaches can help you and your child thrive. So, now then, what's your next move?
5 steps you can take to help your child who is experiencing anxiety today
Rephrasing words can make a small but important difference. Rather than anxious child, anxiety is a temporary experience and only lasts without the right support.
Morning affirmations: Set the tone for the day. Start the day with simple, positive affirmations. Try phrases like, "I can manage what comes my way" or "I am stronger than I think." This helps build self-belief and set a calm, optimistic tone. Remember, we learn more from our failures than our wins. Be proud and celebrate when you’ve overcome difficulties and found your own solution.
Nature breaks: Breathe and reset. Step outside for a 10-minute break. A short walk, listening to birdsong, or simply sitting under a tree can help reduce stress and bring your child back to the present moment. Even in poor weather, noticing the power of nature can be grounding.
Daily wins: Celebrate small successes. Create a "win jar" or journal. Each day, write down one thing your child did well, no matter how small. These shifts focus from perfection to progress and build confidence over time.
Mindful play: Unwind with creativity. Encourage creative outlets such as drawing, music, or building. These activities help channel anxious energy into something positive. Even five minutes can make a difference, especially during busy or pressured moments.
Bedtime gratitude: End the day with positivity. Before bed, share three things you’re grateful for. This simple habit promotes calm and helps your child focus on what’s going well. Try to save problem-solving discussions for earlier in the day rather than at the end of the day.
You’re the parent
Be a role model, try some of the steps and show your child they’re not alone. Small, consistent actions/messages can help turn anxiety into confidence and self-doubt into self-belief. Try these today and notice the difference.
I continue to support children in schools and strongly advocate for a joined-up approach that brings together the child, family, and the professionals around them. It takes a village to raise a child, and that same village is vital in supporting parents and carers too.
I’ve created a free space for parents and carers to connect and feel supported. The first parent/carer check-in Q&A will take place on Monday, 6th April, at 7:30 pm. You are very welcome to join, and it's free (no strings attached).
Bloom parenting
If you're feeling overwhelmed by unrealistic advice or the pressure to enjoy every moment, this space is for you. Bloom Parenting offers honest conversations, practical strategies, and meaningful support to help family life feel more manageable. Together, we focus on what truly helps:
Set realistic routines: You’ll be amazed at what a difference this makes.
Develop boundaries with warmth and consistency: Saying ‘no’ with love.
Understand child development: What is a realistic expectation?
Manage the mental load: With like-minded parents who ‘get it.’
Protect your own well-being: You need to look after yourself too.
Bloom is not about perfection or judgment. It is a supportive community where parents and carers can share ideas, learn, celebrate small wins, and feel less alone.
1:1 coaching and educational support
I offer one-to-one in-person coaching across North and North East Lincolnshire, as well as East Yorkshire, in the UK. I also work with education settings, including a local Alternative Provision. I support schools and adults in better understanding behaviour at both systemic and individual levels. Often, adults benefit from the space to pause, reflect, and explore what may be underlying the behaviours they are seeing.
Not all behaviour is loud or disruptive. Sometimes it is quiet, withdrawn, and easily missed, but it is still a call for support. No child is "bad." Moving beyond labels such as "naughty" or "disengaged" allows us to ask a more helpful question, "What might we be missing?"
Because when behaviour is misunderstood, everyone feels the impact.
Read more from Kathy Cook
Kathy Cook, Director, Now Then Coaching
Now Then Coaching takes its name from a warm greeting used by Kathy’s late grandparents and a reminder to focus on now, while growing from then. With experience across primary, secondary, and specialist settings, including Alternative Provisions, Kathy has supported families through both one-to-one coaching and educational support. She helps adults reframe how behaviour is understood, recognising that not all needs are loud or disruptive, some are quiet and easily missed. Kathy advocates for moving beyond labels such as “naughty” or “disengaged”, encouraging a more compassionate, curious approach that asks what a child may need rather than what they have done wrong.
