Help – The Cringiest Four-Letter Word For Perfectionists
- Oct 7, 2024
- 5 min read
Written by Eva Benmeleh, Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Eva Benmeleh focuses on the multifaceted impact of perfectionism on individuals and their relationships. She is a clinical psychologist in private practice, educator on maternal mental health and perfectionism, and author of the book Sun and Moon Love Cloud: A book about divorce.
How many times have you felt a pang of discomfort when someone offered you help? Does the question, “How can I help you?” make you cringe, as if it's an attack on your capability? For many perfectionists, asking for help feels like admitting defeat. It’s as if accepting assistance signals a crack in the facade, a sign that we haven’t got it all figured out. This comparison trap—where you measure yourself against others—can lead to feelings of shame and inadequacy. It becomes easy to believe that needing help means you’re not good enough to handle everything yourself.
For perfectionists, the idea of help is often tied to the fear of falling short. When someone offers assistance, it’s not uncommon to interpret it as a critique: Am I not doing this right? What does needing help say about me?
My own struggles with help as a single mom and entrepreneur
As a divorced mom and a solo entrepreneur, I’ve personally wrestled with this dilemma. When a busy work week coincides with my children’s schedule, I often find myself in a juggling act - motherhood vs work. There are days when it feels impossible to be in two places at once, like attending a work meeting while simultaneously needing to pick up the kids.
In those moments, the perfectionist in me screams that I should be able to handle it all, and any failure to do so is a personal flaw. I’ve had to train myself to embrace alternative solutions, like carpooling or rescheduling a meeting. These are completely reasonable options, but they come with an internal struggle—the battle against the belief that I should be able to do it all alone.
Learning to ask for help has meant confronting deep-seated beliefs that you don’t reach the top without struggling and sacrificing all the way through, and that people don’t really want to help. It’s an emotional journey of breaking free from societal conditioning that says we must constantly compete instead of support one another. It also means breaking away from any martyrdom that clings to the idea that you must be a “pobrecita” to succeed and live the life you want.
Breaking the cycle of perfectionism
So, how do you overcome the urge to be perfect all the time? How do you start seeing help not as a weakness but as a strength? It starts with awareness.
Becoming aware of your thoughts
Awareness is the first step toward change, and it's a journey that never really ends. It’s about digging into why you feel the need to do everything perfectly, why certain situations trigger you, and how your thoughts shape your reactions.
You can start building awareness with a simple mindfulness practice. Pay attention to how you react when things don’t go your way or when someone offers assistance. Often, our first instinct is to blame external circumstances or other people for our stress. But what if you stopped and asked, What is this really about?
This won’t feel comfortable at first. In fact, it might be downright frustrating. When you start questioning your thoughts and behaviors, it can feel like getting to know yourself all over again. Be patient with this process, because it takes time. You may not get it right on the first try—or the second, or the third—and that’s perfectly okay.
Letting go of perfection
Challenge your perfectionistic beliefs by asking yourself: Is perfection really necessary? Start seeing mistakes not as failures, but as opportunities to learn and grow.
Instead of chasing an unattainable ideal, focus on setting realistic goals that prioritize progress over perfection. One way to do this is to categorize your tasks by importance and urgency, using tools like the Eisenhower Matrix to sort through your priorities.
Above all, practice self-compassion. Perfectionists are often their own harshest critics, but embracing kindness toward yourself can be transformative. Recognize that it's okay not to have everything perfectly balanced all the time.
Why asking for help is actually a strength
When you’re used to doing everything yourself, delegating feels uncomfortable. You may feel the urge to micromanage or the fear that things won’t be done the “right” way. But learning to let go is vital for your well-being and success.
The support you receive from others often mirrors the support you give yourself. If you’re constantly criticizing yourself for not being perfect, it’ll be hard to accept help without feeling like a failure. By becoming mindful of your own thoughts, you can shift that perspective. Asking for help doesn’t make you weak; it makes you wise enough to recognize when collaboration is more effective than going it alone.
Trusting your intuition
As perfectionists, we often mistake anxiety for intuition. But here’s how you can tell the difference: anxiety comes with a sense of urgency and fear—like something disastrous will happen if you don’t get it right. Intuition, on the other hand, is quieter. It’s that inner nudge, a feeling that tells you the next step without drama or panic.
By tuning into your intuition instead of your anxiety, you can make decisions that are aligned with what truly matters to you—not what you think others expect.
Moving forward with support
If perfectionism is taking a toll on your well-being, reaching out to friends, family, or a therapist can provide invaluable perspective. Sometimes, we’re so wrapped up in our own expectations that we need someone else to help us see the bigger picture.
It’s time to reframe your relationship with help. Help isn’t a sign of weakness—it’s a gateway to growth, connection, and self-compassion. In learning to ask for support, you’ll discover the power of vulnerability and the freedom that comes from letting go of the need to do it all perfectly.
If you’re ready to shed the weight of perfectionism, I’m here to guide you. Let’s work together to embrace imperfection, build a more balanced life, and discover the power of asking for help.
Read more from Eva Benmeleh
Eva Benmeleh, Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Eva Benmeleh focuses on the multifaceted impact perfectionism on individuals and their relationships. She is a clinical psychologist in private practice, educator on maternal mental health and perfectionism, and author of the book Sun and Moon Love Cloud: A book about divorce. She is committed to unraveling the polarities in pefectionism integrating the striving for personal growth with harmoious flow. She is committed to working with individuals open to compassionate yet astute feedback, expanding their awareness and making profound changes to the quality of their lives.
