Linda Fraim on Shaping Romantic Relationships, Communication, Emotional Well-being, and Self-Awareness
- 14 hours ago
- 20 min read
Brainz Magazine Exclusive Interview
Born in Istanbul, Turkey, in 1973 to an American father and a Turkish mother, Linda Fraim spent her childhood between Turkey and the United States. She is fluent in both English and Turkish. She initially pursued chemical engineering as a pre-med student before changing direction to psychology. After several years working as an international tour guide, her life changed dramatically following the 1999 Izmit earthquake, when she joined an Israeli search and rescue team as a translator and spent nearly a year working at the disaster site. The experience inspired her to return to academia.
Linda went on to earn a Master's degree in Counseling Psychology with an emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy, followed by a PhD in Clinical Health Psychology. During her training, she worked as an on-call sexual assault counselor while conducting pioneering research on breast cancer awareness among young adults in North Cyprus.
Since 2013, she has lived in the Turkish Republic of Northern Cyprus, where she runs a private practice, teaches psychology at university level, and hosts The Psychologist's Diary, a live television program dedicated to making psychology and science more accessible to the public. She also delivers public talks, provides professional training, and supports various charitable initiatives.
Recently, Linda completed Level 2 EMDR training and became accredited by the American Board of Sexology as a Sexologist/Educator and by the European Society for Sexual Medicine as a Psycho-Sexologist. She has received several professional awards, including the 2026 Clinical Health Psychologist and Marriage and Family Therapist Achievement Award, and is currently completing her book, The Unspoken Sexualities, scheduled for publication in early 2027.
We live in a time where people are more connected digitally than ever before, yet many relationships feel emotionally disconnected. What do you think is quietly happening beneath the surface of modern relationships today?
All our relationships are based on a reciprocal balance of give and take. Of course, our underlying intentions and expectations make a huge difference in how we shape and manage this balance. As a part of this balance, we have our secondary needs of wanting to love and wanting to be loved, as our primary needs are purely biological, like eating, drinking, sleeping, and sex. Now, at the beginning of any romantic relationship, especially during the flirting stage, we do a variety of weird, goofy and cute things to get our partner's attention, and most of the time, we are quite successful because we ultimately find ourselves in a romantic relationship with that person. For a while, things between us are unbelievable. The time spent together is exceptional, the sex is amazing, the surprises and spontaneous gestures are overly exciting and wonderful, the romantic moments spent are deeply moving, etc.
Before we realize it, we place our partner at the center of our world and 'temporarily' prioritize them over everything else in our lives. At this point, each of our needs are met exponentially. However, after some time has passed and we get used to being a 'couple' and the honeymoon phase of the relationship slowly wears off, our priorities begin to return to what they were, as life continues to flow. This is why I used the term temporarily.
Now, when disagreements and arguments begin and our needs and expectations are no longer being met, the most affected partner from this transition begins to realize that the dynamics of the relationship have changed and things are just different. Despite this shift in dynamics, on the surface, both partners tend to continue to play 'the happy couple' around mutual friends and family; however, deep down, the bond and the relationship begin to weaken. When our relationship priorities shift and our partner is replaced with other priorities like work, friends, personal goals, etc., we tend to focus our energy on the items at the top of our list and divert less energy, time, and effort to our partner, who is no longer at the top of the list.
Although we may think we are giving the same amount of love and affection to our partner, technically, we are not. We stop doing the things we used to do, we stop making time for our partner, we start making excuses for the promises we break, we start ignoring simple requests for attention, etc. During this time, arguments tend to increase in both frequency and magnitude, misunderstandings continue, our tolerance levels start to decline, accusations are made, and the inevitable takes place: the relationship begins to shatter and possibly even end.
The once-upon-a-time strong, emotionally connected relationship has slowly and covertly turned into an emotionally distant relationship that may be living its last moments. Why? Because one partner had a change of heart, wanted more out of their own life, realized they didn't want an emotionally co-dependent partner, wasn't ready for the commitment, and just had other priorities that were more important than meeting their partner's needs and expectations, etc. So, solace for the neglected partner becomes digital. The search in this digital solace doesn't really have to be romantic. This could be a late-night conversation with an old friend, an AI chatbot, an online game, or even a support group. And yes, it could also be romantic. But the overall goal is to be chosen and wanted.
Technically, the digital does not necessarily need to spill over into the real world. Just to clarify a point, it's not that our smartphones have created an emotional gap between couples; that distance was already there! Our smartphones have only created an outlet for us to fulfill our neglected needs. As a result, we become even more emotionally detached the more we turn to the digital realm for comfort, and the more we strengthen the emotional distance between our partner that was already lurking in the dark.
On the surface, for everyone, we are still a couple who is going through a 'rough patch,' but deep down and under all of the layers, we are actually an emotionally detached couple that either needs to seek out therapy, if we want to save the relationship, or we are a couple on the verge of ending something that shouldn't have started in the first place just because we were mesmerized by the magic and excitement of a 'new' romantic connection.
"The overall goal is to be chosen and wanted."
In your work across marriage and family therapy, relationships, communication, and health psychology, what have you discovered about the connection between emotional well-being and physical health?
Now, as a clinical health psychologist, I strongly believe that the mind is more powerful than the body. I always say, preach and defend the notion of 'mind over body'. The body represents a behavioral manifestation of how our minds work. What do I mean by this? As we have the power to make ourselves ill, we also have the power to heal ourselves to a certain degree as well, if the damage is not irreversible. Now, I don't say this in terms of hocus pocus magical connections. I work from a cognitive behavioral therapy standpoint. Our thought processes and how we process incoming information via our senses play an extremely important role in how our emotions and our behaviors are manifested.
Incoming information from the environment is registered through our senses and processed accordingly. So, if we process incoming information as positive/pleasant, then we feel positive emotions and act positively. For example, when we smell (olfactory sense) something that we like, we think positively about it as we like the smell, we get a grin of being content on our face, and we feel good inside because of smelling that scent. However, if we process negative/unpleasant information, then we feel negative emotions and act negatively.
For example, when we see (visual sense) a negative event, we think 'oh my god, what do I do', we become anxious or panic, and we may feel fear or stress as a result. The incoming information is processed within milliseconds and the outcome is our thought, emotional state, and behavioral manifestation, which are parallel to how we process this information. Basically, we have the capacity to shape and transform our behaviors and emotions by being aware of how we process incoming information.
How we think also influences how our body reacts in terms of physiology and our immune system. When we are under a major amount of stress, our bodies secrete cortisol, the stress hormone, along with other hormones. High levels of cortisol have been directly linked to the development of chronic diseases like coronary heart disease in later years of life. The amount of stress we endure obviously changes on an everyday basis, but how we manage this stress makes a huge difference. When we can manage stress and stress-related issues, our bodies don't go into overdrive mode, where excessive amounts of cortisol are secreted. We keep our bodies stable. While our bodies are stable, so are our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors.
However, when we are unable to manage this stress, our thoughts become rapid and we ruminate, meaning we think the same things repeatedly without stopping, our heart rates increase and we begin to feel intense bodily reactions from nausea, insomnia, gastrointestinal reactions, etc., and we panic, act frantically or illogically and put ourselves into an unwanted predicament. If we are unable to control this, it eventually turns into a cycle that has detrimental effects both physically and mentally.
I am trying to keep it simple, but unfortunately, it is not this simple and there are many factors that are involved in this process. But to sum this cycle up, when our physical health is in pristine shape, so is our emotional well-being. When our physical health is not where we want it to be, unfortunately, our emotional well-being also declines. In some cases, there are people who have declining physical health but have high levels of emotional well-being, and this has to do with their mindset, their resilience levels and the quality of the social support they have during this time. I like to see this group of people as an exception to the rule in a good way, as they can show that just because our physical health is declining, our emotional well-being doesn't have to go down the same route.
Research shows us that people with high levels of positive emotional well-being are more likely to have better physical health and faster recovery times.
Some of the most damaging relationship patterns are often the ones people barely notice until years later. What are the subtle communication habits that slowly erode intimacy, trust, and emotional safety over time?
We all believe that we are good communicators, where we state our points, voice our opinions, defend ourselves, and critique what others do to us. As I said, this is one of our core beliefs. But this is rarely the case. Not everyone is a good communicator where they have healthy communication habits. A good majority of relationships are subjected to unhealthy communication patterns that lead to the gradual erosion of intimacy, trust, and emotional safety between people. John Gottman used the metaphor of 'The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse' in 1993 to illustrate the negative communication patterns that are highly predictive of relationship dissolution. The Four Horsemen are as follows: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
Criticism can be both constructive, which is aimed at improving us or the situation, and destructive, which is what Gottman was talking about. Criticism goes beyond a specific complaint about a specific action. It is an attack on the person's character or personality. For example, 'I'm upset you didn't take the trash out' is a complaint that focuses on a specific behavior, whereas 'You always forget to take the trash out, you are so lazy and inconsiderate!' is more of a global attack.
Contempt is the most destructive of the four horsemen. It involves treating others with disrespect, mockery, sarcasm, eyerolling, scoffing, or hostile humor. This communicates disgust and superiority, eroding admiration and respect, and has been shown to be a strong predictor of divorce.
Defensiveness is a self-protective mechanism that surfaces when faced with criticism and often involves making excuses, denying responsibility, or counterattacking to shift the blame. This prevents genuine communication and problem-solving from taking place.
Stonewalling occurs when one partner withdraws from the interaction, physically or emotionally, often in response to feeling overwhelmed or flooded by negative emotions. It can involve the silent treatment, changing the subject, or leaving the room. This effectively shuts down communication.
In addition to the Four Horsemen, manipulation, gaslighting, constant conflict, judgment, and self-centered communication are also factors that aid in the erosion of intimacy, trust, and emotional safety over time. I usually call manipulation emotional blackmail because it involves the use of indirect, dishonest, and exploitative tactics to control another person's behavior. Gaslighting is a type of psychological manipulation where the other person doubts their own memory, perception, or sanity.
Usually, the person using gaslighting techniques will deny events that clearly happened or twist the facts about the event. Relationships accompanied by frequent arguments that never lead to solutions often leave both parties feeling exhausted or unheard. Also, constantly evaluating and condemning a partner's thoughts, feelings, or actions is judgment, which blocks the route to understanding the partner. Finally, self-centered communication is making conversation around oneself, frequently interrupting or rambling without allowing the other person to contribute meaningfully.
All these combined can lead to deep-seated resentment, emotional burnout, and a significant loss of intimacy, trust, and emotional safety in the relationship. If they are left unaddressed, they will eventually lead to the breakdown of the relationship.
Family dynamics often shape the way we love and communicate. How much of our relationship behavior is rooted in the environments we grew up in?
The environment we grow up in is where the foundation of our behaviors is set. The behavioral and communication styles, patterns, and interactions between the people around us influence how we behave and communicate in our later adolescent and adult years. For example, children raised in an environment where parenting is democratic, relationships are respectful, boundaries and roles are clear, and communication is healthy, are more likely to develop relationships that reflect these dynamics and maintain healthy communication patterns.
However, children raised in an environment where parenting is strict, relationships are based on a hierarchy, boundaries and roles are clear-cut but also rigid, meaning there is no room for flexibility, and communication is unhealthy, there is also a high chance that these children will develop similar relationship and communication patterns in their adolescent and adult relationships.
We also learn behavioral and communication patterns through observation. As children, if we see and watch our parents interact in a loving, respectful manner towards each other, we learn the relationship model and carry it into our relationships as well. Also, if these behaviors and patterns are reinforced or strengthened, then the likelihood of us displaying similar behaviors with our significant other is quite high. Obviously, just by watching and observing positive and negative relationship patterns and behaviors alone will not dictate how we behave in later adulthood. They need to be reinforced. Those behaviors that are reinforced or supported are more likely to appear in adult relationships.
For example, think of your role model in the home as a child. Let's assume that mom or dad are the role model, but in general, they are bad and neglectful parents who don't meet your needs and you grow up with an insecure attachment bond. Your childhood and adolescent years are very likely to be quite chaotic; however, in adulthood, this can result in two different ways. The first way is that you behave exactly like mom and dad did as you were growing up, OR you decide that you are going to learn different behaviors that are very different from what you were exposed to. Although it is very hard to break these types of behavioral patterns, it is not impossible.
There are many loving and caring relationships where partners had horrible upbringings and there are many mirror relationships where partners act in ways they were exposed to. It's not a one-way reflection. It takes a lot of hard work, effort and support to change our negative behavioral patterns into healthier behaviors and relationships.
Despite living in a culture that constantly talks about sex, many people still struggle to speak honestly about intimacy in their own relationships. Why do you think vulnerability around sex remains so difficult for so many people?
While there appears to be a good percentage of people who tend to enjoy sex, it also appears that this percentage is also quite vulnerable when it comes to talking about intimacy, sexual needs, desires, and fantasies with their partners due to various reasons. As many would agree with me that sex is a natural phenomenon that should be enjoyed, just as many would also disagree. Now, with regards to sex in general, we all have different perceptions as to what sex is, how sex should be, what is and is not acceptable sexual behavior, who should initiate the first move, what to expect and what not to expect from sex, what an orgasm is and is not, etc. The range of different perspectives on sex is endless.
However, factors like our upbringing, our cultural and religious beliefs, our personal experiences, the knowledge we have about sex, and a wide variety of existing media on sex have shaped and created a cognitive imbalance in how we perceive sex.
Historically, sex has transitioned from being the only means of procreation to a multifaceted pleasurable activity that should be enjoyed between consenting adults, or an activity that is only acceptable within the constraints of marriage. Despite these changes and variations, sex continues to remain a taboo topic in many cultures today. Not everybody likes to talk about it!
Being comfortable talking about sex in general is quite easy for people with high levels of confidence in many aspects. However, for people who have various insecurities regarding themselves, their knowledge, their bodies, and relationships that have developed due to strong messages like talking about sex is shameful, it's sinful, sex is dirty, it's inappropriate, it's unacceptable before marriage, etc., have much more difficulty talking about sex overall, and this makes them much more vulnerable in their relationships when it comes to the sexual aspect of that relationship.
I see consensual sex in two forms: mechanical sex and emotionally charged sex. The mechanical sex is sex with no romantic feelings. The primary goal is satisfaction. No strings attached. In this type of sex, vulnerabilities, if any, exist at the minimal level because each partner has a goal to obtain on the grounds of mutual pleasure. So each partner can relay what they want and set their boundaries of what is and is not acceptable without any hesitation. In emotionally charged sex, the dynamics are a little bit different. The emotional connection between couples sometimes makes it a little bit easier and a little bit more difficult to talk about sex. Easier, because the goal is mutual satisfaction and depending on the level of trust, openness, experience, and communication between the partners, telling a partner to continue what they are doing comes quite naturally.
A little more difficult because one partner is insecure and afraid to be misunderstood or judged by the other partner, despite the level of trust, openness, and communication between them, so it becomes impossible to tell the partner to stop penetrating because of a sharp pain, because they didn't want to make their partner feel rejected, or didn't want to disrupt their partner's pleasure.
I always encourage partners to start with the easiest level of sexual communication that doesn't make them uncomfortable. They need to start here. At the very basic level, what can they say to their partner that doesn't make them feel 'weird', 'strange', or 'shy'? Once this can be determined, then we can focus on the weird, strange, and shy stuff. It takes time for people to overcome their insecurities that have deep roots tied to their upbringing. Couples with these types of issues need to be patient.
Overcoming vulnerabilities associated with sex calls for a lot of work, psychoeducation, exercises, patience, and a willingness to step outside of one's comfort zone. It is a challenging process, but as it takes two to tango, successfully overcoming vulnerabilities regarding sex isn't just one partner's problem; it is a couple's problem that needs to be tackled together in a safe, comfortable, and neutral environment.
Modern dating culture has created endless access to people, advice, and validation. In your opinion, has this made relationships healthier?
I'm not so sure if this has made relationships healthier or worse, to be honest. Reason being is that the dynamics of the dating culture have changed so much within itself. Although the flirting dynamics are still somewhat the same, relationships are becoming relationships for many different reasons. Yes, times change, as do dynamics; however, today there are so many outlets, including AI, that people turn to find the 'right' relationship or to 'change' their current relationship dynamics through playing a variety of games.
Once upon a time, many of you will remember that there were just popular culture magazines that would give the 'how to......' relationship and dating advice. People who bought the magazines or had online subscriptions to these magazines were able to read about the issue, apply the suggestions to their relationship and see how it worked out or how it backfired. I remember doing this as a teenager. When it backfired, I remember saying 'stupid magazine' and continuing to search for miraculous advice that would 'help' me deal with what I was going through in my relationship.
Also, if you remember, there were a bunch of sitcoms, romcoms, and movies that were also made offering relationship advice. I think we all know the character Carrie Bradshaw, played by Sarah Jessica Parker in the popular series 'Sex and the City'. Now, we have moved from being a 'Sex and the City' personal blog consumer culture to an endless number of experts and non-experts posing as relationship coaches offering advice on how to better our relationships.
Recently, the most popular relationship advice outlets are the AI bots... Many people are turning to AI for relationship advice. It's free. It's personal. It offers validation and it gives multiple suggestions as to what to do with the situation. Let me share a personal example with you. Just out of curiosity, I too have tried AI out just to see how it would direct me regarding what I should do after I had a heated argument with my husband. I typed in what happened, who said what, how it made me feel, etc.
After explaining the argument with some details in which I purposefully exaggerated, especially regarding how I felt, the AI bot first analyzed the situation and then started to validate my feelings, told me I was right and he was wrong, offered me various suggestions on how to talk with him, and finally gave me suggestions pointing to a divorce as the better solution and the healthiest way of dealing with this conflict. AI also offered suggestions and possible scenarios of what could possibly happen if we got a divorce. I don't know if you have followed the news lately, but in 2025, AI chatbots have been sued for coaching people to take their lives. See how dangerous this can get?
Imagine me not being who I am and not doing what I do. I may have been very likely to listen to the AI bot and end my marriage. I know it is not that simple; however, the existence of the possibility is very concerning.
Psychologists, marriage and family therapists, and sexologists are trained to NOT give advice on issues; we are trained to help the client 'discover' the possibilities of how to improve the problematic dimensions in their life. One of our main duties is to protect the person. As each person lives a life that is much different than mine, how can I advise them to do something that I would do according to my life's standards? Yes, certain problems do have mutual grounds and mutual solutions, but if I tell my client, 'I think you should do this, that, and this', wouldn't I be responsible for the outcome, regardless of whether this outcome is positive or negative? Especially if my advice has led to an outfall, an outburst, or a negative consequence? I most certainly would be! Especially if my so-called advice places my client in imminent danger.
As a result, causing harm to the client is an ethical violation and grounds for malpractice. This is why we do not and should not give out advice. Yes, we work with the couple together on what they can and cannot do to help make the relationship healthier, but giving advice to somebody who does not have a lifestyle like mine is, and can be, dangerous.
You work closely with people during some of the most emotionally vulnerable moments of their lives. Is there a story, pattern, or realization you've witnessed repeatedly that continues to deeply move or surprise you?
I have been working in the field for about 20 years, and the general pattern that I have come across is the negative impact of a negative upbringing that reflects on people's current relationships with themselves and others. What do I mean by a negative upbringing? Despite the saying 'mom knows best', our parents do the most damage to us, without being aware of it. This is completely unintentional. Of course, I am excluding the intentional damage from abuse and traumatic experiences at this point, where both have detrimental impacts on us that can last a lifetime.
Let me explain this with a very basic example. Let's have a single parent, who is under immense stress due to financial constraints and is trying to teach their child how to tie their shoes, but the child's fine motor skills have yet to develop properly, as it appears that the child isn't yet at the stage where they can tie their shoes as shown. So, when the child is unable to display the mastery needed to make the tie and knot right, the parent gets frustrated and blurts out 'can't you do anything right' in a high tone of voice after instructing their child for the millionth time. The child becomes sad, gets upset, feels inadequate, feels incompetent, feels bad, etc.
Despite seeing the child like this, the parent doesn't go back to apologize for being so rough or doesn't explain why they exploded like this. After this experience, each time the child does something wrong, makes a mistake, or is unable to master what the parent has taught, a similar verbal scenario is experienced.
The child grows up like this and starts experiencing similar situations in school, in college, and in adulthood. Similar verbal expressions are blurted out by others and this person constantly badgers themself by repeatedly saying something like 'you idiot, can't you do anything right?'. These negative feelings tend to spread to every aspect of that person's life. Not only do they mimic the parent's behavior in general, but the person continues to feel inadequate, unworthy, valueless, useless, or never good enough for anything. On the other side of the medallion, deep down, this person resents the parent and carries feelings of anger and hate with them because these issues were never addressed or dealt with, until one day, this behavioral pattern is recognized by someone whom the person cares about and decides to come to therapy or get help.
When they do decide to come to therapy and explain the behavioral pattern that is causing trouble in their life, I always ask who was like this in their family. There is almost always a parent or caregiver connection in these underlying behavioral patterns. When asked on which occasions these patterns were experienced, again, similarities arise. Once the person has that flashbulb moment where they make the connection between past and present, that is when the actual work starts taking place and we start dealing with the underlying issues that are causing a disruption in the person's life.
Unfortunately, our parents, although they mean well, are unaware of the damage they do to our self-esteem and confidence levels when they jump on us, as in the example I gave. Again, this is not intentional. The goal is to teach by strengthening the child; however, parents need to understand that their children are not them. They may have been raised by their parents quite harshly, but each generation is obviously much different. In the process of strengthening the child, the drama and trauma created have detrimental effects that we see in adolescence, early adulthood, and adulthood, especially in romantic relationships. Can this be changed? Absolutely... But the person must be willing to tap into these emotions and behaviors, which can be very difficult and painful.
Dealing with built-up resentment and anger is quite challenging, as it requires that we step out of our comfort zones and explore issues we decided to bury and not face. If the person is willing to tap into these issues, then some things can change. If not, then the behavioral patterns unfortunately spread to other areas as well.
"Our parents do the most damage to us, without being aware of it."
If you could change one thing about the way society approaches relationships, what would it be — and why?
This is a hard question to answer because we live in a world with many different societal schemas and expectations. I don't think that there is one answer to this question. We have collective and individualistic societies that do things very differently from each other. The individualistic group lives on the motto of 'I over we,' and the collective group lives on the motto 'We over I '. However, I do think that there are some things that need to change regardless of the society type. I think that there are a couple of things that I would change...
The first is learning how to establish healthy communication. When we communicate, we do so based on the patterns that we were brought up with. Healthy communication patterns are associated with emotional well-being. When we express our needs and feelings in a way that we believe we are heard and understood, then we experience less stress and less anxiety, and this, in the long run, can lead to healthier relationships.
The second thing we need to learn is how to NOT place relationships into one fixed standard model. There is no 'one size fits all' relationship model. It doesn't exist! Everyone's needs are different. Their expectations from relationships are different. Not every relationship needs to end with marriage. Not every married couple needs to have a child or multiple children. I think that these societal expectations shouldn't be imposed on everyone because we have so many relationships and marriages that are ending in breakups and divorces because of these imposed expectations.
I can understand cultural and familial expectations to a degree and I am not trying to be disrespectful, but as times have changed, life has gotten even more difficult than it was, and it's not going to get easier. As a result, everybody's life is exceptionally different, as are their needs. We cannot impose our own expectations on people and expect them to live their lives by our standards. You cannot stick a triangle into a circle. You can't make anybody do what you want just because you want it...
Therefore, to stop imposing things on relationships, we need to learn how to respect boundaries and choices.
I think that if we can change the way we communicate, not interfere or impose our beliefs and practices onto others, and respect personal boundaries and choices, then relationships might be much different from the way they are today. Yes, I know this sounds quite dystopic, but still, this is what I think needs to change in many societies.
Drawing on her years of clinical experience, Linda moves fluidly between digital distraction, communication habits passed down through generations, the mind-body connection, and the growing pull of AI-driven advice—yet her message stays consistent throughout: awareness, honest communication, and respect for one another's individuality are what protect intimacy over the long run. It is a timely reminder, delivered with the candor that defines this conversation, that in a world offering endless shortcuts to connection, the real work of love still happens the old-fashioned way: one honest conversation at a time.
