Grappling with Survivor’s Guilt
- Brainz Magazine
- 7 hours ago
- 6 min read
Written by Rachel Tamilio, Soul Coach
As a Soul Coach, Rachel Tamilio has a deep commitment to helping women realize and reclaim their power to live fulfilling, happy lives. She is a published writer, cancer survivor, and in 2022, launched the Off the Deep End Podcast, which features guests who share compelling stories of setbacks transformed into comebacks.
I am fairly certain that you or someone you love has been affected by cancer. Perhaps like me, you had relatives who died of cancer, but you also knew someone who survived it. Imagine the one that survived it calls you one day and says, “I’m sorry. I do not know why I survived.”
Crazy right? You would jump into action immediately, reassuring them that you are glad they survived and you would not want to be without them! As crazy as it sounds, many people who have a close call with death and survived it, experience this odd condition.
I did.
Learning by experience
Before my cancer diagnosis, I met a sweet older couple in the church I attended. When I was diagnosed with my cancer, Walter and Cheryl were some of many that wept and prayed with me. Shortly after my shocking diagnosis, Walter received his own. Six months later, he was gone and I was still alive. That was when my survivor's guilt set in.
Of course, I wanted to console Cheryl, but my inner dialogue told me I had no right. The overwhelming feeling drove me out of the funeral home and into the cold air. My thoughts raced and assailed me. “I had no right,” I thought, as Cheryl stood by her deceased husband’s coffin, grieving. This was my first experience with survivor's guilt. Before then, I did not know it existed.
What is survivors’ guilt?
From a clinical or psychological perspective, what is this phenomenon?
Wikipedia defines survivor’s guilt as follows:
A mental condition occurs when a person believes they have done something wrong by surviving a traumatic or tragic event when others do not. Currently, survivor's guilt is considered a symptom of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
In 2018, a study was conducted in the UK on people who had survived traumatic events and their relationship with feelings of guilt. They found that 90% of the participants experienced feelings of guilt when they had survived something where others died.
People most likely to experience survivors guilt
I conducted research as I began writing this article. I searched for true stories about other people who had experienced survivor’s guilt. It comes as no surprise that, in most cases, combat veterans have an intimate knowledge of the darkness of survivor’s guilt.
Imagine being in a plane, ship, or truck with your squadron, and you are all ambushed by an explosive device, but you are the only one that walks away, unscathed. You will go home to a loving family that is so grateful that you survived, but the other families will receive a knock at the door and a folded flag.
Other people who may experience survivor's guilt are as follows:
First responders
Transplant recipients
Parents who outlive a child
Witnesses to traumatic events
How do you know that what you or your loved one may be experiencing is survivor’s guilt? The following are some of the other signs that may accompany feelings of guilt:
Disconnected and helpless
Irritable and angry
Have obsessive thoughts about the event they witnessed or survived
Unmotivated and depressed
They may have trouble sleeping, frequent headaches, or stomach upset.
The worst cases of this condition may include thoughts about suicide.
More true stories
As I conducted research for this article, I stumbled upon an outdated blog full of timeless wisdom, written by a beautiful soul whom I have since had the pleasure of meeting virtually.
An outdated blog and an old soul
The best stories often begin with mystery. Britta’s story reeled me in immediately when I found it. Born and raised in midwestern US, Britta felt compelled to leave her little town in Minnesota and head to Serbia. There was no apparent explanation for this nudge in her soul, to leave everything and everyone familiar to her and go, but she did.
What unfolded was an incredible journey of meeting the war-weary people of Serbia and learning how to relate to people who know what combat, grief, loss and survivor’s guilt does to a soul.
When she launched her blog, her posts resonated primarily, with the combat veterans that found her. She told me that they were baffled by how she could speak deeply into survivors’ guilt when she had never been a combat veteran or in the military at all.
She lovingly and freely provided virtual presence for them when they needed someone to listen and understand. When I spoke with her, she said that the blog had not been updated in years, yet it was the first to appear on Google when I searched for true stories of survivor’s guilt.
She will be sharing her full story with me on my podcast in July.
Approaches for healing survivor’s guilt
It took me years to unravel and accept what happened to me in the way it did. I want to help you understand and heal much more quickly than I did.
Honor your pain
Perhaps I am wrong, but I think what you may need to hear the most, is that you are not alone. Sadness, grief, and loss are all painful realities of our lives, but numbing and suppressing the emotions or comparing what we have been going through to someone else, is not honoring our own pain. You cannot heal what you do not first acknowledge.
Give yourself grace
There is no set timetable for grief or loss. There is no formula. Contrary to popular opinion, time does not heal a thing. As you allow yourself to lean in and honor your pain, you will heal in time.
There is No “Answer”
Statements like “God only knows, or it is God’s will” are not at all helpful when you are hurting. It is natural to want to know how and why things happen the way they do. Sometimes, peace only comes in surrender and acceptance to what is and empowerment from lessons where they may appear, come later. In times of pain, it is crucial to focus on the power of now. You need all of your energy for what is, not what may have been.
What you can do to heal
Some survivors turn to art therapy, outdoor adventures, energy healing, and other modalities. This may be a good time to try something new.
Keep your brain busy and focus on life-giving activities.
Consider learning a new skill or hobby.
Transmute the negative energy of guilt into something that serves you and promotes healing.
Connect again (or for the first time) with your divine purpose. You are not a mistake, nor is anything you have endured been a waste. In time, you may want to repurpose your pain as part of your new chapter. Either way, spiritual connection is essential to moving forward.
Perhaps, a support group would be helpful in your healing journey. Psychotherapy, in combination with coaching, energy healing, and other forms of self-care, can aid in the healing process.
Healing is possible. “This too, will pass,” and until it does, you do not have to go through the pain and confusion alone.
Visit my website for more info!
Read more from Rachel Tamilio
Rachel Tamilio, Soul Coach
Rachel Tamilio has a track record of pushing through obstacles and turning them into trampolines that propel her forward to serve people ready to level up their lives, experience more freedom and fulfillment, and increase their energy. Helping people identify their unique purpose and unapologetically step into life aligned with their beliefs and values is what Tamilio has been doing since she survived her health crisis at the age of 30. She is a proud member of the American Writers and Artists Institute and launched a podcast and a blog to empower and inspire people to claim and experience their best health, abundance, and joy. One of her fundamental beliefs is that you have more power, promise, and potential than you can imagine.
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