Healing Heartbreak and 7 Steps to a Whole-Hearted State
- Jul 28
- 5 min read
Updated: 5 days ago
Cameron Tukapua coaches people to heal and transform their lives and relationships through conscious Self-care. Her offerings are based on four decades of clinical acupuncture and teaching experience. Cameron is the author of 'Heartfelt Living – How to Navigate Change and Healing: Your Ancient Wisdom Guide'.
Wondering why your heartbreak is hard to heal? In this article, a Chinese medicine practitioner introduces practical steps for reconnecting with your whole heart. This pathway explores how to use heartbreak to go deep within and connect with the essence of your true self. These seven steps offer insights into what you may feel when you are wounded by love. They can help you shift from a heart breaking to a heart awakening.
1. Allow time and space to attend to your depths
The heart is the home of our deepest sense of Self, which is why heart pain hurts. It can be brutal and savage. Like a cut from a scalpel, we feel it in our depths. With the right support, our deep scars become part of our life experience rather than the reference point for our existence.
There is no right or wrong way to heal our heart hurt. It is a highly individual journey. In clinical therapy, practitioners are trained to keep pace with a client’s healing process and meet them where they are.
Lasting healing takes time to fathom and integrate, so gently, gently is a healthy approach. It can be an up-and-down journey. Above all, be patient with yourself.
“We can’t go too deep, though we can go too fast.” Dr Samantha Jennings
2. Accept your hurt
In the early stages, heartbreak is likely to feel most intense. We can feel it physically in our chest, with tightness, tension, and difficulty breathing. Emotionally, we may feel extremely vulnerable. As the heart is our supreme ruler, when it is broken our thoughts can be racing, scattered, and ‘out of order’. All these signs are to be expected and allowed.
When you are raw and broken, stay safe. Notice who and what comforts you. It may be a belief, a person, a teaching, or a substance. In the acute phase, do what you need to do to get through it. Reevaluate as you move forward, and get help if you remain stuck in unhealthy self soothing behaviours. Resisting our pain and trying to escape never works long term. Our wounds are part of the human experience.
3. Collapsing duality
As many of us in the Western world have been brainwashed by 'good and bad,' 'right and wrong,' and 'should and shouldn’t' thinking, it is easy to avoid and deny what feels imperfect. Denying our hurt places creates tension in the system, as the self we like and the one we reject appear to be at war.
In broken states, we can think, 'If only I didn’t have this problem, I would be ok.' This creates tension between us and the problem, as though there were two of us. To collapse the tension, begin by accepting that our pain and whole self can exist together.
Roger Callahan, an American psychologist, observed that in chronic states of imbalance, people’s brains can default to searching for what is not working rather than what is.
Roger developed a simple technique called 'psychological reversal correction.' I’ve been using a version of this correction in my clinic for over two decades. As a practice, this simple acupressure and affirmation technique can help interrupt the 'I’m broken' self-reference point and reset homeostasis. It supports the search for balance, which is programmed into every cell of our being and is far stronger than any disease pattern.
4. Engage your higher self’s viewpoint, consider the context
The heart is the home of our highest consciousness, which acts as the 'fair witness' to our lives. In situations of heartbreak, it is wise to call upon this part of ourselves and look for higher points of view. Our hearts are attuned to love and they know what is real. It is important to be brave and to listen.
“When you ask people about love they will tell you about heartbreak” Brene Brown
When heartbreak responses are especially intense, the roots may be old traumas. We can recognise these by the depth and intensity of the feelings. Like high voltage electricity, there is often an extra charge to the sensations.
On the other hand, the intensity may be a natural, normal, healthy response to extreme stress, for example, the grief a mother feels when her child dies. In this situation, the natural order of life and death has been disturbed.
5. Practice compassion, lick your wounds
Treat and speak to yourself as you would your best friend, beloved partner, or family member. Give yourself space for the rawness of your heart pain to ease. Time is a compassionate healer.
Tend to your wound in loving, tender ways. For some, it is time alone, on retreat, to reflect and dive deep inside. For others, it is best to be surrounded by those who love you and with whom you can safely express your emotions. Accept your wound as a path to wisdom. In the future, when you look back, it will make more sense.
“Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.” From The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran
6. Tell the truth
If our heartbreak follows a relationship breakdown, it is an opportunity to reset and review. Sometimes, a relationship has simply run its course. When it is over, it is over. Relationships show us who we are now, and as they evolve, we evolve. Some were never meant to be long term.
In romantic relationships, 'love is blind,' and healthy discernment can easily vanish. When we want someone in our lives, we will make all sorts of excuses for 'out of order behaviour.' This can be an unconscious attempt to hold on to the dream of being in love.
Truth is like a sword. It cuts to the heart of our knowing. Truth telling starts with taking an honest look at how we show up in life and with others. When we tell the truth to ourselves about what we sense and feel and act accordingly, we come home to our authentic self. This is the hidden gift of heartbreak.
“Oh break my heart and do it again and again so I can love even more”. Sufi saying
7. Be you, be true, be courageous
The French word for heart is 'cœur,' which also means courage. If we stand by our heart’s depth of knowing and presence, we discover a sleeping power that lives within us. When we are pushed to the limits of our humanness, it is here that we find our divinity.
Our heart spirit has more power than we can ever imagine. Its light helps us see the purpose and meaning behind life’s happenings. Heartbreak is often a path to lasting heart awakening. Deep down, we know what we need to become the most whole version of ourselves.
“There comes a time in the spiritual journey when you start making choices from a very different place. And if a choice lines up so that it supports truth, health, happiness, wisdom, and love, it’s the right choice.” Dr Angeles Arrien, Cultural Anthropologist
If you resonate with these teachings I invite you to join me for a Heartfelt healing journey. Learn more about my livetime, interactive Masterclasses: 'Heartfelt Living' and 'Nourishing Roots'. For a deeper dive, individual wellbeing healing, and/or professional development support, join me for one to one coaching. Free yourself to be your Self.
Read more from Cameron Tukapua
Cameron Tukapua, Heartfelt Living Coach, Chinese Medicine Practitioner
Cameron Tukapua is a wellbeing coach who shares ancient wisdom teachings from Chinese Medicine, along with Qigong, Yoga, and Meditation practices. She helps people align the head and heart. Cameron has written a book called ‘Heartfelt Living', and her work has been featured in Thrive Global. She offers Individual coaching, online study pathways, and face-to-face wellbeing retreats.
