Discouraged by ED? The Nervous System Holds the Key for Men
- 3 days ago
- 6 min read
Written by Angela Dawn, Sex, Love & Relationship Coach
Angela Dawn is a Certified Sex, Love & Relationship Coach and a Certified Tantric Sex Coach whose mission is to empower you to find fulfillment in love & life, enrich your intimate relationships. and help couples "Get Closer."
In my practice as a Sex, Love and Relationship Coach, men often reach out to me with their sexual struggles. Whether the nature of their issue is ED, premature ejaculation, low desire, a loss of confidence, or something else, I have found a few things to be true. First, the struggles they face are rarely about testosterone or effort. Second, very few of them engage in any sexual training, which is very helpful in most cases. Third, they all need to work on their psychological blocks and conditioning before engaging in training practices.
Most men who come to me wanting to improve their intimate lives are dealing with nervous system responses to stress, societal conditioning, shame, or relational dynamics. This piece needs to be addressed somatically. Alongside working on their internal blocks of an unconscious or subconscious nature, several practices can support the improvement of their sexual function. Then, when the blocks are removed, sexual training can begin. I have found this arc to be both true and effective.
Myth 1: Male bodies are meant to perform
If you look up the definition of the word perform, you will see something along the lines of “carry out, accomplish, fulfil,” or to “present to an audience.” The societal use of the word performance to define a man’s role in sex is setting men up for failure. Performance, control, and pushing through work in some areas of life. Yet, in sex, this outlook leads to failure.
Intimacy is not a show for your partner, nor is it an obligation that requires a heavy lift. Intimacy is a way to establish and re establish closeness and connection with your partner. If one is wearing the mask of a performer, then they are not showing up authentically. Without showing up authentically, we cannot be truly seen and met by our partners. It is this meeting of each other that establishes the very connection that sex is designed to cultivate.
Whenever a man comes to my practice claiming to need to “improve performance,” we have a lot to unpack. I ask questions about whether their sex life is co created with their partner. Do they spend quality time together? How often? What does that quality time look like? How does time together differ now compared to when they first met? For tips on this, see my Brainz article on cultivating intimacy.
There is a flurry of resources available that point toward what women need to have a good sex life. If you are looking for some solid resources, I recommend Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski or my own Pussy Whispering course. But few talk about what men really need. Men need to feel appreciated. They need to have open conversations with their partners. They need to receive verbal and physical affection. And they need a partner who is present and engaged.
Unfortunately, these needs are rarely addressed. Instead, men are presented with pills to improve their performance, rather than looking at underlying relational or emotional causes.
What sexual shutdown really is
When men do not have confidence in their sexual function and a supportive relationship, their bodies will shut down sexually. This can be due to experiencing stress, pressure, emotional load, or relational disconnection. We all know that stress is a problem in our society, and we all feel it in a variety of areas, at work, at home, and in our relationships. Men often feel pressure not only to perform in the bedroom but also to fulfil financial obligations to their family or excel in their careers. When stress and pressure mount, the result is biological dysfunction.
Stress and pressure trigger the fight or flight response, leading to the release of cortisol and adrenaline. These hormones constrict blood vessels, lower testosterone, reduce penile blood flow, and lead to performance anxiety. Trying harder to perform ultimately backfires, as more of these unsexy hormones flood the body. This shutdown of reproduction is an evolutionary protection mechanism. Who would want to bring a child into the world when the parents are in a stressful situation, such as being without food or shelter?
Relaxation needs to be present to have enjoyable sex, whether you are a man or a woman. Arousal is actually a safety dependent response, which means that if your body feels unsafe, like when you are stressed about your erection, your arousal is likely to disappear. Here, effort needs to be replaced with relaxed responsiveness. Forcing your stamina or desire merely adds to the pressure.
Getting out from under stress can happen with lifestyle changes, but often that is not enough. What really matters is rewriting the internal story that causes one’s ego to create a stressful environment in the first place. Looking at early childhood experiences, past relationships, and struggles within one’s current relationship becomes key. If we can rewire the brain, and change biologically damaging or stressful habits, the new story it writes can be more relaxed.
Training vs. Fixing
Your brain has a remarkable capacity to shift and change its very makeup, forming new neurological connections throughout your life. This is called neural plasticity. We are not stuck with the way our brains work, they will continue to change. However, if we want this neuroplasticity to help us build new habits, or improve our sexual function, we must train our brains. That training needs to take place over time, and in a way that our body and mind find safe.
Our brains are adaptable, but this is a continuous process that happens whether we work with it or not. The question is what do you want to train your brain to do?
I am imagining that if you have read this far, you are interested in sexual training. You have already learned that our nervous system is pliable. But to take advantage of that flexibility, one needs to train consistently. This means doing small, repeatable practices over time.
What changes when men work with their bodies
What I have seen time and time again with my male clients who are having issues with erections is an erosion of confidence and a disconnection from their sex organs. In fact, they often develop a negative relationship with their penis. After all, they cannot rely on him, so why would they like him? But the negative reinforcement of this attitude becomes obvious when you step back.
Instead, if men learn to work with their penis, they begin to feel confident, and their stamina improves. Working with your penis means that you are invested in his pleasure, and that you relate to him as a friend, rather than someone who has let you down. This work is ultimately about shifting your internal mindset around performance, understanding what is really happening with you, befriending your body, and training in a pleasurable way.
The gateway to sexual mastery for men
My clients have been benefiting from my sexual training guidance for years. In fact, because I have developed such an effective strategy, I wrote a book that covers each component.
If you found this article helpful, I would encourage you to check out my new book, now available on Amazon. In The Gateway to Sexual Mastery for Men, I walk you through the same arc I guide my clients through, addressing the nervous system, psychological blocks, and the practical, trainable skills that transform men’s sexual lives from the inside out.
If you would like more personalised support, you can also fill out my client interest form to explore working with me directly.
You do not have to “perform” your way through this. There is a better way, and it starts with understanding your body instead of fighting it.
Angela Dawn, Sex, Love & Relationship Coach
Angela (she/her) is a Certified Sex, Love & Relationship Coach and a Certified Tantric Sex Coach, dedicated to helping couples Get Closer. With a wealth of experience in yoga and Tibetan Buddhism, she brings a holistic approach to her coaching. Angela's mission is to empower clients to find fulfillment in love and life, free from societal taboos. Based in Annapolis, Maryland, her unique perspective and extensive training in tantric practices make her the ideal guide for enriching your intimate relationships. Don't wait, the time for the best version of yourself in love and intimacy is now!
