How Loss Became My Catalyst for Growth
Updated: Jun 30
Written by Roisin Laoise, Counsellor & Psychotherapist
Roisin Laoise is a Counsellor & Psychotherapist who combines professional expertise with lived experience to help readers navigate relationships, health, and personal growth and resilience.
We are often raised by people who define the ‘one’ as our destination of happiness, which validates our worth and silences our internal doubts. However, as a therapist, I have learned that this narrative often acts as a blind spot, causing us to idealise our partner at the expense of our own authentic growth. As I reflect upon my own journey, I am navigating the emotional turbulence of a significant separation while simultaneously working to fulfill my potential as a therapist. I realised that the pain of the loss was not just about the person I was missing, but the idealised future I had constructed around them, which is definitely a process of losing the person you thought you'd get married to and share children with. It has been a difficult period for me, but I have started to acknowledge that grief is healthy to go through and have learned not to be so hard on myself for losing someone important to me.
Grieving the future self
It has not been an easy ride since the separation, as it has required me to reconstruct my identity outside of the partnership, as the grief is much more about transformation as well as loss. The emotional surge also hits me sometimes when I want to reach out to my ex-partner, but I have to think about whether there is an actual need for their presence now that we have gone our separate ways. I think communication boundaries are something I have been making a priority, as they demonstrate to me that I can discipline myself, which is required for prioritising my long-term healing over short-term emotional comfort. The discipline is not easy when I want to reach out, but it isn't a punishment towards him or myself. It is a necessary step towards my future self and healing process. It is a normal psychological response to the loss of attachment.
So how do we reconstruct our identity after a loss? There are some steps I have been taking to try to reconstruct my identity moving forward, and I call them the small wins list. When we are in the throes of grief, the act of existing is more exhausting than I could have imagined. I found that recently, by creating the small wins list, I have started to acknowledge my daily accomplishments. Completing a professional task, like this one, took a lot for me to sit down and write again, as writing helps my grieving process because it allows me to detach and put some of my thoughts onto paper, and then it just flows. Shifting my focus to spending more time with my friends, training for a marathon, packing up my entire life to move across the other side of the world, and focusing on my career has allowed me to shift my focus from the magnitude of the loss to what I am currently capable of achieving, thus beginning to reclaim a sense of self worth that is independent of my past relationship.
Digital and communication boundaries
Boundaries are not a punishment but more so a necessary structure for protection. Implementing a pause, which includes taking time off certain messaging accounts that act as an emotional trigger, and committing to this no-contact rule allows me to prioritise long-term healing over short-term emotional relief. These boundaries create the stillness needed to observe my own internal turbulence, even though part of this grief is a turbulence of thoughts that are sometimes painful. I am learning that this part of grief is ok and that feeling the pain allows me to heal the best I can moving forward, without being swept away by the immediate urge to reach out to him.
Reclaiming personal space
Our physical environment often holds the blueprints of our past identity, and I found that I needed to shift that space in such a powerful way if I was ever going to heal from the people who held me to my past self. This signals a new chapter for me, as I am moving through the world on my own terms now. This process has been vitally important as I continue to navigate the logical and emotional preparations for my upcoming relocation. But one question people may ask themselves is whether we are running away from our past. I feel that sometimes our old lives, whether that's friends, family, or past relationships, hold us back, as we are tethered to our old routines and the expectations of who we used to be.
Relocating or changing your space isn't about running away from the past, it is about creating the distance required to introduce yourself to your future. When we step out of the physical and emotional environments that tether us to old routines, we give ourselves permission to untangle our identity from the "one" we lost. Separation forces us to dismantle the idealised future we built with someone else, but it also clears the ground for us to construct a reality that is entirely our own. Loss is an exhausting, turbulent process, and the discipline of healing is rarely linear. Yet, by implementing firm boundaries, celebrating the small wins, and reclaiming our space, we stop viewing grief as an ending. Instead, we allow it to become the ultimate catalyst, a painful but powerful invitation to step into our full potential, moving through the world entirely on our own terms.
Read more from Roisin Laoise
Roisin Laoise, Counsellor & Psychotherapist
Roisin Laoise is a Counsellor & Psychotherapist, specialising in relationships, mental health, physical wellbeing, and domestic abuse support. Drawing on both professional expertise and personal experience, she helps readers navigate emotional challenges, recognise unhealthy patterns, and build resilience. As a domestic abuse counsellor, she supports individuals in reclaiming their safety, confidence, and sense of self. Through her writing for Brainz Magazine, she provides practical guidance and insights to empower readers to trust themselves, set boundaries, and prioritise their overall wellbeing.
