From Surviving to Belonging – The Cross-Cultural Shift That Changes Everything
Jacqueline Rulander is a coach & trainer. She is the founder of Vetcraft Creative Studios, building self and cultural awareness competence in cross-cultural professionals and teams, and the founder of The Culture Bridge Association, which is committed to fostering healthy interactions between Swedes and 'new Swedes'.
Have you ever felt like a square peg in a round hole? If so, you are not alone. That sensation of feeling out of place is one that many people living cross-culturally understand. It’s one thing to feel like an outsider in unfamiliar circumstances; it is something completely different when you begin to doubt yourself over things that should be simple for an adult. For example, everyday conversations, basic social interactions, and navigating norms you don’t yet understand. This dissonance is one of the lesser-talked-about challenges of living cross-culturally.
While some might say they never felt this way when they moved abroad, for many of us, especially those who didn’t have a local guide or welcoming community, survival mode became our default setting.
The unspoken struggle: Why belonging matters
Humans are wired for connection. According to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, the desire for belonging becomes our most powerful motivator once basic needs for food and safety are met.
That drive can be so strong that we may override our values, desires, or cultural expressions to gain acceptance in a new context. When your behaviors or attributes, traits that once helped you thrive, seem to push people away, the natural reaction is to adjust. To adapt. To survive.
But living in survival mode is not sustainable.
What survival mode looks like
When living cross-culturally, survival mode can manifest as:
Constant self-monitoring
Suppressing your personality to “fit in”
Fear of being misunderstood or marginalized
Adapting at the expense of authenticity
Survival mode may look high-functioning on the outside, i.e., you are working, making friends, and learning the language. On the inside, however, you are walking on eggshells, second-guessing your words, and trying to present the correct version of yourself all the time and in every situation.
It is not about being fake. It is about fear of being judged, fear of being too much, or not enough.
And over time, that fear takes a toll. Symptoms of prolonged survival mode include:
Trouble sleeping or relaxing
Emotional numbness or burnout
Low motivation
High blood pressure
Mood swings or decision fatigue
A personal example: Language and pressure
Even after 14 years in Sweden, I found myself in survival mode during what should have been a simple group conversation. I had an idea to share, and I could have explained it clearly in English, but I did not have the correct nuanced words for the situation. I pressured myself to use Swedish.
Why? Maybe because I felt I should be fluent by now. Perhaps I feared someone would judge me if I used English.
I tried. I failed. The more I spoke, the more I was misunderstood. Eventually, I gave up and went silent, frustrated and invisible. That is what survival mode can do: rob us of our voice even when we have something meaningful to say.
From surviving to belonging
So, how do we make the shift?
True belonging begins when you stop trying to make yourself acceptable and start bringing your whole self to the space.
Sometimes belonging starts externally, for example, when someone else welcomes you. It often must begin within. We sometimes convince ourselves we don’t belong, even when no one else has said so.
One shift I made was choosing to commit to communities rather than observe from the margins. For example, I joined a local church congregation and a Swedish cultural association, not just as a visitor, but as a participant. I decided to choose these people long before they accepted me.
Those decisions changed everything. Through those communities, I made friends, improved my language skills, and, most importantly, began to feel safe enough to be myself.
A final word
Survival mode might be necessary for a time, but you do not want to live there.
If you feel like a square peg in a round hole, take heart. Belonging isn’t about becoming someone else. It’s about being more fully you, with wisdom, courage, and connection.
You do not have to wait for someone to give you permission to belong in your new context. I realize that even when you choose to belong, some people will still not accept you. Take courage and do not let them steal your joy, peace, and future. Find your people!
Sometimes, the first step is simply deciding: I’m staying. I’m showing up. I belong here, too.
Read more from Jacqueline Rulander
Jacqueline Rulander, Personal Development & Cultural Awareness Coach
Jacqueline Rulander is a personal development & cultural awareness coach & trainer. She has lived outside of her Caribbean home for 20+ years and is dedicated to seeing people, especially those living cross-culturally, live out their potential by inspiring, coaching, and training them, leading to significant, healthy growth. She is the founder of The Culture Bridge Association and Vetcraft Creative Studios - a personal development company.
