Interview With Imago Couples Therapist Shan Merchant - How To Avoid Divorce & Become A Power Couple
Updated: Mar 2, 2023
Brainz Magazine Exclusive Interview
Shan is a couples therapist who works worldwide on her mission to not only lower divorce rates but help clients profoundly elevate their relationships through the powerful Imago method. Shan helps couples and singles become true ‘Power Couples’ by teaching them the skills and self-awareness they need to get the love they’ve always wanted.
As a couples therapist and dating coach, you must have seen it all. In your experience, what would you say is the biggest problem people face in their relationships?
Our most powerful unconscious need is to be loved, accepted, prioritised, or celebrated in a way we longed to be as children but weren’t. So, when it comes to dating, we think ‘I want to meet The One’ but our unconscious mind’s secret agenda is to hunt for someone who carries the potential to hurt us in the exact same way we were hurt as children. We do this in the hope that this time we’ll be loved. In Imago philosophy we call this an ‘Imago Match’. And because we have no awareness of this pattern – and neither does our partner – relationships end abruptly or we sabotage them. In couples who stay together, we see conflict and endless criticism creep in or painful dynamics like fighting, fleeing or withdrawing. The degree to which this plays out for us is directly related to the childhood hurts we carry unhealed within us into adulthood.
What’s the most common struggle for single women who want a relationship?
The pattern of dating ‘Bad Boys’ or emotionally unavailable men, after growing up with an absent father – whether that father left the family, worked a lot, or just wasn’t emotionally available to her. Women can misinterpret attachment anxiety as strong ‘chemistry’ or ‘soulmate love’ because that longing for love that was hardwired in childhood is so strong. It’s only through changing the quality of your own inner relationship with yourself (by becoming more self-loving) that you begin to break the intensity of your unconscious attractions. This is when you really start to show up as an energetic match for a high-value, emotionally available man or woman.
How do these unconscious patterns affect the couples you work with?
That’s when these old patterns and dynamics really come out to play. Couples come to me either after an affair, or when the relationship feels toxic – they’re constantly fighting, bickering, nagging or treating each other as the enemy. One partner might be distant, withdrawing into work, parenting, sports, or drinking. In Imago we call this the Power Struggle stage of a relationship, and what you’re both really fighting for is your childhood needs to be met – ultimately to get the type of love you didn’t get as a child. We transfer all these needs, desires, and expectations onto our partner, and we will fight tooth and nail to get the love and validation we want.
So how do you help these couples get out of the Power Struggle?
As an Imago Couples Therapist, I help couples see that the Power Struggle is not the end, it’s just the unconscious phase of their relationship. Many couples think because this stage feels so painful that they aren’t meant to be together, and so many divorces are caused unnecessarily by this. But it’s the opposite; conflict is growth trying to happen, and you’ve chosen your partner to help you grow and heal. In a conscious partnership, there’s no one better qualified than your partner to help you heal and integrate all the lost parts of yourself. Instead of divorcing and repeating this pattern again with a new partner (which you will), couples who recommit can learn the skills to cultivate a beautiful, conscious relationship. This is what I call a ‘Power Couple’, born out of the Power Struggle.
But when most people think of a Power Couple, they think about wealth, fame, and success. What do you mean when you say Power Couple?
In my eyes, a true Power Couple is defined not by wealth, success, or fame, but by the quality of their relationship behind closed doors. There’s respect, affection, kindness, and empathy. A true Power Couple is actually forged in the fire of the Power Struggle. You are each other’s rock. You become a couple with an unshakeable bond that lights up your lives, your families, and careers. It becomes a love that powers your whole life.
I’m curious to know your story – what made you want to be a relationship expert?
As a teenager, I was obsessed with Mills and Boon romance novels! I had an unconscious fantasy that a ‘white knight’ would come and rescue me. I was a Princess, and real men would disappoint me. I also chose the wrong relationships for security. So I did a lot of inner work to break these patterns, which led me to study psychotherapy and eventually specialise in love. I was inspired to qualify as a couples therapist by healing my own Power Struggle with my partner Jo. After our Honeymoon Phase, we had two children in quick succession, renovated two flats, started two businesses, and relocated to Ibiza. The stress broke our relationship and, thankfully, we found Imago Couples Therapy, which transformed our relationship. I’m so passionate about this method for couples because I know first-hand that it works.
The world today is also very centered around relationships and many singles live with the anxiety of never meeting someone. Do you have to meet someone?
Being single can be very fulfilling. I personally love being in a relationship, and believe that you can go much further and faster together with a partner who is also conscious. But I also believe the second best thing you can be, if you’re not in a conscious relationship, is single. The absolute last thing you want is to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t want to learn, grow and evolve, and doesn’t appreciate and support you – particularly if you’re an entrepreneur. It drains huge amounts of your energy if your relationship is unhealthy, and it blocks your success.
Tell us about your Power Struggle to Power Couple program, which is launching this month.
I don't work the way most couples therapists do. I work in a very precise and concise way towards a clear outcome, which is you moving out of the Power Struggle into starting to become a Power Couple. In conventional couples therapy, you can find yourself going to sessions aimlessly week after week, with no one really knowing what they’re working on, how long it's going to take, and how much money it's going to cost. I don't work like this. When you sign up for a program with me, there's a clear goal, path, time, and financial commitment. We track your progress at specific review points and I keep you accountable to becoming the best version of yourselves.
Who should contact you for your services and what is the best way to do so?
I only work with couples who are 100% committed to doing the work to come back together, and single, successful women in their 40s who want to meet their life partner.
The best way to learn more about me, and/or to schedule a free 15-minute clarity call is to visit my website at shanmerchant.com
If you want to know if you’re in the Power Struggle or Real Love, take the 3 Stages of Relationships scorecard.
