Written by: Anthony Leake, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
I was asked to talk recently about self-management and in particular about people who might be prone to emotional outbursts.
I think it’s true that we probably all overreact, to some extent, from time to time. We try not to of course, but perhaps it's just part of being human.
If it's something that happens more than very occasionally though, there is a good chance that it's getting in the way.
In this blog, I’m not going to give solutions. This is more about raising awareness because if you are someone who overreacts sometimes then increased self-awareness is usually the first step.
The only thing that we can manage
When I say self-management, the reality is that the only thing that we can manage is ourselves. Sure, it would be good to be able to manage the traffic. It'd be great if we could manage the weather, and wouldn't life be so much easier if we could manage other people's behavior? You probably already know that’s not realistic, and that trying to control the uncontrollable is one of the biggest root causes of stress and anxiety that there is.
I can't remember who it was that said that “learning to manage yourself is one of the greatest skills you will ever learn in life and in business.” It's not important who said it, what is important is how true it is.
Different ways to respond
Think of somebody you know, either personally or from afar, who you consider to be successful in life, yet doesn't seem to get stressed. Nothing seems to faze them, yet they're not a pushover. They're not weak, they’re just good at staying calm under pressure.
Now think of somebody you know who's the opposite of that. Someone who still gets things done but is constantly stressed or prone to emotional flare-ups. Given a choice, which of those kinds of people would you like to be, the calm person or the person who constantly seems to be butting heads with life?
I talked a moment ago, about a person who's a little always a little bit stressed, and another who might be calm one minute and then explodes the next. Neither of these is great, but for very different reasons.
Low-level stress
Low-level stress is bad for your health period. Human beings are amazing, we’re able to cope with very high levels of stress for a short period of time. It's all part of our survival mechanism. But it's low-level stress, or chronic stress, that is really bad for you.
The British Heart Foundation stops short of saying that stress causes heart attacks. but they do say that it's often a contributing factor. The fact is, chronic stress can make people physically ill.
In a work situation, there is another downside. That is that people don't make good decisions when they’re stressed. So, if you run a business, or if you work for a company, being in a constant stress state can be disastrous, because you'll be prone to making bad decisions.
Also, think about people you know who are constantly stressed. What's it like to be around them? Is it pleasant or hard work? As you know, any kind of business relies on good relationships with colleagues and customers? So ask yourself the question: who do I want to show up as, that person who is often stressed or the person who stays calm under pressure?
From calm to overreacting in 5 seconds
Then there's the person who's prone to emotional outbursts. Firstly, that can’t be good for their blood pressure. But once again, what is it like to be around somebody who's like that? Constantly treading on eggshells, because you don't know how they're going to react to anything that you say or do.
None of this makes for a creative or successful environment.
For a moment let’s focus on the second scenario. The person who has the big reactions.
When talking with people who do ‘blow up’ from time to time I've heard some describe it as like having a red mist descending on them. Others have said it’s like a feeling welling up inside them, and then temporarily losing control and just reacting. That always reminds me of The Incredible Hulk. If you’ve seen the film then you know that the Incredible Hulk is a great guy to have around, but as they say in the film, you wouldn’t like him when he's angry.
The long-term
So, what can you do about this? The long-term answer is learning about yourself.
Why is it that you get so upset about things that don't seem to bother other people?
What is it about a particular thing that grinds your gears?
Often the real reason is buried below the surface, but it's always well worth going mining for these things. Because learning about yourself, learning about your conscious and your subconscious drivers is always a good thing.
The long-term solution is also about learning new behaviors. People who do react in this way often don’t like this aspect of themselves. They don't choose to react like that. Often, they're a little bit embarrassed about it, and sometimes they even feel they're flawed in some way. But the good news is that that's not true. If you've learned one behavior, you can learn something else instead. You can always learn to respond differently.
What if you could choose your response under different conditions? How useful would that be?
The truth is there are always going to be traffic jams, there are always going to be things that break at the most inconvenient time, and there will always be people who lie to you. These are facts of life and you can’t change them. What you can change is the way that you respond to them. So that's the long-term goal, but what about the short-term?
Focusing on the present
The short-term approach is learning to take control of your stress levels. Most people, if not all, who are prone to emotional outbursts have stress levels that are way too high.
Think of it like this. Imagine a bucket with a hose pipe that's constantly dripping water in at the top.
Now imagine somebody cuts you off in traffic, drip. Another drop of water in your bucket.
The supermarket queue is too long and you're running late for an important meeting, drip, drip.
Your computer crashes 30 seconds before a video call, drip, drip.
A colleague makes an error, and they try to cover it up or even try to blame you, drip, drip, drip.
This is called life. You can't change any of these things.
None of these things are problems, because your bucket has a hole in the bottom as well and water is constantly leaking. As long as the water is draining out faster than the drip, drip, drip of life is filling it back up, then everything's okay.
But what if you don't have a hole in your bucket? Or what if it’s filling up faster than it's draining?
This is where there is a problem because at some point the bucket will overflow.
The reason that people can be calm one minute and then ‘explode’ the next is because their emotional bucket is too full. Just one little thing, that might seem insignificant to others, causes it to overflow.
The reason it gets that full in the first place is that you don't even notice it's happening.
One drip at a time. Life is busy. You stopped paying attention for a short while. The bucket gets full, and you never noticed it was happening.
This isn't complicated. This is cause and effect. If a bucket is already full of water and you add one single drop to it, it will overflow. This will happen every time and there are no exceptions.
The solution is greater awareness
Notice that I'm not giving you any solution here.
What I want to do is draw your attention to the problem. I can't give you the solution anyway. How can I? I don't even know you.
No two people’s stress is created in the same way, and no two people's stress solution is the same.
All that I, or anybody else, can do in a blog is to give you some generalities that you can find anywhere on the internet. The best that will ever do is to give you a short-term fix or temporary relief.
The good news is that now you're more aware that your bucket is getting full, you can start to ask yourself some intelligent questions. Maybe questions like:
What do I already know how to do that's going to reduce my stress levels?
What are the things that cause me stress, and how can I deal with them differently?
How can I start to notice that things are building up sooner, so that I can deal with them more effectively?
I'm sure that you can come up with many other good questions. but if you're struggling to find these for yourself, then find yourself a good stress coach who will be able to help.
Remember that while you're stressed, you're not being effective in your business or your work life.
There is one other thing that's vitally important to remember if you do explode sometimes. Remember that you are not a bad person and that you are not flawed or broken in any way. All it means is that your bucket is too full, and it's time to let some of that water out.
Measuring for success
If you'd like to find out how full your bucket is right now, give me a call or send me an email and let's get together for 10 minutes.
I'll help you to measure exactly what your stress levels are. I can also help you to understand what level you should be aiming for.
The more awareness you have of the problem, the easier it's going to be for you to find the solution. There is always a solution.
Anthony Leake, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Tony Leake became an expert in overcoming anxiety after he had to give up a successful career due to severe anxiety and debilitating panic attacks. He has since spent the last decade helping others to overcome anxiety. While he is very well qualified (certified as a Clinical Hypnotherapist and a Master Practitioner of NLP amongst others) he doesn't believe that tools and techniques are the answer. He often says that "overcoming anxiety is as much of a mindset as a skillset," and that to overcome anxiety we need to change the way that we think about it. Working with individuals from every walk of life, teachers, doctors, and multi-millionaires has taught him that anxiety doesn't discriminate and everybody is just as likely to be affected. He currently consults for some of the largest companies in the UK. His message: anxiety robs people of their quality of life and it's not necessary to live like that.
